ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

Yeah so I did do some numbing out and comfort eating, gosh I have so much work to do. I also made some better choices, didn't mindfully eat for all over it, but still not as bad as it can be, it could be a hell of a lot worse, so I didn't get a lot down today, but I got some stuff done. B was sick and stayed home, and we had a few nice moments.

 

[ninja]

Hey, perhaps progress sometimes is being engaged in a form of a less than positive behavior but being present whilst it is happening. I think that is a big step.

Also, giving a donkey a massage sounds like a funny experience. I laughed reading it because it was so unexpected. Thank you. :)

 

[ms spock]

I am tempted to start a thread about fun & entertaining things to do to distract yourself @NinjaWolf. It could be entertaining.

So some comfort eating last night, and then some more, and then comfort eating when S got here because her daughter has lost 13 kilos in a week, and they are opening her skull up and her wrist up to take some of the virus out to try to culture it. It sounds like she doesn't have long to live. OMG! And here am I complaining about my struggles, I feel a bit over self involved. But I am doing the best I can. It does kind of give me a bit of perspective.

I am really struggling with my eating. I did sleep in my bed last night with B, we moved rooms together, into the same one. I did the comfort eating.

I need to reread this one. When grounding leaves you flooded with being raped feelings

I comfort ate last night when I asked my partner what does he like about me and he said I am making him a better person, that I help people, that I am so positive and happy most of the time. Yeah what about seeing me? What is it about me that you like me? Anyway I was groomed in a certain way, to meet people's needs and I do behave in those ways, and I am willing to start to unpack that stuff.

I feel so lonely. It is a deep loneliness. And I don't want to feel the loneliness, I have avoided loneliness for a long time.

 

[ms spock]

I lost it a bit yesterday afternoon, and had two desserts, and I didn't even really want the second one, I just did it for something to do, and to fill up some uncomfortable space, so that is useful to know because I can bring stuff with me to actually help ground me.

Last night the fear of rape was there and I ate too much.

This morning I did okay. Having a tough day today. I had a tractor accident this morning, and I am in shock. I was extremely lucky and could have been killed so things really are going well for me today. My leg didn't get ripped off or managled either. Ah I was really looking to get a lot done today. But you need to be grounded before you do a whole stack of stuff.

 

[ms spock]

Okay so I didn't do so well yesterday, and it is good I am understanding the processes of my numbing and emotional regulation via eating food. I am noticing more. I am still in shock over my tractor accident.

If I can do profound Self Compassion Breaks and stop savaging myself all the time, which tips me into Corrosive Self Doubt, that could be most productive and useful.

I comfort ate this morning. I had some breakfast, which I didn't like that much so only ate half of it, and I had two bowls of weetbix. The food doesn't really matter, and my weight doesn't really matter, what matters is that I am getting very familiar with my patterns so eventually I will be able to make small adjustments, and then gradually manage better.

I am somatically experiencing of rape feelings which is making it very difficult to ground in my body and be present. It makes it very difficult to moderate my comfort eating and binge eating behaviours, though the binge eating behaviours have lessened considerably. I am still obese so that is a problem, but I am not beating myself up for that anymore. It is what it is. Radical Acceptance. And when I beat myself up for being obese then I binge eat much more.

The somatically experiencing of my rape feelings which is making it very difficult to ground in my body and be present, it also underpins my disordered eating.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Not sure if this would help or not.... I used to eat just because. I would eat sweets because I just loved them. And would eat them more than I should. At night, I would eat till I was stuffed and then go to bed.... Was gaining too much weight. Finally, I just said, I’ve had enough. I quit sugar. No sweets at all. It’s been about 5 months now and I don’t miss the sugar or sweets at all.

It was hard in the beginning, but after awhile it just becomes normal eating. I also gave up meat too the same day!

 

[ms spock]

On one hand if it was that easy I would just do it @She Cat, but on the other hand you are also correct.

I guess I would have to actually feel feelings about the alleged home I am living in. I would also have to feel about my relationship as well. It might well be that if I feel my feelings, and be present that my relationship ends, and I fear that. I really fear that.

So it is simple, and it is not simple.

 

[Deleted member 541]

@Disco Dancing Queen My other reasons were health issues. I have osteoarthritis, osteopenia, and plaque build up in my abdominal aorta. To name a few of my many many health issues. So, health issues were a mild concern. I actually don’t know the reason I stopped eating sugar, but just woke up one morning and said, “that’s it” and quit!!!!

 

[ms spock]

Thanks for your insight @She Cat! And that is great you woke up one morning and said "That's it!"

 

[ms spock]

If I feel my feelings I really fear that my relationship will end. That I would no longer put up with what I am living with in this house. If I gave up comfort eating and/or binge eating I guess I would have to actually feel feelings about the alleged home I am living in. I would say "No more! This is not good enough!"

So if I gave up my disordered eating then I would have to feel about my relationship and overall situation as well. It might well be that if I feel my feelings, and be present that my relationship would potentially end, & I fear that. I am terrified of being on my own.

 

[ms spock]

Junebug may well have an important point below! Yes I can stop casting myself as blame worthy and over all bad. I am not overall a worthless bad person who needs to be merciliessly hammered because I am so bad.

Try to be gentle on yourself, there's probably more to comfort-eating than any research understands at this moment (by which I don't mean it's insurmountable, just more complex and less 'self-blame-worthy' than you may 'feel').

The above really resonated with me. I am engaging in emotional reasoning in a big way, just because it feels true doesn't mean that it is true.

 

[ms spock]

I went to a Xmas do. I did okay. I am improving. I still had a second helping and desert. And I ate all the cherries when I came home. So not too good, but not too bad.

A woman told me today about her weight loss journey and it was interesting. People are doing the best that they can.