Did You Choose A Good Partner? Did I?

[Scandinavgirl]

I am so confused. Since Ive started therapy one and a half year ago and started working with my trauma and relationships, I have been, in the back of my mind, afraid that I chose a partner that cannot give me what I desire of empathy and love. Like my mother could not give me.

I know I have kept things from him, not sharing my feelings and trauma, and I know I have to work on my openness with him. But when I try, it is like he does not receive it in an empathic way. He has this ironic and sarcastic view on everything, and does not take it seriously. At least not always. In addition, I would like to work on our communication in social settings. Because he is very dominant in these settings and sometimes he just ignore me, when I try to say something. Sometimes even mock me when I say something. I talked to him about this, and he promised he would work on it, but a couple of weekends later, he did it again.
I was so hurt. He has a temper, but he never yells at me or my son. Sometimes though, he reminds me of my mother, because he dominates the room with his bad mood. I get upset and stressed, I tell him, but he cant change. Even though he says he wants to.

I am always the one who has to stay calm, If I tell him that I am stressed out, he also becomes stressed. Instead of being the calm one.

He his not a bad person, but I long for intimacy and empathy in my relationship. I long for someone who sees all of me, who acknowledge the dark sides as well. And love them.

I am afraid I cant get this from him, but the very thought of leaving him hurts. Because he also seem so innocent in a way. And he loves my son. No doubt.

Does anyone of you find yourself doubting the partner you chose for similar reasons, and what did u do about it?

 

[Deleted member 541]

You apparently don't see, but your partner abuses you verbally. He mocks you and he uses sarcasm when speaking to you. You state that he is also dominant which would infer that he feels above you and is controlling.

He says he can't change?!?!?!? Why???? Yes, change is hard, but it isn't impossible, the person just has to work on changing themselves, and it happens. It takes time, but it is doable.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

I was afraid someone would answer this. He says he can change somethings, and other things he cant. And I am afraid he cant even change what he says he want to change.

The reason why I think I am dearing look at the badsides of our relationship, is that I fallen totally for my boss in a period where we worked more closely. I am pretty sure he has feelings for me to. His look on me makes me feel so great and lovable, and his appereance makes me nervous but also, I feel at peace, like deep down in my soul. I am so close giving up on my relationship, and either live alone or go for this man. But it is complicated, because my partner also has positive attributes, and we have a child.

You apparently don't see, but your partner abuses you verbally. He mocks you and he uses sarcasm when sp...

 

[ShodokanJenn]

It's slippery ground, this situation. If your partner isn't right for you, that's fine. But until you are no longer with your partner, is it really okay with you to be choosing someone else to be in a relationship with? I've seen many people do exactly that, and their problems follow them from one partner to the next. Until they take time for themself, and really work on their own issues and build up their self esteem and figure out what they truly need and want in a partner, things continue to fail. If your boss is right for you, he will still be right for you in six months or a year, after you've thoroughly severed ties with your current partner.

 

[Scandinavgirl]

It's slippery ground, this situation. If your partner isn't right for you, that's fine. But unti...

I know its slippery. My point is, this man has shown me what it feels to be loved, even though we dont have a relationship, and even though some of it might also just be in my head. I am thinking about wether my husband will be able to love me and if I will be able to love him, or if it will be alot of work for nothing. Which I vreally cant overcome at this point either. But dont get me wrong. I have not decided to go with this new man just like that, even though I would get the chance

 

[Friday]

I didn't. I chose an asshole. For a very good reason: that's what I needed at the time. Someone I couldn't hurt. Not the wisest decision on my part. Also not totally a conscious one. I remember when I -deliberately- stopped dating amazing men, & would only date assholes, but by the time TheExHusband entered the lineup, I'd sort of forgotten that.

He his not a bad person, but I long for intimacy and empathy in my relationship. I long for someone who sees all of me, who acknowledge the dark sides as well. And love them.

I am afraid I cant get this from him, but the very thought of leaving him hurts. Because he also seem so innocent in a way. And he loves my son. No doubt.

This may be an English, thing, if so disregard.

It's a very different thing to be afraid of not being able to get what you need/want, and to know you won't be able to get what you need/want.

Action kills fear. >>> The problem with this, in my experience, is that action is often at odds with what you want. For example, having an affair because you're afraid your partner is wrong for you? Is an action that kills fear. It will make you feel better. For. A. Time. But it also won't answer the question of whether or not your partner could be who you want them to be. So that fear will linger, until it becomes a certainty, that you've created (by f*cking up your relationship). Instrad of answering the question, It makes you the bad-guy, it betrays trust, causes pain, & etc. So it works super duper well as a distraction (chaos creation), but causes infinitely more problems than it solves. Another action that kills fear? Finding out -for sure- if you and your partner can be good together. That one's harder to face. Because you know the answer may well be no. So there's pain, front loaded, instead of like with the fantasy of someone else or the affair where the pain is later, once you've hurt people who love you. HOWEVER, that action -finding out- in the worst case, let's you keep your honor, and settle things amicably... And in the best case you find your partner really is the absolute best thing, and best one for you.

My 2cents.

 

[EveHarrington]

If you cannot connect with your partner on an emotional level-----would you be ok if at the end of your life you looked back and saw a relationship devoid of emotional support?

That would feel like death to me. I mean why be with someone if they cannot support you? What do you get out of this relationship? It doesn't matter if he has a million positive qualities. Sometimes it takes just one negative quality to make it a deal breaker.

 

[Tinyflame]

I don't know much. But his anger or control can mask much. I know he likely also wouldn't be able to be vulnerable with you, if he sensed you were considering cheating, don't you think?

Good luck. There's a lot at stake with children. I don't mean it in a mean way, but you have been in therapy probably a shorter time than your relationship, & both of you dealing with untreated or unmanaged ptsd would have been very difficult (for you, & on him).

 

[candor]

Does anyone of you find yourself doubting the partner you chose for similar reasons, and what did u do about it?

SG :)

I have lived in Denmark for 40 years. I came as a 22 year old from NYC thinking then that I knew all there was to know about men and relationships. I also have a very latin background and have dated men of all cultures. The world seems to have changed so much in terms of the empathy you seek. Please google this book called
Born for Love: Why Empathy Is Essential--and Endangered
So it may not be just your boyfriend but a struggle that has become everyone's struggle whether you are a dane, an american, a sufferer or a supporter. I no longer remember for sure what american men are like but I do know that irony and sarcasm is as common as drinking beer here in our little danish kingdom. Humor is such a great and cowardish defence mechanism. I believe that if you want the real truth then you need to discourage irony and sarcasm. On the other hand, changing the way we communicate with others can take years to change and learn even if you are serious about wanting to do it. You mention that he does not take you seriously. Another possibility is that he takes you very seriously but lacks the language skills to communicate that. It sounds from what you write that he puts an effort and does not yell which is a way of staying calm even if you sense otherwise. It seems like he has concerns about wanting to change behaviour that is difficult if not impossible to change. I know that as soon as someone stresses me or brings me down, I get quiet and then I just leave to another room or go for a walk. As long as there is no yelling, I can take it and I never talk when the emotions are high. I wait a few days.

I personally have become happier by forcing myself not to focus all that much at what is said by anyone. I have often found myself obsessing over something someone said and when I confront them, they either say the opposite or they say they don't remember saying it. So I try to pay less importance to words. I pay a lot of attention to how I am being treated instead. I insist more and more on respect.

I am not saying that everyone should ignore everything that everyone says. However, since I can only change myself I began by "desensitizing myself to words". It is a practice that I started in order to develop a thick skin. I try really hard not to expect change from anyone cause I got enough going on trying to change me. My goal is to make the stress around me gets less and less. I am offline and off devices in general for example. I hug more. This has really worked for me and I have no idea if it can or will for others.

The skills you say your boyfriend lack are rampant in Scandinavia and to my surprise, the author of that book I mentioned says that 25% of americans state that they trust no one with their secrets and private life. While 58% in 1960, believed that most can be trusted, it dropped to 32% in 2008. So we have less trust and close friends than ever before. Any neuroscientist can tell you that that is plain unheathy and the responsibility towards change lies in each and everyone of us. That really scares me. We must change ourselves , teach through example and be less distracted by others. Just my 2 cents.