News Consent.. The Link Contains Scenarios

[Gs172003]

No you don't sound harsh.

 

[Gs172003]

Here is one I'm still having trouble with and I'm not sure how to deal with it. A few years ago I was cleaning the bathroom when my husband came in behind me, took down my pants, inserted himself and proceeded to have sex with me. It hurt, I didn't like it and I told him so later. He apologized. In another incident he rolled me over and did his thing assuming I wanted it. I don't know how to take those as they aren't related to what caused my issues now but I feel like in some ways he may have retraumatized me?

 

[Gs172003]

I shouldn't say they aren't related, they aren't what caused my issues. I'm having a hard time here

 

[Gs172003]

Ok I guess I'm just being stupid

 

[joeylittle]

@missy meier - you aren't being stupid. I wish you wouldn't do that. Just a little over an hour, and you decide no one gives a shit. (That's how I read your post, above.) So, you then call yourself stupid - never a helpful thing for the self - and you hinge it on the fact that no-one has responded. Please, try and be a little more patient with yourself, and with the rest of us, too.

I read your post #15 about 2 hours ago, and I wanted to reply, but frankly, it was too much like what my ex used to do, and I just couldn't. I know what that feels like. I have stories just like yours. And even though I let it happen, because I didn't know I could say 'no'....he was in the wrong.

The best I can tell you is - just because he was your husband, that didn't give him 24/7 access to your body, to use as he needed, when he needed. And it's also not your fault that you didn't know how to think about it that way, then. Please don't beat yourself up.

 

[Gs172003]

The last comment was about my current husband not my ex. My ex was much worse.

 

[joeylittle]

just because he was your husband, that didn't give him 24/7 access to your body, to use as he needed, when he needed.

I can update this, then, to - just because he is your husband, that doesn't mean he owns your body. I'm sorry that you are in the middle of it right now. It's hard stuff.

 

[EveHarrington]

Has your husband stopped believing that he can "have you" whenever he wants?

I think it would be a good idea to go back to basics. That is, if he wants sex he must ask you AND he must receive an affirmative "yes" from you.

 

[Gs172003]

He's not doing it anymore. I don't think he knows how

Has your husband stopped believing that he can "have you" whenever he wants?

I think it would be...

No be doesn't do that anymore. His behavior came with his porn addiction and he doesn't have that anymore. But neither of us know how to have relations that are "normal" because of our histories.

 

[Sideways]

I don't want to jump the gun making assumptions about your relationship, because I don't really know your situation from a bar of soap. But from what you've described, it sounds like your looking at one of two types of scenarios. The first: hopefully your husband is a brilliant guy who loves you deeply and wouldn't dare if he had any concept of how that sort of thing effects you. In that case, do you think you could talk to him about that? It might be a really positive step for both of you...

Alternatively, there's a pattern repetition of w@nkers in your life who don't respect you and it's all bad...Hopefully not that option.

Either way, reclaiming control of how anyone (including hubby) touches your body is really important. It makes sense to me that that sort of thing could be retraumising, and I don't think you should brush it off. Have trust in your feelings and the way you and your body respond to intimacy in its different forms. Knowing you are both safe and in control is so so important, and others don't necessarily "get it" unless we talk it through with them. Sometimes having them talk to our T with us about it can be productive..?

 

[BlueDream]

I think Eve is right, you need to set some boundaries, it's your body. Just because you're married, does not give him the right have you when he pleases, you are not his possession.

I'm guessing you have spoken with him regarding your past. It's time to do it again. And this time, take a stand for yourself, let him know he needs to get your consent, prior to sex. You have the right to say no to your husband, again he does not own you, it's your body.

 

[Gs172003]

Yeah. A bunch of jerks. I have a pattern. But he's somewhat trying. He was introduced to porn when he was 9 and that is his idea of what women want. He has to "relearn" everything.