Relationship Desperate for understanding so i can get my ptsd under control

[Sweetpea76]

I’m confused as to the nature of his “affair”... you said they texted and had an “illicit relationship”? Or was he assaulted? Different situations, and they would get different reactions from me as a supporter.

Beware of excusing everything as PTSD. It’s a common supporter trap, and sometimes sufferers confronted with affairs use it as an excuse.

I’d question the texting personally. How dissociated was he if he could function enough to sneaky text behind his wife’s back?

Somebody who is cheating is quick to blame the “other person” as a seducer or trickster.... it’s their fault, not mine. I’m innocent.

I don’t blame you for questioning. Not everything is PTSD.

 

[Justmehere]

I’d question the texting personally. How dissociated was he if he could function enough to sneaky text behind his wife’s back?

Yeah. I’d personally even go even a step further and take the content of texts at face value. Dissociated or not. It’s still him.

Dissociation isn’t psychosis or insanity. One doesn’t lose a sense of what is morally right and wrong. Neither him nor the woman seems to be claiming he forgot was married and it wasn’t like he wandered off in a fudge state forgetting who he was... If he texted to reciprocate the advances, that changes things. Dissociated or not, he’s still responsible for doing that.

The possible fawning explanation (not excuse) for behavior is really fits what is said someone is in the middle of defending/escaping against possible imminent sexual assault. I’ve told a sociopath he was an amazing person in the middle of trying to escape a prolonged kidnapping. I was saying any sh*t I could

I have written entire letters in a dissociated head space, had conversations, etc... and still been legit dissociated. Totally weird and awful experience to have. It’s not helpful to divorce responsibility for everything said and done in a dissociated place because one was dissociated.

I on the other hand am plagued with weight loss, anxiety, insomnia, nightmares, crawly skin...panic attacks....

Do you have solid support for yourself, that is just for you, not him, in working through these symptoms that you are experiencing?

 

[Wander2]

It does sound like a teen boy moving in has triggered his ptsd. Paranoia is a common symptom. It’s not easy to he on the receiving end of that.

But it sounds like he’s got a good T and things seem to be coming clearer for him fairly quickly.

For you, perhaps think about your boundaries with the way he behaves when he’s getting symptomatic. Where your line is, and what you’ll do (anything really - leave the room, stick a pair of headphones in, go out for a while, ask him to do x grounding exercise, whatever) when he’s starting to become unreasonable. Being consistent with that will not only help you manage while he gets himself together, it’ll help him stabilise, and know that you’re safe and consistent and that he can trust you just like he’s done for 23 years.

At some point, tending to your own hurt is going to be important. Yes, he probably was vulnerable and taken advantage of. Doesn’t mean it’s all rainbows and bunny rabbits for you. So tending to your own emotions is really important.

Starting therapy, things often get a bit worse before they start to get better, so hopefully the paranoia will begin to settle as he stabilises. Longer term, you might think about having a conversation with him when you’re both in a more solid place: this vulnerability of his is there, so if it comes up again, how do we handle it differently to keep him safe, and protect your relationship.

Thank you for this - I've been thinking about this since I read your response. Paranoia is what I wrote but didn't really register it as paranoia while it was happening...now that you said its a common symptom I can think back to several things that were indeed paranoia. Through therapy he has learned to recognize when something triggers(I hate that word) him and then he says he can step back and realize that the thought isn't a rational one. He has become more constant with his attention to me in that he knows what happened damaged me and he is trying to make sure I always feel safe and stable - all while tending to his own needs.

I’m confused as to the nature of his “affair”... you said they texted and had an “illicit relationship”? Or was he assaulted? Different situations, and they would get different reactions from me as a supporter.

Beware of excusing everything as PTSD. It’s a common supporter trap, and sometimes sufferers confronted with affairs use it as an excuse.

I’d question the texting personally. How dissociated was he if he could function enough to sneaky text behind his wife’s back?

Somebody who is cheating is quick to blame the “other person” as a seducer or trickster.... it’s their fault, not mine. I’m innocent.

I don’t blame you for questioning. Not everything is PTSD.

I think when you find out a spouse is having what looks like a relationship - you assume its an affair and illicit (I found one incoming text message and I'm pretty certain it was done - repeatedly - so he would get caught) - and it was to a degree. My husband never claimed to have PTSD and didn't think the teenage abuse caused him to fall apart(he never related the two incidences) - that was all discovered and diagnosed in therapy. He wasn't being sneaky really either - I've been married to a very loving man for 23 years so I never bothered to check his phone, just as he didn't check mine - we both go on each others phones normally. If you read my other post you can perhaps understand that this woman was very manipulative in the way she did things - either way it wasn't a caring relationship that was mutual and consensual. It's not normal behavior to threaten someone to get attention (she admitted that to me too when she drunk called me). I really struggled with why he would want to be in that type of relationship(I even told him if he loved her, he should go be with her)...just as a battered spouse stays with their spouse... All these events transpired within 18 months - 1 year when boy moved in(August to August), She came on the scene in June and started pushing for sex (I wouldn't say relationship because she was constantly dating) in October, groped him in maybe(the physical contact is the hardest for him to timeline) December and it all came to an end in January.

Yeah. I’d personally even go even a step further and take the content of texts at face value. Dissociated or not. It’s still him.

Dissociation isn’t psychosis or insanity. One doesn’t lose a sense of what is morally right and wrong. Neither him nor the woman seems to be claiming he forgot was married and it wasn’t like he wandered off in a fudge state forgetting who he was... If he texted to reciprocate the advances, that changes things. Dissociated or not, he’s still responsible for doing that.

The possible fawning explanation (not excuse) for behavior is really fits what is said someone is in the middle of defending/escaping against possible imminent sexual assault. I’ve told a sociopath he was an amazing person in the middle of trying to escape a prolonged kidnapping. I was saying any sh*t I could

I have written entire letters in a dissociated head space, had conversations, etc... and still been legit dissociated. Totally weird and awful experience to have. It’s not helpful to divorce responsibility for everything said and done in a dissociated place because one was dissociated.


Do you have solid support for yourself, that is just for you, not him, in working through these symptoms that you are experiencing?

I've not seen any texts where he responded in like to her - he was deflecting constantly -changing the subject or even saying don't text me.

I think personally - being new to this PTSD it's been a struggle understanding what is wrong with me. When this happened to my husband and having never heard of dissociation or being familiar with PTSD (of course the word affair came to mind), it made it all sound so unbelievable...and yet believable based on my experience with him over the past two years.
No one is perfect, and no marriage is perfect and I think thats why we work so well...we do communicate...until this all happened and everything shut down and paranoia set in(I was enemy #1). Then the victimization took place and he had more anger towards me because in his head he needed help and I wasn't there to help him (not a typical trait - he is a manly man and has always prided himself on being the care taker of our family). Sadly, my husband comes from a dysfunctional family - and he went to his father and brother for help and they both supported having an outside relationship. "rational, natural and healthy" were the words they used to describe this event. Husband thinks he tried to normalize abuse when his family thought it was a good idea (how shameful for them to know he wasn't man enough to handle this?) MORE therapy is needed!

**I should edit this to say - normalize probably isn't the right word - when he tried to explain to his father and brother, they didn't get that he was being victimized so he then dropped it.

 

[Friday]

Cheater accuses spouse of cheating? Check.

Cheater denies any responsibility for cheating... blameshifting to either their spouse, the stress of their lives/some other unassailable force (my fav ever was the guy who clearly couldn’t be expected to remain faithful at sea level! But insert any other excuse and it’s just as ridiculous) , or the other person? Check. Check. Check.

Cheater cries and begs forgiveness for something that almost happened? Check
Cheater owns up to more, and cries and begs forgiveness for that? Check.
Cheater owns up to even more (trickle truth just keeps on coming)? Check.

Cheater redirects all concern to how THEY are feeling, coping, missing, wanting, them them them, poor them? Checkity check check check.

IDFK... It’s all reading right out of the cheater’s handbook to me, so far. Dude was unhappy, and f*cked someone else who made it plain they wanted to f*ck him, and then tried to keep his wife from finding out. Someone who even went so far as to seduce, buy gifts, and set up romantic trips for them. Yeah. Poor guy. CLEARLY, when an abused kid needing help is taking your attention away from him he has to go suck on a different mommy’s tits? Yeah. That’s kosher. :rolleyes: OF COURSE any kind of reasoning that made sense to him at the time to justify that bullshit is going to read as seriously f*cked up. (The 15yo who was here reminded me of when I was 15.... and I TOTALLY lost control. It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t me, I would never.... She seduced ME. I tried to end it. ... :shifty: Like no mistress in the history of the world has ever threatened to tell the wife, because only rational totally loving people f*ck other people’s husbands? oh FFS. Does this guy ever QUIT trying to blameshift onto everyone else for his own decisions? Oh. Wait. I just read the update... Dude told. his. family. and they were supportive of an outside relationship? Like it makes it BETTER that he was totally rational enough to discuss having an affair with other people, and chose to take their counsel. Now it’s their fault too? Because it’s somehow supposed to make sense that “being 15 in his head” meant he has to go get advice about the affair he was having. If dude wasn’t married with kids at 15? I’d call bullshit on THAT particular bit of nonsense, too.

If this guy doesn’t own tap shoes you should buy him some.

I’m not saying that he wasn’t abused as a teenager, or that having an abused teenager in the House didn’t stir up a lot of shit for him, nor that the woman he had an affair with wasn’t sexually aggressive, nor that she didn’t threaten him with exposure &/or “unrolls santa’s List of things mistresses threaten their paramours with since the dawn of time” .... but the pansy ass way this guy is trying to sleeze his way out of any and all responsibility & manipulate his way back into your good graces? Is Cheaters101... blubber, blameshift, & baffle them with bullshit.

 

[Sideways]

Interesting take @Friday , because I was thinking more along the lines of major stress coming up at home and a likely trigger moving into the family home, texts consistent with his story, and 23 years of marriage (that’s a long friggin time to be married)?

The OP has given this a lot of thought, and there are a lot of things pointing towards hubby being not very well, so I’m thinking that maybe he’s not very well right now.

Does it make what he did okay? Nope. Would it be understandable if OP never forgave him? Yeah. But a 23 year marriage is a pretty significant partnership, and if he’s willing to be open and work through these issues? We ptsd’ers can do some really messed up stuff, stuff that really pushes relationships to breaking point, yeah?

And we can come back from it with the right support. Sometimes it feels like the safest thing to do is blow up our strongest and most important relationships. I’ve definitely been there. It wouldn’t be unusual behaviour if he had become unwell due to sudden increased stress at home.

 

[Wander2]

Cheater accuses spouse of cheating? Check.

Cheater denies any responsibility for cheating... blameshifting to either their spouse, the stress of their lives/some other unassailable force (my fav ever was the guy who clearly couldn’t be expected to remain faithful at sea level! But insert any other excuse and it’s just as ridiculous) , or the other person? Check. Check. Check.

Cheater cries and begs forgiveness for something that almost happened? Check
Cheater owns up to more, and cries and begs forgiveness for that? Check.
Cheater owns up to even more (trickle truth just keeps on coming)? Check.

Cheater redirects all concern to how THEY are feeling, coping, missing, wanting, them them them, poor them? Checkity check check check.

IDFK... It’s all reading right out of the cheater’s handbook to me, so far. Dude was unhappy, and f*cked someone else who made it plain they wanted to f*ck him, and then tried to keep his wife from finding out. Someone who even went so far as to seduce, buy gifts, and set up romantic trips for them. Yeah. Poor guy. CLEARLY, when an abused kid needing help is taking your attention away from him he has to go suck on a different mommy’s tits? Yeah. That’s kosher. :rolleyes: OF COURSE any kind of reasoning that made sense to him at the time to justify that bullshit is going to read as seriously f*cked up. (The 15yo who was here reminded me of when I was 15.... and I TOTALLY lost control. It wasn’t my fault, it wasn’t me, I would never.... She seduced ME. I tried to end it. ... :shifty: Like no mistress in the history of the world has ever threatened to tell the wife, because only rational totally loving people f*ck other people’s husbands? oh FFS. Does this guy ever QUIT trying to blameshift onto everyone else for his own decisions? Oh. Wait. I just read the update... Dude told. his. family. and they were supportive of an outside relationship? Like it makes it BETTER that he was totally rational enough to discuss having an affair with other people, and chose to take their counsel. Now it’s their fault too? Because it’s somehow supposed to make sense that “being 15 in his head” meant he has to go get advice about the affair he was having. If dude wasn’t married with kids at 15? I’d call bullshit on THAT particular bit of nonsense, too.

If this guy doesn’t own tap shoes you should buy him some.

Wow - let me guess?
He was clearly unhappy.
He didn't accept gifts. He never went on any trips with her. Never went to her outside of having to complete work there. Never went anywhere with her. Didn't eat dinner together...didn't do anything that could be construed as dating, didn't buy her gifts, didn't sneak to her house, didn't see her after I found out, didn't
He tried to get help from family - not 'rational enough to discuss having an affair' but told them a client was coming on to him and that he didn't know how to stop her. Their response was more along the lines of 'why? it's natural'....we have kept distance from his family for years because they have different values...that was one of the flags that he was spending time with them...he has since cut contact with them as well. He didn't take their counsel - instead tried avoiding her.
Didn't F*ck someone else - she complained constantly that he wouldn't (wouldn't F*ck, wouldn't let her in, Wouldn't let down his guard etc...even to me on the phone!

Interesting take @Friday , because I was thinking more along the lines of major stress coming up at home and a likely trigger moving into the family home, texts consistent with his story, and 23 years of marriage (that’s a long friggin time to be married)?

The OP has given this a lot of thought, and there are a lot of things pointing towards hubby being not very well, so I’m thinking that maybe he’s not very well right now.

Does it make what he did okay? Nope. Would it be understandable if OP never forgave him? Yeah. But a 23 year marriage is a pretty significant partnership, and if he’s willing to be open and work through these issues? We ptsd’ers can do some really messed up stuff, stuff that really pushes relationships to breaking point, yeah?

And we can come back from it with the right support. Sometimes it feels like the safest thing to do is blow up our strongest and most important relationships. I’ve definitely been there. It wouldn’t be unusual behaviour if he had become unwell due to sudden increased stress at home.

Thank you - it's not okay. It's not okay for a victim to be victimized again and it's not okay what he did to me - just as it wouldn't be okay for a cheater to not take accountability. AND it's F*cking HARD. But I think his ability to shut someone down as an adult was what was impaired...he says over and over again that he didn't want 'it'...and while it does sound like a cheater escaping responsibility...I have to give him some trust in what he is telling me now - now that he is back to acting like he has for the past 23 years....it would be hard to believe that he acted the part for 23 years and was so smart and cunning to get this diagnosis and go through emdr on the regular just to trick me....something we have always said is 'the truth always comes out in the end. AND it will.

 

[Friday]

@Sideways ... I agree wholeheartedly. With every point.

I just have zero sympathy for acting badly & then denying any and all responsibility FOR acting badly.

Didn't F*ck someone else -

Wait.

So this is either an emotional affair OR ...an emotional assault? :confused: *

He says she took from him something he wasn't willing to give- he equates it to assault.

If all it was that he was texting some woman because she texted him first? I would very much call into question the amount of... everything... that followed. And I sincerely hope I’m wrong about that, and very well may be. People overreact for a huge number of reasons. But if simple texting = serious therapy = he now knows how to block a number, and why he was disinclined to block a number in the first place? And that’s really all there was to it? Awesome! Really.

* ETA - Okay, I just went back and reread, so we’re not up to SEX yet, at least as far as he remembers, but it definitely got physical with them; and there has been a progression of disclosure “as he remembers more”. I do still sincerely wish you both the best, and hope the bottom line is still that he now knows how to say no / why he was disinclined to do so..., and chooses his counsel more wisely in the future.

 

[Gs172003]

Thank you - it's not okay. It's not okay for a victim to be victimized again and it's not okay what he did to me - just as it wouldn't be okay for a cheater to not take accountability. AND it's F*cking HARD. But I think his ability to shut someone down as an adult was what was impaired...he says over and over again that he didn't want 'it'...and while it does sound like a cheater escaping responsibility...I have to give him some trust in what he is telling me now - now that he is back to acting like he has for the past 23 years....it would be hard to believe that he acted the part for 23 years and was so smart and cunning to get this diagnosis and go through emdr on the regular just to trick me....something we have always said is 'the truth always comes out in the end. AND it will.

Honey I don't know what happened or didn't but...a man having an affair and trying to hide it can do some pretty odd things. A man caught? Can also do odd things. A man that thinks he got by with it? May be relieved and go back to normal.
Just a thought.

 

[Sweetpea76]

If somebody groped him and he didn’t participate it wasn’t an affair. He didn’t
cheat. If he wasn’t responding to text messages he wasn’t having a relationship. What you described as an affair or relationship isn’t even remotely close to what happened if that is the case.

That I could understand. I wouldn’t be upset about any kind of betrayal in that instance.

If he participated in anything, even to “placate her”, I’d call BS.

That’s what I was saying earlier about two different situations.

 

[Wander2]

@Sideways ... I agree wholeheartedly. With every point.

I just have zero sympathy for acting badly & then denying any and all responsibility FOR acting badly.


Wait.

So this is either an emotional affair OR ...an emotional assault? :confused: *


If all it was that he was texting some woman because she texted him first? I would very much call into question the amount of... everything... that followed. And I sincerely hope I’m wrong about that, and very well may be. People overreact for a huge number of reasons. But if simple texting = serious therapy = he now knows how to block a number, and why he was disinclined to block a number in the first place? And that’s really all there was to it? Awesome! Really.

* ETA - Okay, I just went back and reread, so we’re not up to SEX yet, at least as far as he remembers, but it definitely got physical with them; and there has been a progression of disclosure “as he remembers more”. I do still sincerely wish you both the best, and hope the bottom line is still that he now knows how to say no / why he was disinclined to do so..., and chooses his counsel more wisely in the future.

lol - yes, he knows how to block a number - unfortunately, she was a client that hired him to do a substantial amount of work (over six figures) and had to respond to texts and phone calls...She was like many predators, in the power position.

Honey I don't know what happened or didn't but...a man having an affair and trying to hide it can do some pretty odd things. A man caught? Can also do odd things. A man that thinks he got by with it? May be relieved and go back to normal.
Just a thought.

I agree - but like I said, she complained to him in text and to me on the phone drunk that he wasn't willing...that confused me? Right why want to be with someone that keeps shutting you down? So - it seemed like there must be more to the story...and his therapist seems to be able to understand and explain but hard for me to understand

 

[Gs172003]

I agree - but like I said, she complained to him in text and to me on the phone drunk that he wasn't willing...that confused me? Right why want to be with someone that keeps shutting you down? So - it seemed like there must be more to the story...and his therapist seems to be able to understand and explain but hard for me to understand

Pride. She had money and was probably used to getting what she wants.
I suggest if anything like that ever comes up again he doesn't go on jobs of that nature alone. Does he have employees that can work with him?

 

[Wander2]

Pride. She had money and was probably used to getting what she wants.
I suggest if anything like that ever comes up again he doesn't go on jobs of that nature alone. Does he have employees that can work with him?

Thank you Zoogal - we've put things in place...he tried during the event - brought kids to work with him, only went when trades were there...finally quit showing up. He has invited me to meet clients with him and requests that I go with him or show up randomly. He wants us to be in business together...I handle communication with clients while he handles the job.