Darkness Calls...

[Jyar]

I spent most of today working and training on a solid foundation on my new career. Then came the long ride home. I started to think about the past. Some of the mistakes I've made along the way. The blunders and legal troubles. I was listening to my music, no one band in particular so much as a playlist. I grew even more depressed as the notes formed into songs. I could feel why certain chords were plucked, I felt Big Empty. Than I felt the darkness take hold, I was numb. Tired & numb. I tried to focus, changed the music, even put on a podcast to cheer me up. Nothing worked. I've been stuck in the darkness ever since. Darkness has taken hold of me tonight and I'm too tired to deal with it. I'm going to pop a Geodon and bask in the cold embrace of darknesses and forget this day ever happened.

 

[Jyar]

It has been a troubling and draining past few days.
I find myself questioning things I haven't really ever questioned before. The training for my position is quite extensive and leaves me emotionless and drained by days end.

I come home, now that roles have reversed, I hope that my home is cleaned as I made sure was done all but a few times. Now I find myself coming home popping an extra diazepam just to make it through the evening, as I am cooking cleaning and straightening up the house, doing laundry all while staying up late to study for work. I'm exhausted and talking to my SO about it just starts a fight.

I miss family during the day, but I end up depressed, irritated, & angry when I get home because literally nothing has been done. It's triggering nightmares and flashbacks. To make matters worse I'm still not sure how I made it home from work today.

 

[Jyar]

It's been just about a week since I last posted. It has been a rough week at that. Mentally draining and physically tasking. And I'm about to loose my insurance so this will be my only treatment.

I just cut loose three people. Nay they were friends, one was just a friend always had been nothing more than a friend. One a former lover, we had worked pasted all the hard feelings and moved on to become friends with similar circumstances. She has children older than mine so she's been through it all already.

The last was a very close personal friend. At one point there may have been a flame between us but it flickered out even before it was ever really lit.
This one was the hardest to let go of. Through all the ups and downs, as mad as we've been at each other over the years we've always had a past so deep and rich in memory that it is a death to me. And on her birthday weekend during which her boyfriend of 6 years finally popped the question. I was looking forward to the day we could vacation as couples her and her husband & my wife and I. No more. That plan is gone now.

I have just officially dumped three friends for my wife to feel better. She (my wife) a Navy brat never stayed in one place long enough to form the bonds that others learn how to form. I don't blame her I just wish she could understand my side. Yes, in essence they are women & I a married man. For nay-Sayers and Nare-Do-wells I should not be speaking to them, for again I am married.

Then there is my side. Yes they are women. They have a vagina and breasts as opposed to a penis and testicles. I don't look at it in that light however. What I see, are friends, nothing more. People whom I have shared life experiences with. Nothing personal or intimate, just life.

Regardless to how I feel, I have decided to act for love and not friendship.

Here is my final goodbye to my friends:

"Ladies,

It has been brought to my attention that our friendships are bothersome to a tipping point. We have all shared many a laugh and even a shed few tears together. None-the- less, here where the sun sets into the ocean is where our friendships must end.

I bid you all a very found farewell. Know that I am doing this not out of spite or influence of others, I am instead I'm doing this for love.
Goodbye my friends I wish you all the best for you and yours.

Respectfully,
Jeremy"

 

[Jyar]

I have betrayed myself. 40mgs of Valium and I still feel like scum.

 

[Jyar]

It has been a rough several weeks since I last posted. I haven't had my meds for about 6 weeks and I do notice a huge difference. I was doing better and now I am not. I didn't stop taking them because I wanted to, no insurance and those things are expensive. I am hoping to be hired on permanently so I can start seeing my therapists again and restart my meds. Until then I just manage everything the way I used to. One does what one must.

 

[quic]

Sorry to hear that. I hope a new job comes through for you. Until then there a lot of online (free) resources that can help you self manage your condition. You might look into mildfulness meditation.

 

[ms spock]

I hope that you get work soon so you can get the assistance that you need.