Depression Will Make Me A Better Person

[Super Radical]

I have recently come to realize while chatting with my BF that I put myself into situations that allow me to be depressed without healing. I wasn't realizing I was doing it until he said "You think that being depressed and doing nothing about it will turn you into a better person someday." I realize, now, I do that. I isolate myself from friends, for various reasons. I know that something might trigger some bad memory and mid chill sesh I'll switch from friend to shut down and numb couch pillow.

I've been spending years dwelling on my father beating me and my mom starting when I was 13. I'm 23 now. I know I need to integrate these memories in a healthy way, and I'm working on that by recalling memories and feelings through meditation, and using my new grown up brain to analyze them from the perspective of a 23 year old watching the 13 year old with empathy and forgiveness for all parties.

But I can't afford therapy so I'm in a catch 22 kind of. When I spend time alone I can work through my problems and meditate. In equal likelihood I can also slip into a deep cutting depression, where I can't function except the 8 hours at work where I put on my actress costume and play happy.

My question is, has anyone else experienced something like this after trauma? Like self isolation, and to some degree self abuse (by making yourself stay in depressed states without making an effort). This makes me feel guilty for the pain I've caused myself as well, it's a bad cycle. Or has anyone ever felt if they just stayed depressed long enough and had enough anxiety attacks that one day they'd be okay. That one day some magical universal power will come and say 'Okay, you're cool now' and make everything better.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

The "one day you'll magically be OK" thing doesn't really happen. Well, not to anyone I've come across!

What you describe is more common than you realize among trauma survivors. Many (all?) of us isolate at some point or another, and quite a few of us harm ourselves via cutting, drinking, drugs, etc.

I think it's important for forgiveness to start with ourselves. Realize that what you're doing is trying to cope with the pain, and while you may not have the best coping skills at this time, you're only doing what you know to ease the pain.

I urge you to keep up with the meditation. So many people quit, saying it doesn't do much, but it took me almost a year before I got to the point where I could quickly calm myself via meditative techniques. If you can't afford therapy, then perhaps you can gain coping skills by reading info here on the forum and reading books on PTSD. I have a ton of books on various types of therapy, and they've helped me so much. My current read is CBT for dummies and so far I've found it to be extremely helpful. There are other book recommendations here on the forum as well.

 

[cherryblossom]

Since you can't afford therapy, you might want to check out the following
[DLMURL]https://www.ptsdforum.org/c/attachments/one-page-ptsd-self-help-pdf.28049/[/DLMURL]