Connecting With Other People Is Difficult....

[J_trustno1]

I believe I have issues when it comes to connecting with other human beings.

It's been nearly 6 weeks of starting work but I have not managed to find a single person I can connect with 100%. Some people are just not my type because of the trash /dirty /unfriendly jokes they throw. Not mature enough. Others either complain and yes, I admit that I complain too and I don't have to be ashamed to admit it. Then this other group who are just hello /hi type of formal people.

People have their own groups and I'm not part of any. I'm back to being the same person who never had friends from primary /secondary and even university. It's not that I am vulgar or mean but I have never had friends beyond acquaintances. I try my best to help others whenever anyone is in need but I have not found a single person in real life that I can connect with. Yes, at forum I have a few good friends all because we probably have been abused and hurt but in real life it's not as easy to connect with people.

I don't know if I am just the odd one out here....

 

[Sandstone]

I don't think I've connected 100% with anyone at work, nor even 70%. They are just people doing the same job as me. I'm content if we can get along on a superficial level, share the odd joke and eat each others birthday cakes.

 

[J_trustno1]

Seriously, I don't have any close friends. The friends I considered real, ditched me 2 years ago when I was jobless and was diagnosed with PTSD. That's how great my friendships have been till now.

I don't know if relationships share the same baseline as friendships. I now feel if I haven't managed to make one best/close friend then what is the guarantee that I can have a lasting relationship?

 

[RussH]

I too have trouble connecting with people other than a surface level. I think part of my problem is not being able to trust people, so it is hard to let them in, then of course there is the feeling that they don't really want to be my friend anyway which is the result of my trauma.

 

[Sandstone]

Well, I'm not in a position to advise, because I haven't voluntarily made contact with a friend for over 3 years. Before that I did have good, close friends, and I think part of it is being willing to expose yourself a little, but far more is about being interested in them. If you want to know how someone is doing in their day to day life, and want to support them in their struggles and enjoy the good bits with them, then that is friendship. I suppose I'm saying it's more about them than me.

I find that really hard - no impossible - now because I am so self absorbed. It's one of the things I hope to get back, one day

 

[barefoot]

I find having 100% connection with someone is very rare for me. But I'm also not sure how many people - PTSD or not - manage to find that with many people. 100% connection suggests to me deep understanding, acceptance, interest etc on all levels and I think that's a pretty special thing to find, so I don't think struggling to find 100% connection with people generally is uncommon. I can count on one hand the number of people I feel that really full on, deep connection with. But I also have other friends, colleagues and acquaintances who I get on with and the relationship I have with them is still enjoyable/interesting/important in some way.

I'd say 6 weeks into a new job is still pretty early days. You've already made some early 'judgements' about your colleagues (I don't mean that word negatively here - I just mean, you've decided certain things about people based on early impressions) - some aren't your kind of people, some tell rude jokes, some are immature, some complain too much... While you have obviously reached those conclusions for a reason, they are just one side to those people. What might their perception of you be at the moment (not really asking you to say here - just something to think about).

Making friendships as adults can feel like a really difficult thing to do, but I think some of that difficulty comes from assumptions we make about others and fear of what others will think of us. We are all complex, multi-faceted creatures! As the newbie at work, you would hope that others would be friendly to help you settle in. But you do always have to put yourself out there a bit in a bid to try to form a bit of a connection.

Perhaps some of the people who just say hi would be very happy to have more of a conversation with you? Perhaps they just need a bit of encouragement too? Perhaps they have created an early impression of you that you don't really want to chat?! Who knows! But I think it sounds like you're going to have to give a bit more if you want to get something back. Is there anyone at all who you feel would maybe be up for a bit more chat to get to know each other a bit better?

As @stenni says, I think if you can reach that point of surface level chat - learning a bit about each other, talking about what was on tv last night, finding some common ground with interests etc - I think that would be a good result and is pretty normal for a workplace. I don't reckon many people find really deep and meaningful connections and life-long close friends at work. But that doesn't mean you can't enjoy some level of connection.
Start small :-)

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

Friendships are hard for me too. I have a few friends, mostly from AA. I have one friend in particular who gets frustrated with me because she says I am "too secretive" and don't open up much. Trust and vulnerability are extremely difficult for me.

There was a new girl that started work at my organization (way back when I could work). My first impression was that she was too talkative, too negative and too naive. I couldn't stand her! I used to scoff at things she said and did. Over time, the more I worked with her and got to know her, I realized that I did actually like her and we actually became good friends.

Anyway, those are my experiences. Maybe with more time you will find yourself becoming friends with some of your coworkers. I hope you do. :)

 

[worthymisfit]

I personally can't stand to spend time with people that I can't relate to. I feel like its a waste of my time. I also feel way more comfortable being alone than spending time with people I don't click with. I think when you have suffered a huge prolonged trauma in your life, conversations like "did you see what so-and-so was wearing the other day" or "I'm livid because my co-worker forgot to change the paper in the copier again" seem pretty petty. Its nearly impossible to relate to a lot of people because you have this big thing that you carry around with you that people might not see, and they certainly probably wouldn't understand. Your reality is different than theirs and it always will be because you can't change what happened to you.

The good news is, its ok. Even people who don't suffer from PTSD have a hard time making connections with other people. I see married people who don't even seem to know each other, or "best friends" who are really no more than someone to get drunk with. For myself, I see it as having a high standard for the people I allow in my life, it gives me the power back. Instead of seeing myself as a broken piece of crap because I have no friends (which I used to do) I see it as a choice. I'd rather have no friends than a load of terrible relationships with people who are detrimental to my recovery process. I try not to put very much weight on making a deep connection with new people I meet. I give it a chance, figure no matter what the person is like I can learn from the encounter, and if its not the right person I move on. If the person is right, it'll just work if you open yourself up to it.

For me, its taken a long time, but this approach has landed me some really great friends who have my back. Not many. Two really. Both of whom have been there through thick and thin the last few years, don't judge me, and have helped me see myself through eyes that are kinder to me than my own. These friends have also suffered some pretty heavy things in their lives so we understand each other. I still haven't managed to swing a successful relationship, but I'm ok with that too. I just realize I have more work to do before I'm ready for that. I try not to force it.

 

[garden]

I agree with @barefoot on starting small. Those 'friends' who ditched you were not really your friends at all, or they wouldn't have ditched you. We find out who our friends are when we are in the midst of a storm, those who run for cover were there for fun, not friendship.

Maybe explore your own perceptions for a bit. Are your perceptions of others rigid? Do you allow for imperfections? Do you try to be what you want others to be? Has your fathers critical vision of you impacted your vision of others in any shape or form? Theres something called the fundamental attribution error, and we are all naturally guilty of it, but if we bring awareness to ourselves and our own perceptions, we can sometimes (not always) see things more clearly, more as they really are. A textbook example of how we wrongfully attribute peoples behavior: A man is in front of you in line at the airport waiting at the ticket counter, he's cussing under his breath about the wait, he's shifting his weight with nervous energy, and you're thinking 'what an a$$hole, they're moving the line as quickly as possible', but what you don't know is his mother is dying, and he's desperately trying to make it to her bedside. Sometimes we think people do things because they're this or that, and often we are totally wrong.

I worked at this place once where there was a woman who I barely knew, who used to sit around and talk about me to the other women. I'd walk into the break room and the abrupt silence and facial expressions gave them away, and it happened often enough so I used to hover near the entry and hear some of their remarks before I entered. I had a poker face, said hi, and poured my coffee and left. When I was in high school this used to happen and I'd secretly feel crushed, hurt, small, ugly, inadequate...etc. I would internalize, I would make their behavior about me. As a grown up when this happened with other grown ups I actually felt bad for the lady, she was so miserable with herself that she chose a target and ran her mouth with other really insecure women as a way to make herself feel better about who knows what. It wasn't even about me, it was all about her.

Sometimes we attribute peoples behavior to the wrong thing entirely. The immature co worker has many other sides. The ones who say hi/bye might want more, but feel to shy to say more.

 

[ihateusernames]

I'm in this group on Facebook, right, not connected to mental health issues at all, and there are probably 30 women there I talk to regularly. All walks of life, all backgrounds. Nearly every one of them has a hard time making and keeping up with friends. And they regularly complain about it. It's hard to make friends as an adult. It's hard for everybody.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Work is work. I actually think it is a GOOD thing that you haven't connected with anyone that deeply at work.

Remember the saying about not mixing business with pleasure? Yeah. Unfortunately work is a competitive environment. If you start mixing friendships (beyond the superficial) with business, that could create a conflict of interest. What happens when a higher up position becomes available? Out come the claws and people suddenly become not so friendly with each other.

I think its best to keep a game face of sorts. Just as they say that you should *dress* for the job you want, I also think you should *behave* for the job you want. If you avoid the petty workplace stuff, you'll be miles ahead. I'm not saying to separate yourself from everyone, but rather to keep things on a professional level. You NEVER know when personal stuff could come back to haunt you in the future.

But, in light of all that, it IS still possible to find workplace friends! Most importantly, BE YOURSELF! People can spot a fake from a mile away. That also means learning how to be comfortable with yourself....comfortable if you're in a group, and just as comfortable if you're independent and by yourself.

 

[J_trustno1]

Wow, very well said @Solara. I think I need to tone down a bit and not say anything about anyone to anyone. Secondly when they complain, I need to learn not to be part of their complaints but I admit I have done it and I've gotta grow up. Lastly, I stress over little things and people can probably read from far away that I have low confidence and lack self esteem.

Goodness, I need to learn quite a lot and there is a lot to improve about myself.