Crisis Counselor Just Told Me To Dissociate.

[FindingMyself88]

Ok so it's been a bad week. Then on top my mom is in one of her borderline moods. She guilts me into listening to her and keeps making indirect comments about suicide. I dissociate. When I snap back into, she is drinking and still going on. I take knife to my room and begin cutting. Panic attack hits and Bristol is on top of me. I use iPod to contact crisis chat. He just keeps trying to say I sound better even when I'm not. Then he asks what do I normally do when upset like this. I tell him dissociate and explain it and why my T says it's not good. He says "well it's better than harming yourself until you calm down."

Hmmm guess I'll just check out now. Sorry if this makes no sense at all.

 

[billie]

I can see how dissociation can help aviod the behaviour of self harm. Are you safe? are there other methods that work besides cutting? Eg ice rubber bands. Wish you the best.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

If it helps my therapist tells me to go home and dissociate after sessions where we've touched on trauma, but then she recognizes both that and self-harm as coping tools that keep me alive and doesn't tell me not to do either.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

My therapist says that dissociation is a coping skill that has it's time of helping. It's not always good, but it does help sometimes. I hope you can get through this rough patch and stay safe. Keep coming on here if you need to and can. I find that helps me to stay more connected and know that I am not alone and can survive these current feelings.

 

[The Albatross]

Disassociation is "least worst" perhaps. Better than cutting though not stellar. But in your home situation, it seems like it would be very difficult to be stellar. So go easy on yourself and consider what was said. Ask more questions if you need to.

 

[The Albatross]

Maybe I should rephrase that and say, "disassociation in your present circumstances is safer than cutting".

 

[KwanYingirl]

I'm sorry you've had so much struggle lately. I wish you had a better housing situation, although living in an apartment house has challenges too.

I complained to my therapist that he's making me not dissociate. But he said he wouldn't do that because there are times that it's better than self harm. Not ideal but while I'm learning to tolerate distress it's got it's place.

 

[FindingMyself88]

I made it through the night, although I hate now I feel now :(. Thats the problem with dissociating is when I come out I feel like death warmed over. Then I want to cut more to feel something different, especially when it's been a bad night like last night. My T says it served its purpose as a child, and I guess checking out is better than suicide. It doesn't stop me from cutting. Sometimes I actual cut more, like last night.

This is why I NEED to be in university. One, classes give me something to focus on. Also I saw my psychiatrist for free through the school, now I won't have that. Nor my doctor either.

I just wish I could go back to sleep and sleep all day. My mom is off today and tomorrow..

 

[Justmehere]

So sorry you are dealing with so much! In glad you made it through the night.

Maybe you could get out of the house for the day and go to a community library and study up for your classes at the community college or perhaps the GRE. I know you are still working on finishing undergrad work, but when I've felt so down and hopeless about school myself, sometimes going to a library and studying math and verbal skills helped me distract. feel capable, feel productive, and like I could and would reach my goals.

Or maybe you and Bristol and go find a new training adventure today, and you can tell your family you have to go and do it. I do this with my service dog often when family is around. My last adventure training trip with my dog was to go to the zoo. (I wouldn't recommend it when a dog is still leaning lots). It was good for me and my dog who learned to handle it all. Other times I have a taken her to swimming pools, parks, free summer concerts, etc.

Just some thoughts that may not work for you and this awful situation you are in with your mom and family and living situation.

I know that none of it is the same level of distraction and structure that school provides. I also and relate to the rebound symptom effect and other side effects that happens for dissociating. It's awful to get through. I'm sorry that you have been hurting so bad. You deserve a break!

 

[KwanYingirl]

@FindingMyself88
You've been in cutting mode for too long!!!! Please contact your therapist and make a plan to follow until you get school worked out. The last thing you need right now is an infection. I know so well the compulsion. I've been getting my scarred skin tattood over the past year. I find the feeling of getting a tattoo is relaxing. But that's beside the point. What can you do right now to improve your outlook? Justmehere gave you some great ideas. Get out of the house, change your focus. And please reach out to your T I sense you're getting too exhausted. Are you eating ok? Please-take care of your wounds, you can get really sick if you overdo it.

I'm going out on a limb here, but I think you are so disappointed and overwhelmed by your emotions, you're brain is on a negative feedback loop. Gotta reverse that. Think back and remember times you did ignore your compulsion to cut. How did you do that? Do it again. You know as well as I do the effects only last a few minutes and then regret takes over. Are you artistic? Drawing is a great stress buster. Maybe you can draw some designs for tattoos to cover your scars. It doesn't matter that it might be awhile before you could get tattoos or maybe you don't like them, but tapping into your creative mind can bring you a sense of peace.

Right now I am picturing you and Bristol sitting outside and you're writing or drawing and you're breathing relaxing breaths. Looking forward to better times ahead. Having a place of your own having college degrees. Rest up now so when school starts up you'll be ready. Keep in touch. Just an idea, but could you post a message when you're wanting to cut and see if the thread can ease you out of that compulsion?

 

[FindingMyself88]

Thank you @Justmehere for the ideas. I did go run some errands earlier with Bristol and later we are going to walmart to pick up my mom's medicine. I told my mom I would go so I could do some training with Bristol. We are working on distraction training for her and ironically enough hopefully it will be a distraction for me. The zoo sounds awesome but I know Bristol isn't ready for that until we get over our barrier frustration with dogs, also I can't afford to do anything. If I could, I would go to see a movie…But we will settle for Wal-mart.

@KwanYingirl As far as contacting my T, that is not possible right now. She is on vacation and I have an appointment with her on her first day back Tuesday. I was just on the verge of getting better when my mom started her crap. We were suppose to do some EMDR targets Tuesdays, but I think she will agree we need to talk.

Thank you for the visual, I wish I could see that. I do like to draw and paint, but that would require me going into the dining room, which is next to the living room where my mom is. So for now I will stay in room until it's time to go to wal-mart.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I think that the cutting shows how much pain you are in. But it is so bad for you. Can you make a contract with your therapist to contact when you feel the urge to cut?

The idea of looking for help here when you get the urge is also a fantastic idea.