Relationship " Daddy Said I Am A Fxxxing Idiot "

[Sunshine71]

Dear super people.

By the time I had paid in the shop and got into the car our 5 year old son as crying his eyes out.

"Daddy said I am a FXXXing idiot"

Now hubby said that this was completely untrue he did not say this.

My son was really crying and shouted "You are a liar daddy you did say that"

I am SO careful with how I talk to my son - always postive words and would NEVER swear.

How can I deal with this?

I am really gutted. Hubby is on a big downer tonight and if I leave it too long will it be too late?

I have been dealing with such hell from my hubbies PTSD for over 2 years - and over the past 10 years when things flared up from time to time. Nothing like now - its hell on a daily basis and I am gratful for a little respite. I am supporting him thinking that he wants to get better and perhaps get the symptoms under control.

I cant have this though.

Please help - I welcome your advice.

With thanks Sunshine

 

[Iwanttolovehim]

Hey Sunshine!

I'm sorry your lil man had to go through that! It's not fair and was completely uncalled for! I was given a piece of advice on here once about how my spouse was speaking to me. Now I am not a 5 yr old but I do have a boy the same age and if I were you I would set out a very specific boundary: You will not curse at, or in front of our child because your anger has nothing to do with nor is caused by him.

Your husband needs to take responsibility for his emotions! He has to own them and know that what he says and feels directly effects those around him!

I know that its totally easier said than done! But boundaries are one of the number one guidlines when dealing with PTSD, otherwise we get lost and caught up in our own stuff!

 

[Abrasky]

Responsive parenting 5 Building a child's positive self image by Saf Lerman. My psychologist bought me a copy she thought of it so highly of this book and series. It teaches about correcting behavior and not using labels. Try to get a copy and make your husband read it. The fact that he lied about it in front of the child is particularly worrying though. It cost me $2.50 second hand on amazon to get other books in the series.

 

[Eleanor]

Not much to add to what Iwanttolovehim wrote. This is a boundary issue, without a doubt. That is verbal abuse, and can't go on. So sorry for you all, and especially the five year old. Their hearts are so tender... :( So sorry Sunshine, from my heart to yours... be strong and wise and brave.

 

[amethist]

Hi Sunshine

He crossed the line big style there, no matter what he says. A 5 year old would not lie about that, and should not hear it from anyone.

My husband swears like a biker at times, but is pulled up sharply if he slips up in front of our grandchildren, or any child, though it has only happened on a few occasions, which shook when I told him. He did apologize, and even our 6 year old granddaughter told him off last time. Which made him realize that he had to be careful from then on.

Maybe ask him how he would feel if he heard someone else do it in front of his son, may make him think first next time.

Amethist

 

[Sunshine71]

Thanks so much everyone - and Maze I will get this book too.

Hubby feels very down today - we are going to see a new psychiatrist (NHS) so hoping this will help.

I asked him again today and he said that he DID NOT say that at all. A very horrible situation as I dont know who to believe although my son is VERY honest.

Thank you again for your support and feedback.

Sunshine

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Sunshine, first of all- let us look at motivation. Your son is 5. Why would your 5 year old accuse a grown man, his father no less, of saying something like that? And it is not like a slip up of bad language in front of your son, in reality while wrong is not too damaging. Until the child repeats it- but still, that is embarrassing, not damaging. But directing that kind of language and insult at a 5 year old? And then judging by your sons reaction, is your 5 year old even capable of making that up and then genuinely reacting to it?

I asked him again today and he said that he DID NOT say that at all. A very horrible situation as I dont know who to believe although my son is VERY honest.

I think (just my opinion) you are trying to rationalize this thing that happened, that was said. And you can by no means ever rationalize or justify the abuse of a child. PTSD or not.

Nicolette started an interesting thread and I think you may benefit from looking at it:

[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/threads/the-choices-you-have-in-a-relationship-as-a-supporter.22073/[/DLMURL]

 

[Sunshine71]

Brilliant simplekindofgirl - thank you for telling me about that super thread - it has really helped.

I agree with all what you have said - I am GUTTED that the words were directed at my little boy - would my hubby tell me a barefaced lie??? Would PTSD make you lie?

We have always been VERY honest.

I am so tired and cant even work now. Hubby is laying down on the bed - Its just 10am and as I am trying to work in the next room it is making me ill.

Thank you everyone.

Sunshine

 

[simplekindofgirl]

Sunshine- PTSD will cause you to do all kinds of things that you had never been capable of doing (or feeling, or being) before. Giving your husband the benefit of the doubt here, it is likely that he said it and doesn't want to admit that he was capable of saying it. Denial in a sense. If he denies that he said it, maybe he can even convince himself. It is easier to do this than it is to admit to it. Admitting the fault to you would be an admission to himself. Or, maybe he is just lying in order to protect himself, to keep you from leaving or giving that ultimatum or __________ (fill in the blank with what you feel is the cause).

Myself, when my ex-husband (PTSD sufferer) started to display and direct such behavior towards the children and not just at myself, that was the clearly drawn line being crossed. He could say or do whatever he needed to if it was directed at me, right or wrong. I was a grown woman and I made the choice to take it. But when it crossed that line of directing his anger, insults and vile language on the kids- well, do not mess with the mama lions cubs. I took the kids, and we left him. I am not suggesting that this is what you do, I am just saying, this is what I did at the time. My standards for myself are one thing, my expectations and standards for my children are another. I can not allow my children to be subject to any abuse which may cause them to suffer, because I know how it feels to suffer. I know what it is like, and I do not want them to feel a moments worth of the pain of what PTSD causes. For me, it was worth it to leave and lose the marriage rather than save the marriage and lose the kids (to PTSD).

But that again is just me and my thoughts on it.

 

[Sunshine71]

Thank you to everyone who has commented on this. We have not had a repeat performance although hubby just seems to always be cross with our son. I know he is a trigger and hope that it can and will get better.

I spent all day trying to sort things out after another slump at that started last night.

So some me time going through this amazing forum ....x

 

[19DLvr]

Is it possible he doesn't remember the outburst? Not to change the subject, but my guy doesn't remember half the things he says whether calm or raging. Then again my man doesn't use any tools and rarely goes to counseling lately.

 

[Sunshine71]

A good point 19Dlvr - However I think it just happened too quickly - within 3 minutes...... Something to think about however.....

I am sorry to hear that your man doesn't continue with the tools - I know my hubby finds it impossible sometimes too - although we still continue to get help....

If he didnt want to contiue I dont know how I would cope at all :O(

Wishing you all the best 19DLvr

Sunshine x