Contemplating self-sabotage.

[FauxLiz]

The holidays are generally a terrible time of year for me. I have struggled with what I consider to be all the fake and forced gaiety that seems to begin with Halloween in America. I haven't voluntarily put up holiday decorations in over a decade (even though I had children at home) and struggle into the new year as I have a January birthday and spend Valentine's alone and single each year.

This year with the new meds that I have been taking I have actually made it through Thanksgiving alone without any major issues and much to my son's surprise when he returned from his fathers put up a tree and other decorations.

But now, as I prepare to return to work tomorrow I have been sliding into old habits, I feel like I need to punish myself for the long weekend that is ending and I do that with things like seeking out strangers for sexual encounters, drinking, craving drugs and other efforts to numb myself for the upcoming month. I hate that I can so easily believe that I need punished for not feeling miserable all weekend.

 

[Freedomfighter]

Mindless encounters may make it seem that everything is fine and dandy for a while: I watch a lot of people that do that. But I am convinced that it only will add to your suffering.

I myself have never been able to do such things, there are always chances to be without conscience, to just put it aside, but I myself am not capable of that.