Cutting Ties With Toxic Family

[Philippa]

Hi, I'm brand new here but have followed this thread with extreme interest. I was just wondering how many people here who have managed to cut off toxic family members actually told their family they were doing so, or did they just stop being in contact without saying why. The reason why I'm asking is because I've been considering it, but know that to announce it would just bring an heap of jeering and insults, with the claim of how ridiculous I am. I really don't want anymore pain.

That was my fear as well. I intended to speak to them about why, as I have always conducted myself this way and think it's important in communication, so the person understands what they have done.

In my parents case, I did confront them about certain behavior and did a lot of transformational work on myself, for many years, and there were results I was starting to see in the way they treated me, or my father anyway, but it still wasn't enough to stop his basic disrespect for my boundaries, and every time I tried to write him a letter to explain how his behavior made me feel, it was not read. He would ridicule anything I tried to say, so in the end I just kinda stopped calling, and avoiding answering their calls and interacting with them all together.

No amount of communicating seemed to really get through to them, and maybe I was not the most effective communicator either, but I found I could not build my confidence and boundary setting skills until I got away from all people who brought me down.

I would still like to be able to go back some day, with new skills and support in setting boundaries, and have a relationship that is based on my terms, not just theirs...but it doesn't seem to be something realistic right now.

I basically told my father to go f*ck himself and that we're done in my last email. I would have liked to have said it to his face, as I hate the way emails can be used these days as a way for the person to chicken out of face to face confrontation...but I got to the point where he had disrespected me so many times that I felt he really didn't deserve the respect of face to face confrontation...and I really didn't want to see him at all, so I settled for emails. What else can I do when he won't listen to me, read hand-written letters or hear anything I have to say?

 

[Philippa]

Hi-
the possibility of a house call and what might come of it, would have me so anxious I wouldn't be able to function.

This preyed on my mind for a while as well, once I had actually made the cut. he never turned up at my door though. It's been a year since I last spoke to him (father) and I haven't been bothered once by unwelcome visits. He doesn't know where I live though, but I did wonder if he would go to the extent of hiring a private detective to trace me. I left no forwarding address, and did not register my new address at banks or anywhere (not that they are allowed to give out that information anyway). I changed my phone and SIM card (eventually) and literally could not call them now even if I wanted to. I actually saw my brother on the train yesterday on my way to work. He walked right past me and didn't recognise me. I changed my hair color, my name, phone number, everything. I didn't call out to him...which I felt bad about later. He sat a few seats in front of me and I found myself squatting down to pretend to look for something in my bag, so he wouldn't see me. He has been the prime instigator of shaming me for not speaking to my parents, and is the meanest in my family unit. I avoid him if I can, but it's always on my mind that he might be on the train when I go to work...and that came about yesterday.

I'm the scapegoat who knows the truth, is aware of it and wanted so many times to resolve certain things, but no one else wants that. It took numerous "head bangs against the wall" to realize that no one sees what's really up and they've all labeled me as the problem. If I'd just let it go, stop living in the past, everything would be OK.

Yes, this sounds all too familiar. This is my own story as well.

My siblings: I basically fear them. I never know what I'm gonna get and they are somewhat unpredictable in their moods.

Yes, I have received some pretty harsh words from both my brothers, so I actively avoid their company.

I thought that telling them all might be the right thing to do and relieve me of the anxiety surrounding it all. But knowing the somewhat violent reactions I've gotten, my judgment is to keep quiet and go my way without them even knowing what I'm doing.

Self-protection isn't a bad thing. I felt bad about it as well, and wanted to be more face to face about it...but that didn't seem to yield any results either. Walking away was the most effective way of going about it, even if I did feel like a bit of a coward.

I'm sure they will figure it out once they don't get responses from me anymore. But I'd be lucky to receive only jeering insults and not a knock and a visit at my door to beat me up about it.

Is there anyway you can move and not leave a forwarding address, or are you pretty established where you live right now?

 

[Philippa]

One thing I've been wondering about is the pictures. What do I do with all the pictures I have of my family and me together? I went through the house a few years ago and took them all down from being displayed. But I still have them all in a bin.

I've kept all my photos out of view. I don't display them, and I have wondered what friends might say if I invite them over and they notice I have no family photos anywhere. That would seem strange to most people I think and I don't want to draw any attention to it...so maybe I will display them when friends come over and then take them down afterwards...though that seems a little contrived? Hmmm. Out of sight out of mind seems to work well for me. When I catch a glimpse of a photo I get quite emotional, so I've tried not to go there.

 

[safirefalcon]

Hi Phillipa, thanks for the responses.

I wouldn't say I'm established exactly. But financially I am not able to move at present.

My fears may very well be for naught once it's all said and done. I feel that if I go through the motions that need to be gone through, I am actually safer in the long run. I think my fear of a visit comes from a specific incident when my bro showed up after I had verbalized significantly in an email. The whole thing was scary as he was furious and barked down my throat as he stood over me while I was sitting in a chair.

The messed up thing is, he suggested I walk away from my father a while after that and I didn't take the opportunity then. Fear of judgment, guilt and then there's that sense of obligation too, plus shame since his feelings were of the type that thinks "It wasn't that bad."

So he's the one I'm mostly afraid of paying the house call with that sort of thing.

I expect is my mom trying to insert herself into the whole thing. That usually gets instigated by my sis. Sis has an issue with me (that's all my fault because I'm difficult of course) and calls my mom to tell her all about it. Mom takes her side and calls me to tell me how I need to step up, not be so selfish, blah blah, woof woof.

And I relent. Patterns, patterns. So she'll be included in the no contact no response as well.

And I'm wise enough to know the fear of and the feeling of being responsible for everone's feelings, without regard to my own, won't stop. It's something I'm stuck in but I am too scared of their reactions. Plus I freeze when the situation calls for me to stick up for myself.

My family members are pretty busy with their own lives. So I'm hoping that once the business at hand is finished, it won't exactly go unnoticed, but I won't be bothered. That's a long answer for no, I can't move right now. :cry:

There's so much involved right now. I don't feel safe in their immediate presence but at the same time it's not safe to walk away yet either. Talk about a catch-22. But things are winding down I think and things are getting wrapped up. So it shouldn't be too long before I can just stop showing up in their lives.

 

[safirefalcon]

And yes, Phillipa, I get emotional too when I look at pics. Thing is there were some good times. And my dad had a great smile. But there is so much more behind the curtain and I think about what could've been and I think that's where the grief/sadness really comes in.

If things had been different and all that. Also, there's the little girl that was me in many pics and all the possibilities I had in front of me when those pics were taken. And the feeling of all those possibilities having been ripped from me...it's excruciating to think about that.

I don't think I'd bother with putting them up for visitors. Anyone who is welcome in my house will be close enough to me to know why I wouldn't display pics of family members. But all that stuff just sitting in a bin, possibly never to be looked at (by me) again.

Sometimes I just have to ask, (except for all the pet pics) "Why bother keeping them?"

 

[safirefalcon]

:oops: Sorry Philippa. I spelled your name wrong and I just realized that. Will be sure to not do that in the future. :)

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I was just wondering how many people here who have managed to cut off toxic family members actually told their family they were doing so, or did they just stop being in contact without saying why.

In my experience, just walk away. Telling people ALWAYS means a fight of some sort. Yes, they'll call, write, send smoke signals, etc, but it's less emotional on your part.

 

[LeftRight]

In my experience, just walk away. Telling people ALWAYS means a fight of some sort. Yes, they'll call, write, send smoke signals, etc, but it's less emotional on your part.

Yeah, I tend to agree. The fight in my case, won't be a fight, just a barrage of insults. They've altready rationaized their behavior and are finding ways to twist it all into being my fault. It's my character defects, my being "overly sensitive or "overly emotional." Btw, those terms are quite common among abusers.

 

[Philippa]

:oops: Sorry Philippa. I spelled your name wrong and I just realized that. Will be sure to not do that in the future. :)

Please don't worry about it. I didn't even notice until I read this. :)

 

[Philippa]

Hi Phillipa, thanks for the responses.

I wouldn't say I'm established exactly. But financially I am not able to move at present.

I see.

I think my fear of a visit comes from a specific incident when my bro showed up after I had verbalized significantly in an email. The whole thing was scary as he was furious and barked down my throat as he stood over me while I was sitting in a chair.

Oh, I've had that happen with my own brother. It was kinda funny as I had this instinct to reach up with my hand and push his face out of my personal space...so I did. :D He didn't like that...and called me a bitch as he left the club we were in. My friend thought it was so funny and she said "she still has life in her after all."

The messed up thing is, he suggested I walk away from my father a while after that and I didn't take the opportunity then. Fear of judgment, guilt and then there's that sense of obligation too, plus shame since his feelings were of the type that thinks "It wasn't that bad."

That sounds hard.

So he's the one I'm mostly afraid of paying the house call with that sort of thing.

Yes, brothers can be menacing.

I expect is my mom trying to insert herself into the whole thing. That usually gets instigated by my sis. Sis has an issue with me (that's all my fault because I'm difficult of course) and calls my mom to tell her all about it. Mom takes her side and calls me to tell me how I need to step up, not be so selfish, blah blah, woof woof.

I've had both brothers deal me dishes of shaming at separate times. It felt like my mother had spoken to them. They go on about me holding onto past things, even though I am trying to move through it, but they won't let me by denying any part to play. Then they turn around and start bringing up things that happened 10 years ago, that she still hasn't gotten over, basically doing the same thing. Then telling me I'm ungrateful whenever I don't go along with something they want me to do. It's nutty.

And I'm wise enough to know the fear of and the feeling of being responsible for everone's feelings, without regard to my own, won't stop. It's something I'm stuck in but I am too scared of their reactions. Plus I freeze when the situation calls for me to stick up for myself.

Yes, that's a hard one to break out of, and learning to speak your truth and speak up when you need to...not easy. Not at all. It can be done though, and it just takes practise and time to form a new habit.

My family members are pretty busy with their own lives. So I'm hoping that once the business at hand is finished, it won't exactly go unnoticed, but I won't be bothered.

That's pretty much the same thing for me. Everyone's working so much anyway, and only call now and then, when they can.

That's a long answer for no, I can't move right now. :cry:

Sorry to hear, man.

There's so much involved right now. I don't feel safe in their immediate presence but at the same time it's not safe to walk away yet either. Talk about a catch-22. But things are winding down I think and things are getting wrapped up. So it shouldn't be too long before I can just stop showing up in their lives.

I think I know that feeling. It's a weird thing to feel that all fade away. It happened a few times to me and I had real trouble wanting to give it up. I got this panicky feeling when I realized I couldn't picture how my father looked, and the sense that they're just gone. He even said to me before we stopped talking, that it felt like I was dead, and I was. The person he knew was dead, but he didn't really know her to start with. He had a totally fantasy idea of who I was and always underestimated me, and I grew to underestimate myself as I got older.

It was a totally painful process shedding all that.

 

[safirefalcon]

Wow Philippa, thanks for all that. Sometimes, I don't know what a particular feeling is until someone articulates it to me and you've just done this in your reply. SHAME! That's what it is and although it's enlightening and it's the truth there is definitely mixed emotions on that.

I am relieved to have a word for what has gone on there, but at the same time it's infuriating that they would do that to me. I am envious of those who are on the other side of this and have made their break. I am just wanting to be there too.

I guess writing about specific things will help, I'm working on the courage now to start a diary. I want to make it honest and I'm no angel either. My depression was so bad when I was younger I used to have outbursts. So I know I've been abusive myself.

However, that table has completely turned around around with my family and I'm now hiding under it.

 

[ProOptimist]

Hi all,

Been following this forum for the last two days (Thanks @Pencil) and it has been completely eye-opening.

For one, it is a relief to see that so many of you have made that decision to remove the toxc people and that you are still people, and souls, and still trying.

Secondly, it has made me aware of certain aspects/situations within my family that I had always just assumed were my fault. I had never once seen the guilt and the way I felt around them as anything else but my fault. Now, I'm not handing over all responsibility and making them the scapegoat, but maybe it's time I realise that not everything should be placed on my shoulders. They have had a hand in things too.

After receiving a pretty hateful email from my Mom after my Sunday meltdown, where I told her of my therapy and PSTD and suicidal thoughts (Which she called 'Soul-destroying,") I have heard NOTHING from my family. Not a phonecall or a message- not even smoke signals. And the weird point to that is that I feel guilty- guilty for burdening them with this, guilty for making the relationship even more strained, guilty that I feel the way I do. And I know I would forgive them in a heartbeat if I even heard one 'sorry.'

Last interesting thought in my head is that of abandonment. My therapist has pointed out to me that I have severe abandonment issues (A common thing I'm seeing on this site?) Tonight, I remembered a time in my teens, that I haven't thought of in years, but which is now made me angry. When my Mom was dating, and living with, an abusive man who threatened to rape me, beat up my brother and kill my grandfather, I moved out and lived with a friend's family (I was 17) She stood by him and supported him, and only when he eventually did something so bad (I can't remember what) was I allowed back home- not that I was ever asked, come to think of it. And I went- because I didn't want to be that bad daughter who abandoned her Mother, and I no longer wanted to be the 'problem.' I sat by her bed while she cried and sobbed and supported my family financially for a while. I realise now that I may have been over-compensating for her abandoning me- I never wanted her to hurt or feel the pain of abandonment, so I did my all to prove that I was a good person, a bigger person, by forgiving her and never abandoning her.

As I said, this is the first time I have ever really thought of my family in this light, instead of me, so all this is pretty new to me, and may not even be on the right track here.