Undiagnosed Definitely meet criteria for CPTSD, but scared of therapy

[BuildingSelf24]

I’ve been lurking here for maybe a week now but decided to bite the bullet and introduce myself. Guess I needed to canvas the place to make sure it’s safe.

My name is Kim. I’m 27.

I felt since I was kid that something was “wrong” with me. I wanted to be a psychiatrist starting in high school and was even premed in college. I think I was drawn to it to figure out what was going on with me. I worked on a mental health unit for a bit until my own symptoms really reared their head. Even taking psych classes and owning and reading the DSM-V didn’t make me realize what I was going through. I had intense emotional reactions, seeing and feeling red, voices, and dissociation. I would feel it on and off over the years but it got particularly bad just before the pandemic.

I was sexually assaulted as a kid by a cousin around the same age. His mom knew about it and just brushed it off. It doesn’t help that my family was really isolating and would hit me for any perceived slight to their ego. I’ve encountered so friends and partners that were exactly how my family was growing up, dismissive and uncaring about my needs.

I’m scared to go to therapy and get a diagnosis or just talk about everything. I went once previously and it felt like he was more concerned with his own thoughts than actually helping me. Now, I’m just avoidant of getting close to anyone. I’m most concerned about a therapist not really hearing me and about their own views on therapy and treatment. I know I need the help for my symptoms, particularly the dissociation. Falling asleep or blanking at work is not helpful. I just don’t think I’m there yet in terms of opening up to someone, even a professional.

Did anyone else feel the same like they couldn’t really reveal their emotional self?

 

[Riley Jones]

I’ve been lurking here for maybe a week now but decided to bite the bullet and introduce myself. Guess I needed to canvas the place to make sure it’s safe.

My name is Kim. I’m 27.

I felt since I was kid that something was “wrong” with me. I wanted to be a psychiatrist starting in high school and was even premed in college. I think I was drawn to it to figure out what was going on with me. I worked on a mental health unit for a bit until my own symptoms really reared their head. Even taking psych classes and owning and reading the DSM-V didn’t make me realize what I was going through. I had intense emotional reactions, seeing and feeling red, voices, and dissociation. I would feel it on and off over the years but it got particularly bad just before the pandemic.

I was sexually assaulted as a kid by a cousin around the same age. His mom knew about it and just brushed it off. It doesn’t help that my family was really isolating and would hit me for any perceived slight to their ego. I’ve encountered so friends and partners that were exactly how my family was growing up, dismissive and uncaring about my needs.

I’m scared to go to therapy and get a diagnosis or just talk about everything. I went once previously and it felt like he was more concerned with his own thoughts than actually helping me. Now, I’m just avoidant of getting close to anyone. I’m most concerned about a therapist not really hearing me and about their own views on therapy and treatment. I know I need the help for my symptoms, particularly the dissociation. Falling asleep or blanking at work is not helpful. I just don’t think I’m there yet in terms of opening up to someone, even a professional.

Did anyone else feel the same like they couldn’t really reveal their emotional self?

Dear Kim,

Thank you for taking the brave step to introduce yourself here. It's understandable that it took some time to feel comfortable reaching out. Your vulnerability and honesty are truly appreciated, and I want you to know that you are not alone in feeling the way you do.

Your journey and experiences resonate with many others who have walked a similar path. It's common for individuals with PTSD and CPTSD to struggle with disclosing their emotional selves, especially when past experiences have led to feelings of mistrust or fear of being invalidated. The fear of not being heard or understood by a therapist can feel daunting and act as a barrier to seeking help.

It's crucial to find a therapist who truly listens and prioritizes your needs during sessions. If you felt unheard in a previous therapy experience, it's okay to seek out a different therapist who aligns better with your communication style and therapeutic goals. Building a trusting therapeutic relationship is essential for healing and making progress in addressing your symptoms, including dissociation.

Please know that it's okay to take your time in opening up and that it's a process that can happen at your own pace. Here at myptsd.com, you are among a community of individuals who understand the challenges you are facing and are here to provide support and empathy along your journey to healing.

If and when you feel ready, exploring therapy and professional help can be a valuable step forward in managing your symptoms and finding healing from past traumas. Remember that you deserve care and support, and it's okay to prioritize your well-being.

Feel free to explore the forums on myptsd.com, where you can find specific topics related to PTSD and CPTSD that may resonate with you. Connecting with others who share similar experiences can provide a sense of validation and understanding.

You are brave, you are resilient, and you are deserving of healing. Your voice is important and valued here.

With compassion,
Riley Jones

 

[arfie]

hello kim. welcome to the limelight.

it's been 52 years since i scheduled my first therapy appointment. i went through some catastrophic life changes and was in the process of looking for a therapist in spring of 2020. you know what happened to THAT effort. . . four years later, i still haven't resumed that mission and i believe i am more anxious at the prospect than i was in 1972 when i scheduled that very first appointment.

yes, i have experienced that anxiety. up close and personal. alas, i also have the experience to know that the anxiety is not going to magically disappear of its own volition. while i continue gently nudging myself toward making that commitment, i am leaning heavily on my peer support network.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

hello kim. welcome to the limelight.

it's been 52 years since i scheduled my first therapy appointment. i went through some catastrophic life changes and was in the process of looking for a therapist in spring of 2020. you know what happened to THAT effort. . . four years later, i still haven't resumed that mission and i believe i am more anxious at the prospect than i was in 1972 when i scheduled that very first appointment.

yes, i have experienced that anxiety. up close and personal. alas, i also have the experience to know that the anxiety is not going to magically disappear of its own volition. while i continue gently nudging myself toward making that commitment, i am leaning heavily on my peer support network.

I guess I’m just waiting for the apprehension to lift a little bit. I have hefty walls around my emotional self. Opening up to others didn’t really make me feel any better in the past and in a lot of cases made things worse. It’s a conundrum. I know I need the support but at the same I can’t force myself to seek it either. The conflict itself is anxiety inducing. I guess I should try to break down the wall if I’m going to get anywhere. Easier said than done.

 

[Sideways]

Welcome to the forum.

It’s not easy to pluck up the courage to go to a T. But trying out a therapist is not the same as committing to therapy. You get to walk away if it’s not going to be helpful, or not right for you.

I guess it’s about weighing up whether the risk is worth it, given what you’re currently living with…

 

[Midnightmoon]

I guess I’m just waiting for the apprehension to lift a little bit. I have hefty walls around my emotional self. Opening up to others didn’t really make me feel any better in the past and in a lot of cases made things worse. It’s a conundrum. I know I need the support but at the same I can’t force myself to seek it either. The conflict itself is anxiety inducing. I guess I should try to break down the wall if I’m going to get anywhere. Easier said than done.

I think this is something that virtually all of us can identity with somewhere along a therapy process. That push pull, change is terrifying and whilst the current situation might feel awful there is a comfort and familiarity to at least you KNOW the discomfort. Therapy is a whole new ball game of learning and tolerating and eventually processing the stuff thats been squished down for however long it's lurked.

When I started I promised myself I'd turn up for 6 weeks, 6 weeks, and if I didn't feel better I'd walk.

Spoiler alert - I felt no better, I felt like my head had exploded with 'urgh', but I had enough logically trust in T to keep going. First step is always the hardest

 

[arfie]

I guess I’m just waiting for the apprehension to lift a little bit.

i try not to hold my breath while i wait for the apprehension to lift. suffocation guaranteed. i get further when i remind myself that courage is not the absence of fear. courage is action in the face of fear. stay brave, my healing warrior.

I have hefty walls around my emotional self.

i reinforced my walls with loose rolls of barbed wire surrounding a moat with fire breathing dragons to man the ramparts. alas, my fire breathing dragons got bored and turned on me when nobody was even trying to breach my perimeter. upon that awareness, my first wish was to have those defenses magically whisked away. here in my senior reverie, i am grateful that wish was denied. walls and boundaries are essential to a healthy life. slowly, gently replacing those hefty walls with gentler walls and boundaries has served me well. at least, that's my prayer and i'm sticking to it.

I know I need the support but at the same I can’t force myself to seek it either.

the times i have been able to force myself have been mostly disastrous. when the time is right, all the pieces will be there. be gentle with yourself and patient with the process.

"time has no meaning in the healing process." ~Algonquin proverb

Easier said than done.

amen, i say unto thee, amen.
another reminder to be gentle with yourself and patient with the process. itsy bitsy baby steps.

 

[Friday]

Fear? Is a useful emotion.

It lets us know 'something' is POSSIBLE.

A toilet falling from the sky (rare) or a paper cut (common)

Our MINDS? Take those fears and priorities/grade them.

"Therapy" with a witless incompetent? Harm. Someone GOOD at their job? Invaluable.

 

[Jewell]

I’ve been lurking here for maybe a week now but decided to bite the bullet and introduce myself. Guess I needed to canvas the place to make sure it’s safe.

My name is Kim. I’m 27.

I felt since I was kid that something was “wrong” with me. I wanted to be a psychiatrist starting in high school and was even premed in college. I think I was drawn to it to figure out what was going on with me. I worked on a mental health unit for a bit until my own symptoms really reared their head. Even taking psych classes and owning and reading the DSM-V didn’t make me realize what I was going through. I had intense emotional reactions, seeing and feeling red, voices, and dissociation. I would feel it on and off over the years but it got particularly bad just before the pandemic.

I was sexually assaulted as a kid by a cousin around the same age. His mom knew about it and just brushed it off. It doesn’t help that my family was really isolating and would hit me for any perceived slight to their ego. I’ve encountered so friends and partners that were exactly how my family was growing up, dismissive and uncaring about my needs.

I’m scared to go to therapy and get a diagnosis or just talk about everything. I went once previously and it felt like he was more concerned with his own thoughts than actually helping me. Now, I’m just avoidant of getting close to anyone. I’m most concerned about a therapist not really hearing me and about their own views on therapy and treatment. I know I need the help for my symptoms, particularly the dissociation. Falling asleep or blanking at work is not helpful. I just don’t think I’m there yet in terms of opening up to someone, even a professional.

Did anyone else feel the same like they couldn’t really reveal their emotional self?

I’m so glad you shared your story
That therapist was not helpful but not all are like that
Keep searching until you find one that LISTENS
Get the wounds out of you body by speaking about them and affirmations that you are not at fault

 

[BuildingSelf24]

Welcome to the forum.

It’s not easy to pluck up the courage to go to a T. But trying out a therapist is not the same as committing to therapy. You get to walk away if it’s not going to be helpful, or not right for you.

I guess it’s about weighing up whether the risk is worth it, given what you’re currently living with…

I forget that I don’t have to commit right away. I could ask for a consultation and ask questions to see if they’re a good fit. Somehow I forget that I can ask questions and don’t have to just accept whatever they say without my own input. Have this same problem with relationships with others in general

 

[BuildingSelf24]

I think this is something that virtually all of us can identity with somewhere along a therapy process. That push pull, change is terrifying and whilst the current situation might feel awful there is a comfort and familiarity to at least you KNOW the discomfort. Therapy is a whole new ball game of learning and tolerating and eventually processing the stuff thats been squished down for however long it's lurked.

When I started I promised myself I'd turn up for 6 weeks, 6 weeks, and if I didn't feel better I'd walk.

Spoiler alert - I felt no better, I felt like my head had exploded with 'urgh', but I had enough logically trust in T to keep going. First step is always the hardest

That’s really good to know. I hadn’t really thought about what would happen when actually getting therapy. That’s a whole new level of discomfort. Hopefully the good kind that will eventually lead to some kind of resolution. I should probably manage my expectations before I get disenchanted and quit before the breakthroughs.

 

[BuildingSelf24]

slowly, gently replacing those hefty walls with gentler walls and boundaries has served me well

That’s pretty good advice. I keep thinking I needing to let my walls down completely but it’s healthy not to trust others completely right away.

the times i have been able to force myself have been mostly disastrous.

I definitely relate to this. It’s kind of what I’m afraid of. I don’t want to force myself to do this and end up worse for wears. Then again if there’s anywhere I’m going to have a panic attack or emotional outburst, therapy would be the place. Lol

when the time is right, all the pieces will be there.

Yea. That’s something I have to remind myself. I always want to be “normal” and as high-functional as possible as soon as possible. The perfectionist in me wants things to be good like yesterday.