Sexual Assault Did I Cheat On My Boyfriend Or Was I Sexually Assaulted?

[Definitely..maybe]

I do think that maybe the title could be confusing people a bit. Because you're either supposed to say 'she cheated' or 'she was assaulted', rather than another option. I think after this occurrence the thought that you cheated should barely be a concern.

But I understand if it is to you. I really hope your boyfriend can be supportive of you in this time, and if you don't want to share I hope he picks up enough vibes to give you an extra hug or two. Also please know, I'm not discrediting you at all.

Honestly I have an instance that I still question and regardless of others and professionals saying assault, I just cannot forgive myself enough to believe it. In my opinion though it is ALWAYS the abusers fault if they truly assaulted someone, never the victims. I just can't believe that for me personally:tdown:

 

[fly away home]

OK, calm settle calm.
I accept responsibility for using inappropriate and offensive language, I was pretty upset about the way the OP was handled and that hasn't changed, I am still upset but all the same I am all for a good argument and hearty exchange of opinion.

I'm unsure why you can't accept opinions.

I'm pretty cool with opinions. I like to hear yours and others. I like to have my opinions, I will also express them on occasion.

The only thing that annoys me is when people defend their opinion and argue it.

I believe I have a right to defend my opinion. As you obviously do believe too or you would not be responding. If we can't converse about our opinions then what is the point in having threads? May as well just have a pile of opinions with no conversation.....but hang on.....isn't this whole thread about an opinion, a persons request to not continue with a sexual encounter, not being heard?!?!

I honestly don't know why you're trying to defend anything... it is my opinion, nothing more

I am defending the fact that no means no as another poster said, if you say no you don't like purple then thats pretty well going to mean that, no, you dont like purple there is no requirement for the answer to be screamed for it to be respected.

Honestly Anthony, I am open to hearing your opinion, sometimes I agree sometimes I don't, surely I can state on those occasionis that I really don't agree and how I'm feeling about it. I will listen and I will respond. I will have my own opinion. I don't need anyone to agree with me. I have myself to do that lol.


Sooooo the question is, if she has been assaulted. Based on the facts supplied there is no question that she has been assaulted. By law she has been assaulted. What she felt about her boyfriend is irrelevant. Feeling compassion towards her abuser after the fact is is irrelevant. What room of who's house she was in is also irrelevant. What she wore wasn't even mentioned in the OP but again it is irrelevant. I am simply of the opinion that what you said was pretty f*cked up considering the facts. Considering this woman has been assaulted.

I'm bothered by the assumptions made. Sure, I have been triggered by these two threads so I have become quite upset. But I will retain my opinion that facts are facts and rights are rights. We have the right to say no and be heard.

I have no issue with opinions and I stand my mine.

Probably should apologise about the phlegmatic sheep comment....Sorry. I shall rephrase..... some responses are beyond my comprehension.

 

[fly away home]

Things don't sit right with me in relation to this one, putting it into the 0.5% of cases I think are shaky / full of shit.

So, can you tell me Anthony, what exactly is it that doesn't sit right with you? Why do you feel that this is in the 0.5%?

I would like to hear your opinion. ;)

 

[Meadowsweet]

@taylafilmista, there is an area of sexual assault in which, yes, you have been assaulted sexually, but no, he was not intentionally assaulting you. It is miscommunication, and whether we like it or not, miscommunication does happen.

So, if you asked me, is this man a rapist or sexual predator, I would say no.

If you asked me, do you have a right to feel violated after this experience, I would say yes. And I think, if you are feeling violated, then it is your feelings that you need to focus on first, more so than who is to blame.

 

[Pencil]

yes, you have been assaulted sexually, but no, he was not intentionally assaulting you. It is miscommunication

I'm afraid this thread is going from bad to worse. How can you make the statement that he 'unintentionally' assaulted her?? I am gobsmacked. In the first place no such thing as 'accidental assault' exists, in the second place, you are not in a position to decide what his intentions were.

 

[Meadowsweet]

How can you make the statement that he 'unintentionally' assaulted her?? I am gobsmacked. In the first place no such thing as 'accidental assault' exists,

Because of miscommunication.

in the second place, you are not in a position to decide what his intentions were.

No, none of us here are in a position to decide. that's why I worded my reply as I did...

"if you asked me, is this man a rapist or sexual predator, I would say no."

I haven't imagined I can decide his intentions. I have quite clearly stated it as an opinion. In this way it gives the reader a different perspective to look at it from.

To some people, to look at it from that perspective can be beneficial and make what happened easier to deal with and move on from, without feeling like they are being prayed on.

Your perspective of my reply is that it is 'bad', but that is not necessarily the case.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I think yes, she was assaulted from what she told us. But I agree with @The Albatross that:

make good decisions or have good judgment. Judgment was severely lacking here. Does it mean that she is at fault? No not necessarily... but putting yourself there, in my experience is part of the problem.

There was some confusing things about her post. For example saying "I didn't mean for it to go that far." sort of makes you think that she was already thinking of cheating or at least going down that path.

Does it excuse the person who did it? No, of course not. Of course, he is responsible for his actions. Of course that is something he could/should go to jail for.

But I see some poor judgement as well and I see her post as she is trying not to take responsibly for any of her actions. The rape however, was totally on the rapist. Just becasue some of her judgement was poor does not mean she deserved or 'asked for' the rape.

 

[Pencil]

I see some poor judgement as well

Who on God's green earth is not 'guilty' of piss poor judgement at least once a week? Not all instances have potentially dangerous consequences, but living with the awareness of all possible consequences to every little situation is called 'hyper-vigilism' which is not a symptom of mental health.

Taken together, mid-twenties, parties, friends who secretly like one another while being in relationships with others, drinking, barging into rooms in the wee hours of the morning for heart-to-hearts all spell normality to me. These things I consider rites of passage. One asshole taking advantage of that, sadly, seems to be a rite of passage as well.

It says a lot about our society that still has a caveman mentality around all of this. So there was a guy, naked, who did not lock his door. A woman, not entirely sober, enters. And somehow the man is not threatened, and will never be in a position where this forum, or any other, admonishes him for not being sober, being naked while there were others in the house, not locking his door, not yelling at the top of his lungs when the woman opened the door - because he has superior physical strength, not because he is morally superior, or has more basic human rights. Very sad.

 

[J_trustno1]

@taylafilmista : I'm really sorry for what you had gone through and the kind of shit some people on this post has thrown at you. I can relate to your situation where I almost had a similar experience but luckily I escaped rape. Yes, this guy did sexually assault you and you feeling sorry at the end of the situation was quite a normal response.

The thing with Ptsd and depression or other anxiety disorders is that we always self-doubt. We are too vulnerable during these experiences that we forget where our own boundaries reside. I have had trouble saying NO to guys when they even tried hugging me but as a response I froze. I was lucky enough that I haven't been in the exact situation to yours.

Now where to go from here, you need to cut ties off from this guy and seek a therapist for help. You can't deal with this own your own because after this experience you may be confused. Get some help and it will help you. I don't know what the laws are in your country but please get some help from a trusted person.

I hope this helped.

 

[Pietro]

What I didn't expect was for him to be naked and to grab ahold of me before I could even begin talking. He took my clothes off very quickly as I was telling him no.

Regardless of anything else that the OP posted, these two sentences answer the question in her subject line. According to her post, she had never had a physical relationship with this person; therefore, why would he expect that grabbing and disrobing a woman he is not in a relationship with is acceptable behavior? Am I not supposed to trust those I consider "friends" to not assault me when I or they are drunk? Being drunk doesn't excuse his behavior, anymore than it excuses a drunk driver for killing a pedestrian.

His was not the behavior of a friend, or even someone who was just drunk. Such sexual aggressiveness without prior consent is assault -- plain and simple -- and suggests that her friend has some serious, dangerous issues. There's not even anything in the OP's description that suggests "implied" consent.

There are multiple issues here, though, that may be getting jumbled-up. Assault or not, it doesn't immediately mean that the event will cause her to be traumatized. That's a wholly individual and circumstantial question. Only the OP will know if this ends-up being traumatic or not.

Moreover, the fact that the OP felt compassion for the guy is not all that surprising. Friends do hurt each other from time to time; sometimes it's something they can get through, sometimes not. Again, it's all in the context of their relationship and the event. Should she report the event to law enforcement? It's up to her. But I do think she should keep some distance from this guy. His behavior indicates that he can be dangerous, regardless of whether he felt bad about it.

 

[scout86]

old fling's brother who was also quite drunk.

If I'm understanding correctly BOTH parties to this event were drunk. So, probably this guy wasn't behaving like he would have normally either.

How about considering this to be the end result of bad choices? If the guy had deliberately gotten someone drunk and taken advantage of that, I'd have a different outlook. As it was, he also had had too much to drink (if I'm interpreting the story right). He was in his own bed, minding his own business, when the OP came in. Best of all possible worlds, he should have quit at the first "no", I suppose, but the influence of alcohol got in the way, as it will.

MHO, this is why the line of sexual encounter versus sexual assault gets so blurry,

\
At the risk of being flamed, I have to say that I agree that sometimes communication is a problem. I've been involved with a number of sexual encounters that I wasn't comfortable with and regretted. But I wouldn't call it "rape". It involved a "failure of respect". On the other party's part, because they didn't have enough respect for me to hear my reluctance (which I expressed as ambivalence) and on MY PART, because I didn't have enough respect for myself to insist on what I actually wanted (or didn't want). Another example of poor choices. MINE, because I didn't pick an partner who actually respected and cared about me. Was that my fault? Not exactly, because I didn't know better and had no way, at that point, to know better. At the same time, it wasn't HIS fault either. Sometimes we just make poor choices and it doesn't have to be about "whose fault it was".

 

[Nicolette]

I'm going to share something here, and it's factual, and it highlights the difference between a person's own reality and 'the law'...the definition of rape, assault and abuse. It's a little off topic but it is relevant.

I had back surgery, couldn't walk for the first couple of days and then struggled with significant pain from having my coccyx removed. 5 days on and my boyfriend/fiance (ring was on laybuy) was supposed to be home helping and he wasn't. To cut a long story short he disappeared for 5 hours saying he would only be one while leaving me to deal with his unruly son. He came home and we argued. I got angry and said I was just going to take off like he did so he could know what it felt like, so in my slippers (not shoes), I walked out into the garage and started my car wanting to drive off. When I got to the car and started the ignition I realised wow, it hurt to even sit in the driver's seat and that I wasn't medically allowed to drive yet so I just sat there listening to music.

He came and pulled me out of the car, I tried to stop him with my arms flailing, wanting him to leave me alone. He punched me in the face, knocked me out cold on the concrete floor and I came to with above my eye split open and bleeding.

Now here's what I want you to think about - in court, yes in court (as the police charged him with assault after I managed to get to the station the next day asking what I could do to get him out of my house as I was weak and frightened) he got off on assault charges due to it being true that I was on painkillers for my back - they said they could have distorted my view and for the second reason being that I had gone and sat in my car and not driven out of the garage. They played that off as me wanting to suicide - gas myself.... really?!!!

So now we have my reality when I had no intentions of suicide, it didn't even cross my mind, and yes I was on painkillers but they didn't impair my judgement. In the eyes of the law he walked away a free man with no conviction .............in my eyes I was assaulted and have the scar and photos to prove it. Go figure!