Sufferer Desperately Seeking Help, Anyone?

[Tribulations]

I am new here.... obviously, I'm not quite sure how to start this. I guess I will start by sharing my story.

In my past I have been abused physically and mentally/emotionally from both parents. As well as other forms of abuse which I am ashamed and would rather not divulge too much information about. Except that the abusers were the people who were supposed to help me, I was 13 at the time. I will leave it at that. Around the time I was just about to turn 18, my father pulled a gun on me and fired. Again I will leave it at that, although the story is much deeper and thankfully I am still alive (even though I wish I weren't at times). I feel safer being vague, as I am trying to keep this as short and sweet as possible. I am pretty sure I was diagnosed at 18 but life has been so crazy I honestly cannot recall. I have been trying to help myself for years, alone, and although there are improvements I know it could be better.

I am trying to find relief from the world and have been lurking on this site for about a week now. I found this site by googling about noisy neighbors. You see I have noisy neighbors upstairs and the dumpster from the neighboring complex is behind. Both create loud, incredibly loud bangs. Maybe I'm just being sensitive, but my heart races and I feel I don't know how to explain it.... like everyone is closing in, I'm backed into a corner, there is no escape, and I have to be quiet or they will hear me. Bat crap crazy I know.... Anyhow the stress makes me so angry and my partner (who is a saint) gets the brunt when it is too much at times. I feel like a jerk a really big jerk at times, I have been more patient over time. It just really aggravates me that sometimes I cannot control my anger because of stupid noise and she gets the crap end of the stick. Sorry if I am rambling I tend to do that when stressed. Which I am today, super stressed, I have cried because I hate myself sometimes for being this way. As I wasn't always like this.... I used to be everyone's rock but now.... I can't get a job because of the crippling anxiety, I haven't left the house in years aside from moving. Anyone out there with some advice for someone who is trying their hardest to fix this?

Thanks and sorry for the long introduction.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

My therapist says that when you start isolating you start shirking your comfort zone and therefore will isolate more. Which is not a good thing. Everyone needs human contact. I know how hard it is to leave the house sometimes and I know how much anxiety rules my life, but I still make a point of leaving the house a few times a week. A good start on this would be go to a coffee shop. Sit down, have coffee, read a newspaper...you don't have to talk to anyone. It will make you be a bit social and it will be hard the first few times. The forum is also a good social outlet.

There is more to say on your worries but reading around the forum is a good place to start. Chances are that whatever problem you are having someone else here as dealt with it too. And it's wonderful to meet others and know you are not alone. :)

Wishing you the best.

 

[Tribulations]

Thank you for the welcome Ayesha, I appreciate it. I do keep some human contact, only with close friends though. Even though I have been becoming more withdrawn over the past couple of years. I have read around a little and saw others were very similar to my life, feelings etc. It honestly, as weird as this is going to sound gave me some comfort earlier today when I was breaking down.

Which is one of the reasons I decided to join this forum. I found it by chance, and am glad I did. I know I still have a lot to fix for lack of better words, but I am willing to accept input/feedback from others. I feel that I owe it to myself and partner to do this. We thankfully have some basics down already, like boundries etc. I didn't even know that we did until reading some posts on here haha. Granted sometimes those boundries get broken at times, which is definitely not my best side. She is my everything, she has a lot of patience with me and although at times she gets super upset. She has stuck by me for 6 almost 7 years, we did separate once however. I just want to see her smile more, I want to smile more.

Again thank you for you kind words, and best wishes to you also.

 

[safenow]

Both create loud, incredibly loud bangs.

When a person has had a gun pulled on them, this type of sound brings fear with it, and fear tends to make us grumpy, and angry. So please, don't beat yourself up for reacting the way you have.

Welcome to the PTSD Forum. You are in good company here. Lots of good supportive people and some wonderful topics with lots of inupt by so many people. Both supporters and those of us with PTSD.

 

[Tribulations]

Thanks safenow, yeah it was pretty bad today as I was sleeping when the first loud noise happened. I guess I beat myself up not so much for feeling fear or anger, but more so the actions attached to them. I know in retrospect that my behavior and reactions to simple things are distasteful. Especially to my partner, she doesn't deserve that for one and two I feel sometimes as if I am just perpetuating the abuse cycle. Unfortunately at the time I don't see it that way.

I am basically trying to find more effective ways at self help, as I've been at this alone (aside from my partner) for awhile now. I don't trust inpatient or outpatient treatments, I was guinea pigged with meds as well as abused. Counterproductive I know, but I just can't trust it.

If you don't mind me asking what are some things that have helped you all?

 

[KP the nut]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

 

[safenow]

If you don't mind me asking what are some things that have helped you all?

1) I Keep two journals. One for the good things (example is found in "how it began" page 19, #463) One for the "crap" that life deals out.

2) I make sure to ground myself as quickly as I can when I get triggered by something. In other words, I make sure I stay in the here and now. (5-4-3-2-1 game - "how it began" - page 1, Item 21)

3) If it's something I don't have a good coping skill for, I get in touch with a good therapist. I know you don't trust them for what they have done to you in the past, but you had bad ones in the past. A good one won't rush to the drug thingy unless you really need it. Like you're not sleeping, or you're a danger to yourself or others.

4) I come here and vent or write in my diary. It really helps me a lot. and I've only been here a couple of months. But this is great place. Lots of supportive people. Which is one thing I didn't have in my life before.

I'm sure others will give you great ideas as well. You can do this.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Tribulations,

Welcome to the PTSD Forum! :)

This site is a great place for information and support as you work on healing. Therapy can also be a great source for obtaining the tools to manage PTSD symptoms. A therapist does not fix anything, but they give you the tools you need to work through issues and keep you accountable.

Wishing you the best.

Debbie

 

[Tribulations]

Thank you for the welcome Kp and Debbie. This place is pretty awesome, I have to admit I was hesitant at first but I'm glad I made the decision to join. You all are so very nice, and I really appreciate that. Thank you.

Safenow: I have a journal, but it is good and bad. It never dawned on me to separate the two.... durr haha. I will definitely give this a try, I like the pro/con aspect to that. I imagine that it will help me to really break things down a bit more. Thanks for the reference I will check it out. I was wondering about the diaries, I actually read up on the "read this first" stuff. I don't want to break the rules here or seriously screw up any progression, so I'm not sure if I should start one here yet. I think I'm ready but after reading that I am not sure I am, I haven't done some of the stuff on the list. My issues with therapists and the like are pretty deep, and there is still a lot of hurt from that. I will eventually get there but baby steps, I feel I am a lot closer to that goal now than the past years.

Debbie: Thank you for the welcome, you are right this place is a huge resource. I am almost overwhelmed by all of the information and techniques haha. Like I told Safenow, a therapist is in the future just not now. I won't put it off forever, I just have to work some stuff out first. I think I'm on a better paved path since joining. Haven't been a member for more than 2 days, but it almost feels like a little of the weight off my shoulders.

Again thank you all for your warm welcomes, kindness and not being judgemental. You have no idea how much I appreciate it. Thank you.

 

[nimkekaa]

I have found this forum to be very informative and supportive. I hope you do too.

Welcome!

 

[Finding Shawna]

Hi, welcome. I am new also. You will find it safe, comforting and welcome here.

 

[Tribulations]

Nimkekaa and Shawna thanks for the welcome. The more time I spend reading around here and there, the more I realize just how right all of you are.

Stay golden all of you :D.