Coping with excessive guilt?

[SeekingAfrica]

I've always struggled with excessive guilt-over things I was responsible for, and over others I couldn't control, but felt I should have been able to. Example is when I was in uni. My Ptsd hit in my 3rd year. It was a result of second trauma so it's not like I was all good before, but this is when the flashbacks etc. Began. And for months I told myself I was going crazy. And that whatever happened, since I am safe and back to uni I have to ace all my tests etc. I was killing myself over every nightmare or flashback and thinking I don't deserve to seek help or talk about that until all my exams are aced and so on. Which of course didn't end there.
I'm doing a lot better with it now, but there are still times it goes off the rails. Like, as you all know I've had financial issues finding work nd making enough. Which in turn created debts. Now logical response is to examine the situation, find solutions and work on them, which I am doing
But you don't fix a situation you made worse for years in a day, it takes time. However, while I'm taking steps to change, now I still have moments when I'm late with bills or need to borrow money. I'm fighting against a mountain of debt which if I'm very intentional about will be done in 2 years. So I have to take it step by step. But each time I can't pay what I feel I should be able to, each time I'm a bit late, I feel like self harming over it. I can't turn back time, I know I'm not the only person in debt, I know we all act to the best of our ability and so it is what it is. I know I have to concentrate on what I do now, not what was. But still, every little setback, whether because of me(not making enough on time) or because of someone else(let's go with bank delay-but again, shouldn't live aycheck to paycheck, should've gotten help for my anxiety earlier so I don't avoid going outside and be able to concentrate when I had better work, should have saved whatever amount, any amount yearly and in 10 years I would've still had something saved...). Basically, every setback makes me want to self harm. I still have the part of me that takes action and analyses the situation and so on... But a part of me wants to self harm too. And feeling like this any time there is a setback will make the process of getting out of debt a lot longer than it should be- and the process of getting healthier.
I am having a setback this week and it's like my brain is on fire. Half of the time it feels like I won't get through the week and the other half like this setback is worth hurting myself over. And so every actual practical task feels so much harder to start or complete. Is there anything I can do to cope with that? I'm trying dbt, though I'm doing it on my own with YouTube and resources found online. So if anyone knows specific things from dbt that would be more helpful, or other ideas, that would be really helpful. In weeks like this I feel I'm digging myself deeper a bit and there is no solace and this will keep happening to me. I know it's not true, but often it feels true. I feel like this week I'm counting hours and it's hard to think clearly.

 

[ms spock]

So I relate to what you are talking about. I call it Corrosive Self Doubt, so a different name but very similar to what you are going through.

There are some good resources out there. These helped me, they might not work for you but might lead you to something that might assist you.

Self-Compassion I used to get suicidal when I started to do this but over time I have broken it down. Go really slowly. I really recommend the "Self Compassion Break" if you can give yourself some soothing and care whilst you are struggling it can help a little bit. Tips for practice - Self-Compassion

Self-Compassion Exercises by Dr. Kristin Neff

 

[ms spock]

One day you will think of these things and that is a huge success for that day. Other days you might do one or two of them.

There's also Instant Mindfulness

Radical Acceptance one of my favourites!

Tara Brach on Youtube

David Burns on Youtube (his book is a must read and must have)

Cutting out the sugar if you can.

Regular sleep (I know! IMPOSSIBLE at times)

Eating vegetables and looking after your nutrition as best you can.

The Mindful Way Through Depression - have it on audiobook play it in the background.

The Mindful Way Through Anxiety - also on audiobook.

Exercise if you can - it's a struggle I know.

DBT Self Help

I am also in a LOT of debt and I am not as organised as you in paying it back! You are amazing. You are making progress! I honour for your personal growth and courage!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I am also in a LOT of debt and I am not as organised as you in paying it back! You are amazing. You are making progress! I honour for your personal growth and courage!

Wow! Thank you! I expected some suggestion, you gave me a whole list:). Will definitely try that.
Someone has suggested to me the selfcompassion exercises before, and I never did them. I think I'm so hard on myself it feels hard to even try. But I will this time.
Agreed about the sleep, I need to get my sleep meds the next time I get paid. Haven't really been sleeping well for weeks and that is affecting me for sure.
Exercise actually is the one thing I have under control right now. I go to ballet both days on the weekend and having membership there isn't like gym or zumba, it's more like school. You have to show up, you have people expecting you and if you're skipping class you have to say why. On most days I want to be there, it's a passion and they are like my second family. But then there are days that just..harder, and then having them expect me to show up helps. Plus wanting to be better in class helps with finding outside motivation to exercise during the week. I found my flow between eating and exercise and lost 28kg in the last 4months(was overweight for 2 years). So that part I got. All the rest is messy.

Just as I was writing someone called me and now I need to call my Internet provided. And it's about something I probably should have done 2 weeks ago, but I didn't know I had to. And now suddenly it's urgent which in a week like this instantly gives me an anxiety attack and I need to spend time trying to get myself to make that call... Ugh...

Sorry, got off track! Thank you for the resources and the kind words. There are days when getting out of debt feels impossible and it's killing me. I know people have debt,but I'm a freelance which means for a long time I haven't been able to have credit cards--still don't, so my whole debt is either late bills or directly to people and it weights on me more because of that. Or I am just too hard on myself for it.

 

[Ronin]

There are days when getting out of debt feels impossible and it's killing me.

Realize that is debt in ways that, truly, don't matter, definitely not worth that kind of a guilt, over.

Really. You could be indebted to people in so many ways that are for life, or not something you can ever return, or fix.

Instead you owe them... cash? Money doesn't matter. people do crazy ugly things over money, but it's not the kind of debt that would put you in a bad light. It has zero bearing on your stellar character, or show your choices. It only shows you live in poor lands, in hard conditions.

That is *admirable*, every moron out there can live comfortably in wealth & privilege.

What you do is hard work.

Every time you want to chastize yourself for that debt, praise yourself instead for all the efforts.

Change the meanings, because the acts don't need changing. You are doing enough.

lost 28kg in the last 4months

& this? Is extremely worrisome to me. In, too much too fast.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

& this? Is extremely worrisome to me. In, too much too fast.

Ooooh!! Sorry! Will note on the rest later, but the amount was misspelled actually! It's 18kg,not 28....Typo,really! Went from 83kg to 65. So still a lot but not quite that much, if I had lost 28 in 4 months I would worry too. 18 is a lot, but still in acceptable parameters I think(about 4 and something kg per month).

 

[SeekingAfrica]

@Ronin thank you for that talk on debt. I think it helps- the more times I get it in my head that it's not something to torture myself over, the faster my brain will make the connection and start accepting it, I hope.

When it comes to money I'm all messed up and each time there's such issue it's like it cuts through me and every sense of self I have. I went to work abroad to make money once and borrowed to do so. It was an investment in my future. But then not only the rape happened to me, from a guy in the house where I lived, but also I couldn't leave that situation because I was out of money and out of more people to borrow from at the time. And so I stayed in stupid dangerous situation, let things happen again and almost got killed at one point(literally) - because I didn't have the money to leave. And of course there are more elements to the story, like why couldn't I report it and hope authorities get me out of the situation... But I was young and scared and already pretty messed up even before all that...

So money issues always make me feel weak and nauseous and hypersensitive. It took me the last several years to get myself out of completely freezing and being unable to apply for jobs, it was that debilitating. I know it seems like an overreaction, but it was that way. For year, each money issue was making me lock myself at home sleeping and staying in bed for days being 5%productive and completely useless the rest of the time. It's only recent that I can continue to work and really put effort in even when feeling this way.

So I guess now the next step is to start turning around that guilty feeling when it comes to debt. Until my brain finally gets it. Sorry for the long explanations, sort of just came out of me...

 

[Ronin]

And so I stayed in stupid dangerous situation, let things happen again

You were not letting that situation happen, at all.

& Regardless of what you were told or what seemed like? Having the money doesn't really mean you could have exited it, then / Nor it makes for automatically safer living / there are so many situations where money just is more problems, and more danger, not less. So maybe look at this, the way you feel of money, versatility of life, and safety?

You aren't trapped, & even unable to move out fast? You aren't trapped. You got yourself through, before.

 

[Shervin]

@ms spock, which book by David Burns do you recommend? I've got very little self-worth, as a result of my childhood C-PTSD, maybe it can help me

 

[ms spock]

Feeling Good by David Burns @Shervin it's the book on CBT. It's brilliant. Read a little bit most days and take it in bit by bit.

 

[ms spock]

Someone has suggested to me the selfcompassion exercises before, and I never did them. I think I'm so hard on myself it feels hard to even try. But I will this time.

So honour that unworthy feeling part of yourself. Because if you don't it will try to take over.

It took ages for me to do Self Compassion without triggering suicidal ideation.

So start with 15 seconds or 30 seconds and build up from that. If you can't do that then read the website, and congratulate yourself for going in the right direction. We are unlearning. Unlearning takes time.

 

[The Albatross]

Hmmm. A bit disturbed with the, cavalier attitude about debts. But I've got a financial stresser hotspot due to deception and my own past. If I ever give anything with out expectation of repayment and having been agreed upon it's called a gift. Africa... look at what you wrote a week or so ago and now. What's going on please?

Is not being able to meet financial debts excessive guilt OR do you need to take other measures to deal with your debts.