Couldn't sleep last night - ease my fears of psychosis

[Sweetleaf]

I'm sorry you've been through psychosis, it sounds like the worst kind of trauma sandwich.

It very much feels like a traumatic experience to me. I have seen people say it doesn't qualify as a traumatic experience, but I think that might be a fat sack of bullshit written by someone who never went through it. Maybe it's that my psychosis was caused by trauma, and I had it after 4 years of trauma? Maybe my already-traumatized brain went and stuck those memories into the "f*cked up shit that can make me freak out" pile. I don't know. It almost seemed like my brain was trying to find ways to make me not feel so bad about my trauma, via delusions, but then spiraled into an abyss of mortal terror (though I wasn't in any -real- danger, only imagined danger that feels 100% real).

Talking about it deeply enough makes me have the same physical reactions I have when I start talking about other traumatic things that I haven't processed enough to be able to go into detail about.

I can't tell people about the thought processes that were going through my head while I was psychotic, particularly during that day/night where I went to the hospital. It's too much, that shit makes my palms sweaty the instant I start going into it and I kind of freak out. It's like all of those thoughts, which I see as nothing but insane delusions that mean nothing, are danger thoughts, and it's dangerous to even think them, even though I know they are just crazy shit that means nothing.

Ps, great to see another sweary type!

f*ck yeah.

It's actually kind of funny, because swearing is the sort of thing that could get me fired. Lmao. I have to really be careful not to slip up.

 

[Freida]

Yet I can't bring myself to call the things that were done on them "torture"

My T and I had a lot of talks about my wording....
I didn't have trauma -- I had adventures
I didn't have anything major go wrong - I just had a series of unfortunate events
I didn't have torture - I had some unpleasant things happen

It's the minimizing part of ptsd and it is hard, hard, hard for me to break. I make tiny steps and then beat myself up for being a whiner, melodramatic, etc. But according to the Ts and a couple good friends on this site -- the words are important. Because they have power. Power to help me see the truth.

The day I actually used the words "I" and "torture" in the same sentence I couldn't decide if I wanted to laugh or puke. And even with that breakthrough we still have to go back to it over and over in therapy because I can't get it to stick in my brain.
So talk with your T about it and if you figure out how to get it to stick let me know!!!:)

 

[Sweetleaf]

So talk with your T about it and if you figure out how to get it to stick let me know!!

Will do!

In other news...

I still can't sleep...

I just laid down for 2 hours. I felt like I came close a couple times, but either my thoughts or some noise would make me snap out of it before falling asleep.

At the end of those two hours my pulse was 90bpm. Laying on a bed for 2 hours... 90bpm... nice.

I think maybe my anxiety about not being able to fall asleep is actually making me not be able to fall asleep. Self-fulfilling prophecy I guess, lmao.

Hopefully this valium I just took, along with this doxylamine succinate, will help me get more drowzy feeling, and make me stop feeling so anxious so i can f*ckin sleep

Like f*ck. f*ck. Damit. Why?/ What the f*ck is going on with me? Why the f*ck is this shit happening? I'm definitely talking to my pdoc tomorrow and seeing if i should drop the wellbutrin dose because, maybe that really is what's causing it. It is a stimulant.

Its like... i am so f*cking tired.... but i literally cannot make my eyes stay closed and fall the f*ck asleep, its like all the parts of tired minus the parts that make you fall asleep.
if this goes on for much longer i am really gonna start to crack.
I need to f*cking stay calm.
C'mon valium kick in already

 

[Swift]

Hey. Yeah. That sucks.
What I meant by trauma sandwich is that you had 4 years of trauma, and then in escaping the only way you knew how, you got even more traumatized. It just seems so unfair. Hence, trauma in between trauma = trauma sandwich.
Sounds like you already had the bread from your abusive relationship and psychosis was the fkn mystery meat.
I hope it didn't come across like I meant that psychosis wasn't trauma.
My working definition of trauma is anything that profoundly alters your view of the world, your self, and your place in the world. Psychosis passes that test with flying colours, which may be the only good thing I could say about it.
I don't like to play pain olympics with stuff.
Do you reckon you might have a bit of a feedback loop going on? Like, you're anxious about not sleeping which makes it harder to get to sleep?
One thing we all have in common is the minimization hey? My therapist gets up me for language. My fav trick at the moment is giving non-answers, apparently, or being vague on purpose.
Sometimes it feels like, if I quantify how bad it was and use emotionally loaded terms, that it will be worse and I won't be able to deal? Like, if I say it was 'not good' or 'unpleasant' then it'll stay that way? Even just thinking about calling it torture is terrifying and my heart's beating faster. I had a hard enough time calling it rape or abuse. I swore my head off at my shrink the first time he called her a paedophile.
Reading the file from that time is hilarious.
(A few gems follow if anyone could use a laugh. Stop reading now if you want because it's completely irrelevant.) He quotes me verbatim, mostly. Bear in mind this is not at all what I am like usually, at all. Unwell and trapped in a room with someone who wanted to f*ck around in my head and tell me I had problems? No effing thanks.
When asked how she was, Swift replied "and why the f*ck do you want to know?"
Pt refuses to consider DBT as an alternative, because "f*ck you, that's why."
My personal fav was:
"Tried a silence strategy. Transcript of conversation follows.
Swift is visibly agitated, shaking, tapping feet, looking at clock. Begins to breathe heavily. Will not maintain eye contact, but tracks my every move.
5 minutes on the dot, she asks "and what the fck are you looking at?"
L: "I'm waiting for you to say something."
Swift: "Well, you'll be waiting a long fcking time then."
I was."

 

[Freida]

Swift: "Well, you'll be waiting a long fcking time then."

OMG I snorted coffee out my nose reading those! That's what I love best about this site -- makes me feel like less of a freak when I see y'all are just as messsed up as I am!

@Sweetleaf - hope you got some sleep -- and yes, you are stuck in the can't sleep cause you can't sleep prophecy loop. I've been there many times and have to rely on my good friend Xanex to break out of it

 

[Sweetleaf]

Do you reckon you might have a bit of a feedback loop going on? Like, you're anxious about not sleeping which makes it harder to get to sleep?

and yes, you are stuck in the can't sleep cause you can't sleep prophecy loop. I've been there many times and have to rely on my good friend Xanex to break out of it

I think that's totally what was going on. The valium did the trick. I don't think the doxylamine really mattered, it was totally my anxiety that made me unable to sleep.

It took like an hour and a half for me to calm down enough to start actually feeling like I could sleep. Then I was out. Didn't even leave the couch. Got woken up at like 7am by my mom, which startled the shit out of me (being woken up can be so scary it makes me scream at the top of my lungs before I realize whats going on), then I went down to my room and slept until around half an hour ago. Got somewhere around 11 hours of sleep in total.

Really hope I can sleep tonight without having to take valium to stay calm enough for it.

My fav trick at the moment is giving non-answers, apparently, or being vague on purpose.

I have a lot of long pauses where I'm trying to either think of what to say, or actually get myself to utter the words. It is so hard to say the words sometimes, and I do often use less-emotionally-loaded terms.

(Before even typing this I started getting sweaty palms but I'm going to give it a shot)
I described being assraped as a very strong "violatey pinchy tickley pressure feeling" then explained that it was nothing like being tickled, its just the sensation of being tickled is the closest I can get to describing it. It's 100% bad feeling, its like a sensation that makes your brain scream "MAKE IT f*ckING STOP GET IT AWAY HOLY SHIT". What I said to her actually lacks a whole shitload of other elements to it, it's just I can't bring myself to speak about those aspects of having that done to you.

This is kind of odd but... I feel like I can say "assrape" because it makes it sound like a joke to me almost, the term just seems ridiculous. Kinda makes me feel nauseous though.

I hope it didn't come across like I meant that psychosis wasn't trauma.

Not at all, what you said just made me think of the people who -do- say that psychosis isn't a traumatic experience. I get your trauma sandwich metaphor better now though, that's a good description. I really wish I could have got myself out of that -without- the psychosis... the end of that, and the start of my "being free" would have gone so much more smoothly... but then again, when I think about it, it was probably the psychosis that made me get myself out of that situation. At the time, I was thinking to myself "my brain went haywire to wake me the f*ck up and get me the f*ck out of this" and honestly, the psychosis is what made it "click" that he was abusive... that seems so f*cked up and odd to me, that even though he did so much -very clearly horrible- stuff, my mind was so manipulated by him that I didn't really think of him as abusive... it was like I was in a fog, numb to it all, and then my brain broke and I went "wow this guy is basically like a f*cking demon" and then became as terrified by him, as if he really were a demon, because my psychotic mind thought he was demonically possessed and -thats- why he was so bad to me.

Now I obviously just see him for what he was: someone very f*cked up in the head who gave no f*cks about anyone but himself, and saw other people as nothing but tools to be used for his own personal gain.

I wonder if he's got himself a new victim yet. (hard to say victim tbh... it's makes me hurt to think of myself like that)

Hands are shaking now so I'm going to stop.

 

[Freida]

You are very, very brave!:hug:

 

[Sweetleaf]

You are very, very brave!:hug:

Thank you for saying that. I keep hearing people tell me that, and my T basically says that and variations of it at the end of my sessions, but I don't feel like I'm brave at all.

Ah... that makes me think of something.

When my T said "he sounds like a master manipulator, like a real pro" I thought she was being sarcastic or lying. But I think that's just my brain's inability to tolerate hearing someone point out exactly how f*cked up and bad he was. It's like it goes "nope, there is no way someone could really think that, therefore they are pulling your leg"

I couldn't even muster up a response. Kinda went deer in headlights mode. It's hard to see what she said as a statement that was serious/genuine.

Not going to lie... when I read your post saying I was brave something in my mind went "she's f*cking with you"
But you really don't seem like the type that would do that, and I know it's just my mind playing tricks on me.

 

[Scarlet13]

Ok,
So I struggled with psychosis caused by post partum depression and severe sleep dep.
I didn't sleep at all after the birth of my baby for one week straight and hallucinated maggots coming out of the trash can and the ceiling switching with the floor.
I took an ssri for 5 mos which made it all worse even though it was sedating.
I then had severe withdrawal.
A very good psychiatrist rescued me after 1 year of crazy hell with a low dose benzo and ACT therapy.
I had to get off the benzo and I struggled with more sleepless nights.
This caused severe panic and disassiciation as I feared that post partum year and that psychosis.
What helped me get off the benzo and sleep were two main things:
1. I have to accept sleep debt. This will not be as bad as it was before because I have had interventions.
The worst psychosis was a mental and physical break down with no help.
If I get sleep deprived wonkiness again it will not be the same thing, no full blown psychosis, but I have to accept the reality of sleep debt and problem solve for it without catastrophizing it.
But I will feel like shit. I have to face that. Accept that. Tolerate it.
The other thing is to find some safety while being sleep deprived.
You are going to experience insomnia with PTSD and med adjustments.
What will make it safe?
I usually think that if I keep having insomnia for one week straight then I will get accupunture. If it continues beyond that then I will take a benzo.
The key above all is to not fear lack of sleep.
You can survive lack of sleep
Your psychosis was not just from lack of sleep.
Lack of sleep is not the end of the world.
It will always pass especially with theraputic interventions, like seeing your therapist.
I hear you putting a lot of pressure on yourself to sleep.
Try saying, "It is ok if I just rest tonight. Then I will have an extreme self care day tomorrow."
You can passively wait for your sleep to come back and don't put pressure on yourself.
There are a lot of things that I do that save me from on going sleep deprivation.
If you want to know just pm me.
I have been coping with sleep issues for 5 years. I am 13 mos out from Klonopin and slowly improving even with PTSD and ADHD.
I am very slowly regaining normal sleep, but I have those wide awake nights fearing psychosis or work performance issues or never getting my life back and yet I have not had psychosis since that post partum year (aside from benzo withdrawal visual glitches.)
People live with sleep debt and they survive until they get interventions.
Which you can get and this includes med adjustments.
Acuppunture is also great for sleep.

 

[Sweetleaf]

@Scarlet13 thank you for saying all of that. It's nice to hear those reassuring words from someone who has been through the same sort of things (though your psychosis ordeal sounds much worse, not that any amount of time in that state is anything but horrible). I am so sorry you had to go through all that.

I just came back to this thread, because I didn't get to sleep last night, either. At least I had a nice big fat sleep between the two periods of sleep deprivation. I came back mainly because I had started to get quite panicky about the psychosis again, and reading your words another time calmed me down. I can breathe now lol. By the time I reached the bottom of your post, I felt so much more relaxed.

Again, thanks for posting that. It's really helpful for me to be able to read those words.

 

[Sweetleaf]

Called my pdoc. She's going to send in a lower dose prescription. Yay! Back to my old dose, going to miss the depression relief, but it's not worth the severe anxiety. I think getting to have a reminder that I -can- have times where I don't feel like that, is going to be helpful if/when it returns.

I am getting really loopy with the sleep deprivation right now, but I also am feeling relieved and happy, though I still know I'm going to have to really hang on to make it through the day. It's just nice to know that it's going to be over soon.

 

[Scarlet13]

I felt triggered actually last night after responding to this post.
My reaction to psych meds was very traumatizing, but hard to process and heal from.
I am hoping to process it when I see my T.
I may be taking a break from here for a while.