Cutting Off Family

[sunnydaze]

I cut off my mom a year before she died. What, I mourned was now that she was gone there would be no hope of maybe her changing and being a real mom to me. I cut off my older sister 4 years ago and don't miss her or the drunk calls. I recently cut off my other sister as I saw the relationship was all about her as it was all our lives. She was pulling me down physically, mentally and spirtually. I thought about how I would react if she died by my cutting her off now. I figured it out. The same it was for my mom not ever going to see a change of her being a real sister to me. It was my sanity, I had to protect.
sunnydaze

 

[Seychelle]

I still have this insane need to protect their reputation. I can talk about being abused by 'someone', but can't come out and say - my dad abused me. If people knew, it would destroy all the good work they have done over their lives - I know it sounds sick, but I just can't bring myself to betray them.

Hi shiraz

It is hard to break silence. Very hard. I think a lot of abused kids learn the rule 'do not talk about it' very well - too well, usually.

My great uncle sexually assaulted me several times when I was little. He was a respected elder in his church and did a lot of volunteer and community work. If he was still alive (he died many years ago from illness), I would like to think I'd call him on it. But maybe I wouldn't - I haven't told my sister about him, except to ask her once in a letter what she remembered about him. It was too hard for me at the time to break through her denial so I just dropped the issue.

My parents, ugh, I am still working out what, if anything, I want to do about their 'reputation'. They both do a lot of volunteer work in their community too. I don't see them any more, so sometimes it feels like it would be more of a revenge thing if I outed them to people they know. So... I haven't done anything about it because I'm not sure I trust my motives for wanting to do that. Still thinking about it.

Breaking the silence is hard and there are no easy answers. My current rule of thumb for decisions about stuff like this is to ask myself 'what is best for my mental health?' and act on that. That gave me the courage to cut off from my parents.

 

[Marlene]

I've watched this thread grow but I've resisted reading it because it's such a sensitve subject for me. For whatever reason I read it this morning and it was a real eye-opener. Lots out there who feel like I do.

My father and I never had a really close relationship...unless I was being his perfect, obedient little princess. If I chose my own path (or thoughts for that matter) I was pretty much ignored. We were what I termed 'polite strangers'. At his funeral five years ago all of these praises were heaped on him. I guess he could be nice to people who weren't family. My brother and I have seen each other maybe half a dozen times in the past 20 or so years. We talk on the phone for a few minutes every month or so. That's as far as I'm letting him back into my life. I've put a big barricade back up between my mother and I. I talk to her every few weeks or so and just give her the happy, Reader's Digest version of my life. She was a big support for me at first with PTSD...but that's waned and the crap and the guilt have started back up again. And I'm not putting up with it ever again.

I've not completely cut my family of origin out of my life. But I have put up very firm boundraries that they're not allowed to cross. Too much of the crap I've worked too hard to get better from came from how they were and still are. I guess you could call it an emotion cutting off from family.

Lisa

 

[shiraz]

what is best?

Breaking the silence is hard and there are no easy answers. My current rule of thumb for decisions about stuff like this is to ask myself 'what is best for my mental health?' and act on that. That gave me the courage to cut off from my parents.

Hey Seyshelle,

The abuse in churches is horrendous and nobody talks about it - everyone is surrounded by pious and 'so called' righteous people ... but everyone follows the unspoken rules and remains silent when it comes to abuse. Churches should be supportive and transparent communities - places where weakness can be discussed, where people can ask for forgiveness without fear of rejection or stigmatization and people can reconcile. Christianity can be so isolating for the individual; one has to uphold one's reputation so that the church leadership will recognize you and once you are recognized as faithful you are not allowed to show weakness or fall in any way. I left all that hypocrisy behind a long time ago - it is dehumanizing for me.

What I really want now is closure so that I can heal. Part of my bitterness towards my parents is that they worked with a youth organization; taking other people's kids on holidays, supporting other kid's needs and giving them all the time and love I felt I never had from them. They seemed to care more for others than for their own. And then of course, the pretense - looking like a model family from the outside - and hiding such darkness within. I want closure, I think that is what is best for my mental health - which means I need an apology for the abuse and the opportunity to extend forgiveness. I am not interested in broadcasting it to the world - I just want my family to heal, they all carry pain and anger and can't figure out why - they are all in denial.

 

[Mina]

They seemed to care more for others than for their own. And then of course, the pretense - looking like a model family from the outside - and hiding such darkness within.

Wow. My family was this way, too (although not with sexual abuse). I finally broke down in high school and it resulted in an informal investigation of my father, who is quite prominent in his ministry field...of course he was hellacious and vicious towards me. There's a song by the band Whiteheart called "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Christian" - it's an older one but totally described what my family was like, and sounds like it might be your situation too. The hypocrisy ran sooo deep. Even when I got divorced three years ago, I heard how I was making him look bad...as if I wasn't hurting enough already.

I rejected God and belief and religion for a long time because of how awful, hypocritical, and two-faced my "nice, loving, Christian" family was. I especially could not identify with the concept of God as a loving father.

It wasn't until I read CS Lewis's Chronicles of Narnia this past winter that I finally realized the father concept isn't the only one out there. I actually started going to church again about 2 months ago (non-denominational, as practically everybody in my former denomination knows of my father). I have been just overwhelmed at the love and support I've found there...finally, as you said, Shiraz, "places where weakness can be discussed, where people can ask for forgiveness without fear of rejection or stigmatization and people can reconcile." It's incredible.

 

[carapace]

With all due respect, what you call Christianity is not what Christianity is. Those inside politics are found in every aspect of life.

Sorry if I offended. I just think that it is important to note that there are many Christian churches with good and bad in them.

My Christian faith is what holds me together.

 

[Seychelle]

I want closure, I think that is what is best for my mental health - which means I need an apology for the abuse and the opportunity to extend forgiveness.

I can see that an apology from your family is important to you. But unfortunately there are no guarantees that they will ever do this. I guess I'm a bit concerned that it seems like you're putting your mental health in their hands, in wanting that apology. Are you working on your trauma in other ways as well?

 

[shiraz]

health in their hands?

I can see that an apology from your family is important to you. But unfortunately there are no guarantees that they will ever do this. I guess I'm a bit concerned that it seems like you're putting your mental health in their hands, in wanting that apology. Are you working on your trauma in other ways as well?

Thanks Seychelle, never thought about it like that before.

I seem to be stuck on the same though .. that I need them to say 'yes it happened' - probably because I need my memory of it to be validated. I probably need my very 'existence' validated too - I feel and have felt invisible to them all my life. Now I am putting my life together, I have a fiance and a future to look forward to, cutting off my family now means that I won't be able to prove my worth to them - oh shucks .... these are new thoughts to me - the roots ... so that is it, I need to prove my worth to them ... Like I need them to see 'me', validate 'me' ..... because the abuse did the opposite, it devalued me, made me invisible to them.

oh ... wow ... I think I just got unstuck.

Thanks Seychelle.

 

[ladybug08]

Health in their hands? Apologize from your family? Over the past few days I have been going over and over if my parents will ever change...I know...I know... the only person I can change is me...in looking on the bully website I came across a web site regarding Narcissistic Personality Disorder. I cannot believe the things that I read. It was a carbon copy of my life living in chaos. Have any of you discovered that your parents may have a personality disorder?

I have mentioned before that my mother may have some sort of personality disorder, but this web site really proves it.

 

[sunnydaze]

cutting off family

Originally Posted by shiraz

They seemed to care more for others than for their own. And then of course, the pretense - looking like a model family from the outside - and hiding such darkness within.

My family was the same way. It seemed they cared more for others than their own. We use to get our clothes taken away from us before we outgrew them. They said other families needed them more. These families eventually built brand new homes. What does that tell you? When the shocking truth came out of abuse in all ways people were stunned, they had no idea what happened behind closed doors.
sunnydaze

 

[Grama-Herc]

OK GUYS! I've read and re read this thread and watched it grow! I was not going to respond but after what I have been going through over the past few days, I feel the need to speak.

I am "the lousy parent". I had a toxic affect on my child that she will never recover from. She cut me out of her life for 12 or 13 years, and had every right to do it!. I can tell you that a day never passed without me wonderingwhere she was, worrying if she was even still alive, but most of all praying for her. The guilt I felt was overwhelming and it has taken a lot of therapy to help me not only see what I did wrong but why I did it.

I finally got to the point where I accepted that I would not ever see her or hear from her. This does not mean I liked the situation. I spent many, many years in the bowels of hell trying to forget. Didn't work! The only thing that helped me was accepting the fact> She was gone!

One thing that you need to remember is that parents are not perfect. They are flawed human beings who screw up. Some worse than others. This does not mean that they don't love you. Until I got therapy and somewhat balanced in my life and on my meds, I truely thought that what I had done was "not that bad." I now know that I was a very toxic parent. Can I change that fact? NO! Can I make up for what I did? NO!
Can I apologize for my actions? YES!

I have been blessed because my child had a child and that had a very positive affect on her. It showed her that even though I was a major screw up as a parent it did not mean that I did not love her. We are in the process of mending our bond and I hope it will last. She has asked "ME" to forgive her for cutting me out of her life. That surprised me! We are talking, she is here now for my 1st visit with my granddaughter and things seem to be going OK, I think!

If I could say one thing to all of you who have cut your parents out of your lifes, it would be to remember "1" thing. In their mind they did the best they could. That does not in any way make their actions right. But they did do the best they could with what they had to work with.

I sincerely hope that in some small way this will help one of you understand your parent(s).

 

[void]

Grama-Herc,

With respect, BULLF##KINGSH#T!!!!!!!!!!

You do NOT know my parents and have no idea what they did. My shrink says my childhood was like a concentration camp and she is a trauma expert. Roo was trained by her parents to ask for a beating when she was 4. Did her parents do the "best they could"? Did mine? How about Brokenchild whose parents sold her and watch her being raped while they counted their money? The "best they could" my ass.

We all have to face the fact that the world has predators and psychopaths in it. These sadistic f##ks weren't doing the "best they could" they were doing the worst they could and we pay the price. These people do not deserve our understanding they deserve our wrath. My mother deserves to be in prison as she objectively violated our nations laws in her treatment of my sister and I.

My head is now pounding and I am going to curl up in the dark.

Disclaimer: I do respect you and do not wish to be offensive and I am very please to hear that your relationship with your daughter is healing. I hope that you find peace for yourself as I have read your posts and know that you have suffered greatly.

Void