ED Disordered eating

[mumstheword]

I agree very much @Living in the 70s with what you say. You've done so much work!
&...

I'm sure I'm eating enough. My stomach has shrunk though. I treated my self to a lunch out yesterday, a special fancy shamcy pea falafel with beetroot houmus and I couldn't even finish it! I'm so excited about this! :-) I still have about 18kgs to lose. I'm cutting carbs down to a minimum, have done low carb before and lost easily and healthily. I'm listening to my body.:-)

 

[lovak]

@Living in the 70s
Thank you so much for your message! I am waiting now to start therapy again, its in two weeks. About water, when my ED was at its worst I would constantly drink water, so I really dont like that anymore.
Honestly, I think I know perfectly well what to do. Im embracing this unhealthy mindset right now because Im distracting myself from whats really going on inside my head.

Whenever I do feel good in a day, I do eat.

 

[ms spock]

So today I ate regular portions and I ate moderately as well. I didn't eat too much. I did really well today, in another social situation.

It is very different when you are not stuffed full of food all the time. That has been a very unusual physical propriceptive experience. It is a very different way of way being. I never realised that this was a thing.

It is still a shock at what a normal portion size looks like, and feels like in my body, but I am really improving.

 

[ms spock]

I didn't do so well with my eating tonight. I ate over my points for WW, but not by much. I got thrown by the changing circumstances in the cafe which had double lines of people, and the whole street had been closed down for an event. Still an overall improvement in eating out in a social situation.

I went to meditation tonight. We had a black out. The nun is going away, which is sad. Everyone is always going away. The thing is that I have been holding back as well.

 

[ms spock]

So I am on the cusp of 74/73 kilos, and my goal weight is 72 kilos which means I would no longer be overweight. So I am making progress, and I look forward to all the health benefits that come with that.

The major thing is that I am no longer numb from food all the time. This is really very difficult. It is a whole change of being in my body, being around other people, and actually having feelings, it is a huge change.

Overall I am much more moderate with my eating. I did have two banana milkshakes last night made from live yoghurt to assist with getting over having 4 courses of antibiotics. I still am shocked at how small a regular portion of food is, I would eat a couple of portions of food whilst cooking, or serving up! No wonder I was obese! The other thing was I never had a change to learn how to emotionally regulate as a child, and so along with a lot of other maladaptive survival practices, I also engaged in disordered eating from a very small child. It is still really hard a lot of the time, and I am at loss to know how to deal with many things, but overall there is distinct improvement.

I am now dealing with the pain of disconnection/connection and that is really tough, but it is the next arena to work on. I am so lucky to have had a chance to get to this point. All those years living in an unsafe and dangerous housing commission flat, and I was so frustrated at how little progress I made, well you can't make progress in such a situation.

 

[ms spock]

I am no longer numb from being in a food coma most of the time. This is a remarkable change for me in my life. I really had given up hope of ever doing something like this, I just kept working on things, the tiny little steps that I needed to make to make some progress, and to get some traction. I have formed new habits around eating! The other challenge for me was I never had a chance to learn how to emotionally regulate as a child, and so along with a lot of other maladaptive survival practices, I also engaged in disordered eating from a very small child. It is still really hard a lot of the time, and I am at loss to know how to deal with many things, but overall there is distinct improvement.

I still am shocked at how small a regular portion of food is, I would eat a couple of portions of food whilst cooking, or serving up! No wonder I was obese!

 

[ms spock]

I ate okay yesterday, I was a couple of points under getting a blue dot so I ate last night, which I didn't need to bring it up to a blue dot in WW. Next time I won't do that. It is okay to be under a blue dot once or twice a month. The main thing is that I am not so often over the blue dots, or always at the top of the blue dots, it is good to have a few points to roll over.

I feel terribly anxious right now.

 

[ninja]

Congratulations @Living in the 70s for all of the work you have done to improve your health and better meet your needs! You are really turning things around for yourself, bit by bit in a sustainable, stable way I think. To be able to walk through the present health issues and other stresses in your life and continue to make progress on this is awesome. I hope that as you start to transition into working on the connection/disconnection you can bring with you a bit of confidence from all of the work you have done on the ED, and the trauma and everything else. . and remember how capable and valuable you are. Much respect.

 

[ms spock]

So I am doing this. I am working on it. I am eating moderately. I am not numb in a food coma. I am doing okay with this today, so far. Small amounts of comfort eating now and then, like last night, but much reduced from what I used to do. It will take several years for this to become a steadfast habit for me, so I will monitor myself through Weight Watchers for a couple of years, once I get to where I want to be. My eating has changed dramatically since the beginning January, it has been a lot of hard work, but it has been well worth it. I need to learn more self soothing and emotional regulation practices.

 

[ms spock]

Last night I went out and didn't eat out, except a couple of chips off B's plate and a taste of his main meal. I didn't need food to love me or comfort me. I actually didn't need food as a buffer. So another social occasion where I didn't eat my feelings and stayed with how I was feeling. So practising, and practising eating socially now.

I went to a Weight Watcher's meeting this morning, so that was good. I find it hard to focus on this stuff as much at the moment, maybe I am improving and don't need to?

 

[ms spock]

Comfort eating last night. Crappy night sleep. Very agitated sleeping.

 

[lovak]

Yeahhhhhh Im not really eating much anymore except for my binges because of my medication. Im so scared of gaining.

Controlling what i eat, or especially not eat, is taking over so much right now.
The binges are triggering it big time.

Im just happy my husband is usually home so i wont/cant purge.

At the same time I want to purge so bad everytime I binge to get rid of the guilt.

I know I should. But I want to embrace the eating disorder so bad right now because then, food is all thats on my mind. Theres no place for anything else exept not eating and exercise. No place for the bad stuff.. no place for the good stuff either but Ill take that for granted right now.