Relationship Coping with some bad news

[abbynormal1929]

Hello,

I have a trauma history, but today I am posting as a supporter of someone with a trauma history, which I also am.

Yesterday we recieved some bad news. My wife is pregnant, and we found out yesterday that the baby is in breach position. My wife hates hospitals, and was planning to have the baby at a birthing center. There is a proceedure with a high success rate to turn the baby around,that involves a medical proceedure at a hospital. A breech presentation by istelf disqualifies her from an out of hospital birth.

Since we found out yesterday... I've seen her depressed before but never like this (obviously with good reason). She barely talking at all, and has been hold up in her bedroom most of the time. I cant even immagine what might be going though her head right now. She wants to be left alone, and I want to give her her space, but I'm wondering if there's a fine line between giving her space, and just doing nothing to help. I mean I can go in and try to be there for her, but she hasn't responded yet. I can do things around the house that she would normally do so she doesn't have to. I'm just in a place where I feel like I'm either pestering her when she wants to rest, or neglecting her when she needs support. She also won't talk to anyone else, or tell anyone else. I just don't know if I should take more action, or just let her rest, or some combination of the 2. I'm also trying to take care of my own emotions which is proving pretty difficult. On top of that, my step-daughter and I both have colds. I know in any case the baby is going to be born healthy, my wife is just going to have to go through things she hates to get to that point in the mean time.

 

[Tornadic Thoughts]

I don't have any answers but I have some heart hugs to offer. May things lighten up and get better for all of you soon.

 

[abbynormal1929]

Any words of support are gladly accepted.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I would give her the space she's asking for. I get you want to support her but she's asking for space. She needs to deal with her own emotions and also work out likely anxiety and panic over knowing she will need to face the triggers of a hospital. I think when she wants support she will let you know. I'd just let her know you are there to lean on when she is ready. Maybe taking care of household things are good but that could backfire as well. But not a whole lot you can do. Deal with your own emotions as well. Don't forget about your own stuff. You know?

 

[abbynormal1929]

That's mostly what I'm doing. She's already certain in her head that the proceedure to turn the baby won't work and she'll end up having a c-section, which is what happened with her first kid 10 years ago. I certainly don't blame her for catastrophizing, I tend to do it a lot myself.

 

[Scarlet13]

So I think that with pregnancy, there is always a part of your plan that you have to do without.
For example, I got to have a vaginal birth, but struggled with breast feeding and had to use formula which made breast feeding even harder and this was deeply distressing.
But I had a friend who had a c-section and this was deeply upsetting to her, but she was great with breast feeding.
When it comes to pregnancy, you always have to say, "Is the baby healthy? Will we get the baby here safely with a safe/healthy mom?"
And if yes, then you have to try to be ok with that.
Pregnancy, child birth, and post birth can be mentally taxing for anyone, but especially with PTSD sufferers. It can even be traumatizing/re-traumatizing.

The key is mental health support.
I would take the depression very seriously.
PTSD plus hormones plus having to let go of your birth plan needs additional support.
I would not give her space too much, I would let her know you are there for her. I would get any close girlfriends involved and get a therapist if you don't have one.
Pregnancy can stir up a lot of PTSD symptoms. You don't want issues now to snowball into post partum depression. Get good mental health support now. Trust me.

The birth process is scary and a woman just wants to know she will be safe and comfy.
I don't know if it helps to know but many hospitals are like hotels and even spa like. With both my births, I was in a "suite" where I hung out in a jetted tub and walked around during contractions. Then all the medical stuff did come out of the wall but I found that comforting. I think hospitals have come a long way since 10 yrs ago. Many are like this.
I would tell her she is not alone to be upset and that it feels worse because of all the hormones. It would help her to know that you are taking care of her.

You also have to take care of yourself as this enables you to be there for your family.

 

[abbynormal1929]

I'm doing my best. She refeuses therapy every time it comes up, and she won't talk to anyone else aside from me because she says she hates people. Way before she was pregnant she never trusted most health care people like doctors or therapists, and she's very black and white when it comes to the medical profession. Saying they're always trying to scam you, and give you proceedures you don't need. she hasn't had a primary care doctor in 12 years... so I don't really know...

 

[joeylittle]

she hasn't had a primary care doctor in 12 years... so I don't really know...

Who has been helping with monitoring the pregnancy - do you have a midwife, doula? Calling them to visit her would be a good idea - and also, talking with them yourself.

 

[abbynormal1929]

Midwives/birthing center, we've been in touch, and my wife is doing better now. But she's still convinced that the midwives we've been seeing are just going to get her out of their care as fast as possible, even though they've said before that even if she had to go to a hospital that they would come and act as a doula.