ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

I did go up on my medication, so that could also explain what is going on. I had forgotten that!

 

[ms spock]

I have f*cking had it. I have completely f*cking had it. I have f*cking had it. I have completely f*cking had it.

B came home yesterday and I started to comfort eat. (But then I went out and I didn't comfort eat, so that was an improvement).

I realised I am eating down all my anger and frustration about the house. I have f*cking had it.

I didn't comfort eat this morning, I went straight out for a walk with the dog, and YES I am filled with so much anger and frustration.

I have f*cking had it. I have completely f*cking had it. I have f*cking had it. I have completely f*cking had it.

I am so lonely and sad, so lonely and sad.

This year has been a f*cking waste of my time.

I thought I would finally get a safe place to live in this year, and it didn't come together. This is so shit.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Is it too late to find a place? No matter when you get it, sooner rather than later, it will be better for you. I thought you were moving already. This is a hard time of year. There is a lot going on for you. Just get through it however you can, then deal with the aftermath.

 

[ms spock]

I did move out, but then where I moved out to was not safe either, so I moved back in. I thought I would do house sitting, but then I had a tractor accident, which I escaped relatively unharmed. But I felt tired and I didn't want to move again so soon, but I do have to move. I am just so over things. I really thought it was going to work out at the other place.

 

[ms spock]

Last night I comfort ate a chocolate bar, then a large ferro roche, which I didn't even enjoy, and a bowl of weetbix. Then I felt sick. So yeah not going so well.

I need to not live in this house.

 

[ms spock]

So I told my partner that it feels like our relationship ending. We were discussing going to see my sister, which I am ambivalent because we trigger each other, and I thought I can't have this discussion without discussing the truth of the situation.

I said "Yeah it feels like our relationship is ending!" I will be interested if that means my disordered eating is more manageable. He disagrees, he said we are not even close, but I said it doesn't feel like that to me.

 

[ms spock]

Didn't eat as much. Did okay. It took the pressure off being honest. Something to remember?

I turned up and did what was needed to be done. I did some good and solid stuff as well.

Did some shopping and went okay.

Got through the day. Not too bad.

I let myself have one hot donut. That was okay. I was okay with it.

 

[ms spock]

I took a gingerbread man to bed last night. Comfort eating.

 

[ms spock]

Disordered eating is my life - so overwhelming!

So Xmas wasn't too bad, but not too good, had triple servings, numbed with food, did okay in some things, and felt so out of place and abandoned in some places, but okay in others. I have put on weight since trying to focus on my eating but had also gone up on my medication that the side effect is increases in my appetite, so I have dropped down to 150 mg now, so hopefully that will help.

We did three social engagements, and the went well mostly. Some insecurity and overwhelming.

And comfort ate today, did distract, and differ but it is such a huge part of my day planning for when I will have comfort from food. Trying to go back to my Self Compassion Breaks.

Any feelings in my body are the rape feelings flooding in, or those intense feelings of abandonment, and panic, or dissociation and not feeling I am real or the world is not real, so much different stuff totally floods in my body.

Embodiment is really hard. I feel so overwhelmed so quickly at times.

The shame is huge, and really overwhelming. I need to accept the shame and feel it, but it feels impossible at this time.

 

[BlackbirdSinging]

Holidays mean food. And we had a ton of it. Sitting at the dinner table happily digging in and being acutely aware of the size of my portions and whether or not I'm going to eat the whole portion. Eat one of these and part of that and some of this too. And importantly leave a little bit of everything if I can. And when dinner was over I got up and threw away what was left on my plate including all of my vegetables that I never touched. Not that I don't like vegetables but, I ate enough food and I didn't want to overdo it.

 

[ms spock]

Good you for getting through @BlackbirdSinging.

 

[ms spock]

Social situations are really f*cking hard going. I went out for lunch. I planned for us to leave half an hour early, and we got there on time. I feel anxious about these people, but I feel anxious about most people. I didn't really over eat. I think I did okay. Actually I did really well.

So I went to my music lesson. I am at the point of struggling being present in my body, and play my instrument. I have to be able to be in my body to make music with other people. To learn this skill is one of the reasons that I took up a musical instrument. My music teacher reflected back to me what the challenges are in my current musical instrument playing and I said yes it is a big challenge and problem in my life. My music teacher talked to me a lot after my lesson, he was really kind. I left and cried. Then I came home and comfort ate two nectarines, and a mango.

Right now I desperately want to binge eat because I feel very upset. I feel very overwhelmed. I feel worn out. I feel like I have so much to do in my recovery.

The feelings under the eating are really tough and hard going to stick with or stay with.