Relationship Dating A Man With Ptsd... And I'm The Trigger. What Do I Do?

[Greweama]

Okay I'll start with the beginning. I met a man online January 2014, but the end of the month we were completely falling for eachother and made our relationship official. Only thing is we still hadn't met, or gone on a date. He has PTSD, and I knew this. His sons mother died during childbirth, and he held her while she passed. Then his best friend died in a wreck, and he held him while he passed as well. Now he tells me he sees blood all the time when he thinks about those things. We dated for about six months, but when he lost custody of his son to the grandparents his disorder got worse and tension grew in our relationship, and we ended up breaking up. Six months later, he came to terms with what was happening, and we decided to try again. We've been back together 3 months now. The only thing is, he has never come to see me, or taken me on a date. He wont let me meet him, and when we did make plans he stood me up. It took me a while, but I finally found out why. I'm a trigger for him. Every time he tries to see me, he just thinks about his sons mom dying, and has a panic attack. He said he's terrified of having anymore children now, and the people he loves most always die in front of his eyes. And he told me he's never loved anyone more then me in his life, so its worse for him. I'm just at a point where I'm at a loss. I love this man with ever part of my being, but I'm at a point where I want to move forward in our relationship. But how can I if just the idea of seeing me puts him in the hospital? I hate it that I cause him pain. Breaking up isn't an option. I would love some advise on what I can do to help him get over this, so we can finally more forward in our relationship and be together.

 

[darrenS]

...you say you love this man , but you've never met him ? its easy to conduct a relationship on line as there is no true accountability or responsibility, you can say what you like and be who you like. You say he wont let you meet him...dosent this worry you , he then tells you his trauma as and what not , but he still wont meet , you then get put in the trigger department and still you think things are "normal". Have you ever read back to yourself what you wrote ?

How can you profess such love , when all your facing is chaotic reactions and reasons - seriously , why would you want such an unhealthy relationship, it sounds like youd be more a nurse than a partner and again you havent met him ?.

I actually get quite annoyed when i see post like this , because quite honestly ....it is not a relationship...its a sickness , it sounds like you both need the word relationship and thats all, seriously this is not a romeo and juliet situation. This guy needs serious professional help and the last thing he needs is a willing muse for all his reactions and traumas ...seriously take a good look at yourself and ask yourself why you need this so much , this is not love...its a sick dependency and my advice to you would be ...seek help for yourself - you cannot help him through this...his reactions require serious professional intervention

 

[Greweama]

I am not looking for people to judge me or my relationship from this site. I am looking for sound advise on how to help him. Yes I love him. Eventhough we haven't met, he has done more for me then any person in my life. I am best friends with his sister, and he's close to my family. You don't have to meet somebody to fall in love. I know many people who fall in love, then meet later. I want to get to the point where we have an actual relationship, and not one over the phone and Skype. And he is seeking help. I'm just trying to see what other people suggest I do. And I will not leave him just because he's sick. I'm not that kind of woman. I stick by the ones I love when they need me, and I do not give up on them. He is in no way abusive or disrespectful. He's always done the best he can and he is trying. And you want me to leave him for that? I don't want judgment, and I did not come here for it. Now if anyone else decides to judge, or feels the need to point out that they unapproved of my relationship, just keep your thoughts to yourself. I'm in it, you aren't. I'm perfectly aware what's going on, this is not my first rodeo. I came here looking for help, not criticism.

 

[darrenS]

there is no sound advice..your dealing with a serious mental illness and its not like you sprinkle some pixie dust and its all fixed, if you dont want peoples advice...dont ask for it.

 

[Greweama]

But what you said was very rude, disrespectful, and judgmental. That is completely different from advise, and I'm not looking for that. You could've very easily said there was not much I could do. That I couldn't help him, only he could. Or something like that. That I would've appreciated. I did not come here to get attacked because of my relationship

 

[Jeffbecauseisaid]

I'm not the best source, but it sounds like you need some patience. Y'all have been together a total of 9 months if you think about it. Though y'all have known eachother over a year by the sound of it. Give it times. You say he's trying, so that's a good sign, he's not all together avoiding you. And if he's getting help that's good too. A lot of stuff gets better in time. It takes a lot of understanding and patience to date someone with PTSD. But with help it can be overcome and y'all can move forward. Just don't pressure him, because that can make things worse.

 

[darrenS]

But what you said was very rude, disrespectful, and judgmental

It was honest open and too the point....

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

@Greweama (interesting name btw) .. him SAYING you're a trigger and you actually BEING a trigger are possibly two different things .. I read your post cuz I feel like I'm a trigger for my man, too. Sometimes that's legit - sometimes it's my own insecurities getting the best of me - sometimes he's just being an a$$ .. ;)

Perhaps @darrenS was a little blunt (that's pretty in keeping with the culture here, btw), BUT, I have also been to/in the rodeo with online relationships - and now that I've been with my man for so many years, I look back on my past "relationships" particularly online, never met face to face kinda "relationships," as more about me than the guy I was fancying myself in love with. I think I was more "in love with the idea of being in love" AND because I had some serious self-loathing issues, I felt "safer" but in fact the whole thing was pretty unhealthy. So please don't dismiss the criticism just cuz it smarts and stings a little ...In my experience, online dating is a GREAT tool, and yes, it can work, BUT it also should move pretty quickly into "real life" or both parties tend to depend more on their imagination than seeing things realistically ...

I'm concerned that him saying "everything he loves dies" could be a sign of a SERIOUS problem with his own stability and/or maturity .. Please use caution! and as @jeffbecauseisaid said, it takes a LOT of patience .. relationships in the BEST of conditions do, so "months" versus "years" could be a significant indicator, but ESPECIALLY if something as serious as PTSD is in the mix, that all the MORE requires time just to see life-conditions and natural seasons unfold so you can see how you and he handle what life throws your way ...

Hoping the best for ya :)

~S2B

 

[Anggggie80]

I really don't know anything about PTSD so this could be bad advise, but maybe have you thought about taking a break until he can see you? Take the pressure off things until he's ready? Just food for thought. Not sure how a PTSD victim would take that though

 

[Greweama]

Well to be completely honest @ptsdspouse2b his sister is the one who tells me I'm his trigger lol. I should've clarified that a little better earlier. He's never said it himself. And I've thought about the idea of suggesting we just be friends until he can actually be with me, but I don't want him to feel like I'm giving up on him, so I'm still kinda on the fence about it. And I'm not sure if it's me personally, or the idea of getting that close to someone again that sets him off. I'm still trying to learn more about it, he's my first encounter with the disorder. And he never shows any other symptoms such as mood swings or drinking and he never lashes out at me. The only time he gets upset is when I try to talk to him about what happened, and about his PTSD

 

[Nam]

Is he in therapy? He needs to be. If it were me, I'd make that a serious point.

I was thinking on the same lines as darren. I think this is risky...for you. He is obviously hurting. Even if he did fall in love with you now, once he heals, he may not feel the same. PTSD really messes with your mind, self-esteem and attitude toward life. Do I think that PTSD relationships work? Yes. I'm in one. A successful one. Buuuut, he knew me before. We had a huge foundation. This is not the case with you.

Please be very cautious. I'm glad to hear that his sister is in contact with you so she can collaborate his story? Make sure he's telling the truth? I'm sorry if that sounds offensive...but I am very wary of anyone that talks but doesn't want to meet. It makes me think the two identities are not the same.

I don't any other advise then for him to get into therapy. If he's not willing to meet you, there's not much you can do.

If you truly love this man, I wish you luck. Love is a powerful thing. Please tread cautiously.

 

[GWhizz]

@Greweama, I'm going to put it a little bluntly too, so I apologise in advance, but aren't you already 'just friends' if you haven't ever met or had a real romantic relationship? It's just that there is a difference between friendship and a romantic relationship and right now, from what you've shared, you appear as his friend and supporter. But hey, I don't know the ins and outs of it, nor do I have any experience of online relationships so I'm speaking out of naivety too.

The main thing that alarms me about his never actually following through on or feeling ready to meet you, is that you're living this relationship ruled by his ptsd. He needs to take the risk. There is a risk for us all that we will lose another loved one but we cannot allow it prevent us from living and taking risks. Why enter a relationship if afraid of losing someone? Is it easier for him to have an online relationship than a face-to-face one, because if he loses you but has never met you then the loss will be easier? Sorry, but I just don't get it. It sounds like a 'test' relationship. He can do this with you through a safe space. This may seem helpful, but longterm (months, years) it's allowing him hide in his comfort zone. If you are his trigger and he's currently having difficulty maintaining even a distant relationship with you, what are the real prospects that it will work when together for real?

You also say he has no moodswings. I hate to admit it, but when I'm alone I don't have the moodswings or blow-ups that I do when my partner is about. Not that these things cannot be worked through face-to-face. Just don't kidd yourself that they may never happen.

I wish I had more advice. I guess I just wanted to give my realistic opinion. But I totally get that no one else can understand your relationship as you when you're the one in it and clearly very invested in it.

I hope you work things out for the best, whatever happens.