Sexual Assault Did I Cheat On My Boyfriend Or Was I Sexually Assaulted?

[taylafilmista]

I have a beautiful boyfriend, but we've been off and on for some years. We are back together and very much in love but the other night I ended up drunk at a party at an old fling's house party. My boyfriend left early and I stayed with a girlfriend.

Anyway. I am friends with my old fling's brother who was also quite drunk. I couldn't sleepover everyone else went to bed so I went to sit and talk with him since we can usually have a good conversation. I got to his room and drunkenly barged in and sat on his bed. What I didn't expect was for him to be naked and to grab ahold of me before I could even begin talking. He took my clothes off very quickly as I was telling him no. I asked him to please stop and I said no repeatedly, I physically tried to stave him off but he was very aggressive, holding me down and being dominant. I got physically tired but managed to keep him from actually having sex with me but allowed him to do everything else. I stopped saying no halfway through.

We have been friends for a while and I only recently got the notion that he would be attracted to me. I was flirtatious dancing with other men, I get that way when I'm drunk but had absolutely no intention of being naked with someone else or even kissing! I said no and explained why it was wrong afterward but I couldn't help being nurturing Toward him. He asked If I really had just wanted to talk and I honestly said yes. And I apologized. I didn't mean for it to go that far but I don't know how not feel like consoling HIM. What the f*ck am I thinking??

 

[anthony]

I would like to say that you are presenting this as confused between the two outcomes from your title, and that is a good thing.

Whilst I would normally say no means no, when used strongly, I'm also not sure I believe what you're saying fully, being only your point of view, because there is also so much in there that says, yes and even approval from you. You were both drunk, you barged into his room and sat on his bed, you were flirtatious dancing with others, and then the piece of resistance:

but allowed him to do everything else

There is, "oh no... no, please stop... ok... that feels good... no, no, I'm not sure I should be doing this" and then there is "NO, STOP, NOOOOOOOOO, STOPPPPPPPPPPPP" which is screaming from being forced. You were in a house with others, surely someone would have heard you if forceful.

I'm sorry, but this sounds like after the fact you're trying to feel better about your actions versus sexual assault. By your own admission you gave permission for him to do everything else, which brings me to answer your question as simply, you cheated on your boyfriend.

I could be wrong, but your post doesn't scream to me RAPE, it screams a guilty conscious for cheating on your boyfriend that you're trying to wrap in RAPE to convince yourself otherwise.

IMHO, this is why the line of sexual encounter versus sexual assault gets so blurry, and even men who had no intention of being called a rapist thought the advances were all warranted and permission based, for a women to turn after the fact and say otherwise, even though she gave permission to do everything else, except intercourse. Sorry... it just doesn't sound right to me. If the guy was raping you / assaulting you, he wouldn't worry about your permission.

I may cop a whole lot of shit for women for saying this... but it screams and begs for the other side of the story to be told IMHO. I'm not trying to victim blame you, but merely give my opinion based on what you have presented here.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I sort of side with @anthony. My rapist never kissed me before he raped me, my comfort or desire was of no concern to him...the only thing I don't totally agree with is screaming for help while raped; Not always possible in my view becasue of weapons, crying, shock etc. but I didn't really hear that in your post.

I just don't understand why you would get so drunk when it causes you:

flirtatious dancing with other men, I get that way when I'm drunk

Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't but I don't see a clear line. I wonder just like Anthony does:

this sounds like after the fact you're trying to feel better about your actions

I hate to say all this becasue it makes me feel like I am victim blaming but your post doesn't make sense for rape.

 

[Echo]

I got to his room and drunkenly barged in and sat on his bed. What I didn't expect was for him to be naked and to grab ahold of me before I could even begin talking. He took my clothes off very quickly as I was telling him no. I asked him to please stop and I said no repeatedly, I physically tried to stave him off but he was very aggressive, holding me down and being dominant. I got physically tired but managed to keep him from actually having sex with me but allowed him to do everything else.

@taylafilmista - I disagree with what the others have said. Being drunk may not be wise, but it does not give anyone the right to assault you. Barging into his room was also not wise, but the behaviour you outline afterwards from him was in no way acceptable. You are not actually saying it was rape, so I don't know why that is even being mentioned by other respondents.

I hope you are getting yourself some help. Once you have that, you can decide whether you want to do anything further in respect of him. You may not, but you have every right to do so. You said no repeatedly. You tried to fight him off but he was "very aggressive, holding you down and being dominant". Many women, once they realise they are not going to get away, will freeze in a rape or assault situation. It is totally normal and very common. It is biologically sensible since it may prevent worse damage. Courts in various countries are finally understanding this and do not require a woman to have fought back or screamed if she was in terror for her life.

The key thing is how you are feeling about this. I would certainly suggest you seek help and get yourself checked for STDs, and pregnancy testing should be in the mix, if that is likely. Do you have a therapist already? If not, please find the local women's charity hotline and ring them for advice and possible counselling. They may also be able to do the tests you need.

 

[Justmehere]

You went to the bedroom of another guy being flirty, he was naked and you sat on his bed. He had reasons to think you wanted more, but when he went there, you SAID no. He heard that and he likely knew you were dating someone else. fi you are consoling him, that suggests he feels bad. He should! You said no, again and again, and he still went ahead and took your clothes off and did things you didn't want while you were still saying no. Maybe he is a really persuasive guy you feel like you can't run from... but you should cut all ties from him and RUN. This doesn't sound good for either of you.

Being drunk and flirtaeous doesn't make it ok to do sexual acts that you say no to. It's being a flirt - and you are responsible for that. It's being drunk - and you are responsible for that. In some states in the US, having sex with someone who is really drunk and unable to consent is actually considered rape. When someone is drunk, there is all the more reason to make sure they are clearly saying yes to sex, not an excuse to push boundaries further or question the no.

You clearly had the wherewithal to say no. He should have respected that escorted the drunk woman who was saying no she didn't want sex out of his room.

I am concerned that while sober you still feel like you need to console someone you clearly feel like he violated your boundaries. I'm concerned you are having any contact with him at all. It does sound like you feel conflicted. I can see why - he doesn't sound like a violent rapist who goes out and like holds people at gunpoint, but a guy who didn't listen to or respect your boundaries at all. You shouldn't be consoling him or talking to him at all. What he did was wrong. No is no, period. It sounds like you feel really compelled to not be more strong with your boundaries with this guy, and what he did left you very understandably upset. I highly suggest you cut all ties with him while you work through this.

People who go through trauma often feel drawn to the people who traumatized them and sexual assault can create a lot of very conflicted feelings. It doesn't make it ok what he did.

 

[Lucycat]

It sounds like exceptionally good memory recall for someone so drunk that they lost control.

 

[Echo]

someone so drunk that they lost control

I am just wondering where you got that piece of information from. The OP doesn't say she was so drunk she was out of control.

 

[Lucycat]

I ended up drunk at a party

old fling's brother who was also quite drunk.

I got to his room and drunkenly barged in

I was flirtatious dancing with other men, I get that way when I'm drunk

Ok, So it was my interpretation from the above bits of information.

 

[Justmehere]

It sounds like exceptionally good memory recall for someone so drunk that they lost control.

Someone doesn't have to be black-out drunk to do things they would not do sober. It doesn't take much alcohol for me personally to cry and act in ways I would not act when not inebriated. For me, it's why I don't drink at all anymore. I'm too scared to even lose slight control.

Most sober people would not barge into a room with a naked guy and stay for a even a millisecond. But I can easily see how someone buzzed might stay a little longer than they would otherwise.

I would also say I think some of this is besides the point. The poster is concerned about her acts to console him - something it sounds like she did when she was sober too.

Sexual trauma kind of screws people up and can bring on a lot of conflicting feelings. They can do and feel very contradictory things.

The poster's drunkness doesn't make it her fault. It's good for her to examine her own behaviors. It might be time for her to back off on the alcohol a bit, and perhaps to even look into if she is self medicating other pain that needs to be worked through...

She was drunk, so there naturally would be increased risk for sh*t to happen. I hate to say that, but it is what it is. People who are drunk sometimes engage in risky behaviors they would not engage in otherwise - it's sometimes the point of getting drunk. Liquid courage. The very serious downside is that people also don't run at the first sign of danger as quickly when drunk, and they don't have to be black out forget what happened drunk to be affected this way.

BUT being drunk doesn't make it their fault for someone doing sexual acts with them after they said no. It doesn't make it ok. They are at fault for being drunk. They are at fault for being stupidly barging into a drunk guy's bedroom and staying longer than they should have.

They are not at fault for the guy doing sexual acts after they said no again and again. That's not cheating and being drunk doesn't make that cheating.

In the end, the poster is the best one to know what happened. and it sounds like because of her own acts she is naturally confused about it all. But from what she says, I don't see signs that this was a willful act on her part to go have sex with this guy. She put herself in an unsafe situation that she should have ran from and should run from now, and a lot more happened than she wanted to have happen, BUT that's different than inviting sex, saying yes to sexual acts, and later declaring rape to cover up guilt about cheating and saying yes to sexual acts. Even if she had said yes to making out naked, which would have been playing with fire (and cheating and something that sounds like she said no to...) but even if she had said yes to that, the guy should still have backed off when she said no to sexual acts beyond that.

 

[Lucycat]

I only recently got the notion that he would be attracted to me.

I think this is a very key sentence. I am not judging the OP, but she herself invites the question of 'Did I cheat on my boyfriend or was I sexually assaulted?' I get that she is feeling confused and unsure. I don't think sexual assault is ever acceptable and there are no excuses. I don't think being drunk excuses either party - everybody is still responsible for their own actions.

I am simply giving my opinion in trying to answer the question posed.

I didn't mean for it to go that far

So how far did you mean it to go?

 

[Pencil]

When I was 19 I had a very close male friend who was 31, and who made it very clear that he was attracted to me. It happened on two occasions that we got as drunk as skunks drinking whisky in the bath - together. He never did anything that made me feel even uncomfortable - we were buddies and he treated me the same way he would have treated a male friend.

Yes, it was stupid of me, yes, it was irresponsible, yes I was naive. But he stayed within the boundaries of our friendship. No wonder we are still friends, decades later.

What is this nonsense that women 'ask for it' if they drink too much? A falling down drunk prostitute has the right to expect not to be harassed, fondled, whatever. Arguing that someone was drunk is no different from arguing the victim wore sexy clothes.

 

[Echo]

In my view, when someone has just been assaulted or raped, the first priority is for them to be advised, if they have not already done so, to seek help. The professional then consulted can assist the victim to work out what exactly happened and what they would want to do about it. Victims are very likely to be very confused (I know I was), to be blaming themselves and seeking reasons to blame themselves (I know I was), so regardless of what the question was that the OP (who appears not to have returned) asked, I feel it inappropriate for us to be anatomising what she says (in her distress and probable confusion).

In that state of confusion and probable self-blaming, many victims find it hard to seek help, because they are scared, because they are confused, because they think everyone will blame them in some regard (very often) and for many other reasons. I find it deplorable that this particular person has been met with what is tantamount to victim-blaming. This is just my view; I certainly don't intend to get involved in an argument about it.

It is because of the above that rape charities will always firstly say, "I believe you; it wasn't your fault." If a person is distressed they need help and they need medical attention in many cases. If the first words you hear is that it might well be your fault and you deserved it or whatever, then this will likely set you back and may stop you seeking help. I am so surprised that people here, some of whom have been through such awful experiences, would do this.