ED Disordered eating

[ms spock]

Working on this again..... I've added a yogurt parfait (Greek yogurt, Maine blueberries, sliced almonds) along with a few supplements back to my menu for breakfast and I'm also eating a balanced lunch, seeking to get a great deal of protein into my diet, lower carbs, and a balanced GI tract. The rest of the day's meals are going to have to get in line as this is what I seem to be able to manage right now as my mind is freaking out over my weight being so high. This former AN is not used to this AT ALL! :( I'm glad that I at least am able to look at this as a matter of health and not the distorted needs of perfectionism.

It's great that you are eating well.

Also, working with my thinking and my emotions, being aware of triggers and circling never/ever/forever lies along with black and white thinking.

I am aware of this as well.

I'm also trying to wrangle with FEAR as it seems to drive my nervous system these days with what I have on deck right now.

I am having problems with this as well.

I did try to start daily walking back on Easter. I was enjoying it a lot, but on day 4 I somehow managed to flip over into the grass causing a very bad sprain with substantial bruising and swelling of my foot/ankle and halfway up my shin/calf. At least I think it was a sprain; I can walk on it. At any rate, I'm still in pain although I have been stretching it. Anyway, I was very bummed out, and am hoping I'm better soon as I think walking helps all the way around with my mental, spiritual, and physical health.

I hope that you feel better soon!

I'm kind of taking a holistic approach right now. I am working on self-care, and trying to sustain myself while I get a job and find housing. I did see two more positions at schools today although I'd be an administrator. I'm thinking it might be easier/better for me to go this route as those are the skills I've always used in my work life, just not in a school setting.

That sounds like a good plan.

If I'm hired, maybe they'd consider helping me to work on certification so that I could teach one day.

What does that involve?

It's a very hard exam; the math portion scares the pants off of me.

Math scares me too.

This is where I seem to be at in my journey with ED and trauma, and in building/rebuilding a life worth living right now. Daily and hourly battles most days, but for today, I seem to be a bit more focused.

Focus is good. I am working on focus.

It helps to know that I'm not alone and to see how others keep trying to go forward despite the challenges they face.

I find that really useful to read what other people going through and how they are managing. It really helps to know I am not alone.

I guess we're all getting polished into diamonds in this big old rock tumbler of life.

We are certainly getting some polishing.

 

[ms spock]

I appreciate hearing about where you are at, your thoughts, insights and realizations @VioletButterfly ?

Me too!

I am at a point in my healing/recovery where I am beginning to actually see that I have the choice to see myself as someone still struggling sometimes with: an eating disorder or the remnants of an eating disorder or as someone enough recovered that I can move on from ED.

That's big.

I am beginning to see more clearly that really honestly I'm good.

It is great to shift that perspective of yourself.

My fear of letting go of ED is maybe partially keeping me from fully trusting myself and my body.

I find the trusting myself thing really scary.

I am kind to myself more than I am harsh towards myself. It is a rare day when I feel self-hatred.

That is phenomenal. That is great.

I feel increasingly less shame, am more confident and assertive.

Feeling less shame is a big shift, and lots of work.

I am a healthy weight-- I can see that even as I'm still not quite where I'd like to be.

That's good.

My genuine goal is health. I'm enough healed that I know what that means.

That's great.

I'm flexible about eating out and eating all kinds of different foods.

That's really great.

I am carrying a little more weight than I think is ideal for my body, but that has allowed me to experiment with weight gain and loss, with flexible eating, with changes in plans, with listening to my body, with working through fear foods, letting go of restriction. I now trust I will not starve myself or go overboard in any which way. I suspect there's more to learn still, but this letting go is part of the natural process I think. It doesn't feel forced.

That's huge for ED. Way to go.

 

[ms spock]

Thank you for sharing. It's so encouraging to see what you've accomplished and where you're at with this. I especially like the focus on "health" instead of weight. I feel better when my mind is similarly focused. :)

The health focus is great.

I read back through some of my older posts on this thread... Whewwww...... All over the map! Work in progress for sure. I'm being fairly constant with eating early in the day, but evenings are still problematic. I'm going to try to start having a small smoothie just to get me started. I think I need some structure in this regard. Oy! Where's my magic wand?!

Yeah where's MY magic wand?! LOL

I have been finding some magic beans of sorts in the form of finding/experiencing a lot of good supportive messaging lately: I saw a wonderful Oprah show yesterday that really hit home with me; I've been catching episodes of Joyce Meyer who is telling me what I need to hear right now; I found a wonderful article on the Tiny Buddha website concerning HSPs that is helping me with unconditional patience and compassion toward myself; I've been rediscovering the Kristin Neff website exercises and trying to be my own best friend; and I'm fully experiencing unconditional love, encouragement and support through my faith.

They are great things to be doing for yourself.

Hoping everyone is having a good day thus far. Sending some of the abundant sunshine I've got going on outside of my window today.

Hey right back at you! We have awesome sun today!

 

[ms spock]

I am struggling with this again. Ironically more so whilst I am writing in this thread, and it brings back to me that most of the time I am doing really but my own self attack is the main problem.

 

[ninja]

@ms spock I also find with ED issues I tend to "do worse" when I give it direct attention for too long. It is a very strange, somewhat elusive yet seemingly ever-present thing to work through and heal from. ?

 

[ms spock]

Interesting insight @Ninja - thanks for that!

 

[VioletButterfly]

@ms spock - Thank you for going through responses in segments and providing comments. It really helps me to see what I've written and also what @Ninja has written in a different context. It seems to accentuate thoughts that I tend to run together, and that's so very important. It makes me pause, and see "thoughts" and consider them in a different light, a more focused way. I hope that makes sense to you. It also helps me to really see what I've said, and how another (you) is interpreting and responding to it. I don't get any feedback in real-time as I have no one to speak with about these things, so really, really do appreciate your sharing in this way. Much appreciated. :)

I'm struggling a great deal right now. I've slipped off my plan, and am not eating enough early in the day nor taking my supplements. I know this affects my thinking and how I feel, but am wallowing in the unfairness of my life right now. I've started back today with reading my devotional and faith practices in trying to back down fear and the lies, and building up internal muscles to hopefully resemble so version of courage to move forward in trying to secure employment and a new residence. So daunting and complicated. Doing what I can, but feel that I need to do more.

So, I'm starting again today to try to help myself. On the downside, I've skipped breakfast because I slept too late and know that I'm pushing time out by posting here and drinking tea instead of eating. On the upside, I have read my devotional and have tried to be in community and express myself here, and I am planning on a job search taking place here in a few. It is also my plan is to start working on my resume as it needs to be stripped down. I hear it's quite the summer read and employers won't spend time reading a resume past 34 seconds. Nice huh - over a decade of work history spun down into 34 seconds.

Onward, one day at a time..... Hoping and praying you all are having a good day. Sending light and much warmth. VB

 

[ms spock]

@ms spock - Thank you for going through responses in segments and providing comments. It makes me pause, and see "thoughts" and consider them in a different light, a more focused way. I hope that makes sense to you.

I absolutely understand. I seek responses to what I have said on this forum and I find it illuminating at times.

It also helps me to really see what I've said, and how another (you) is interpreting and responding to it. I don't get any feedback in real-time as I have no one to speak with about these things, so really, really do appreciate your sharing in this way. Much appreciated. :)

Right back at you!

I'm struggling a great deal right now. I've slipped off my plan, and am not eating enough early in the day nor taking my supplements.

Me too! I even let my Weight Watchers membership lapse, after a year of totally tracking each day. I thought I would be a member for the rest of my life.

I know this affects my thinking and how I feel, but am wallowing in the unfairness of my life right now.

I feel for you.

So, I'm starting again today to try to help myself.

That's great.

I hear it's quite the summer read and employers won't spend time reading a resume past 34 seconds. Nice huh - over a decade of work history spun down into 34 seconds.

Good Luck! That's a bit rough!

Onward, one day at a time..... Hoping and praying you all are having a good day. Sending light and much warmth. VB

Right back at you!

 

[VioletButterfly]

So, today I awoke early, was very tired, drank tea, ate a yogurt parfait and took supplements, read my devotional, looked for jobs, took a shower, ate lunch....... Still tired, but trying to focus as I'm determined to get some job apps in today. Tick tock.

I really thought a lot about what I wrote yesterday, and a whole lot about what I didn't include in the post but chose to throw it into my journal and why. That's a loaded proposition I'll work on at some point this week.

At the end of the day, I guess recovery, for me, comes down to whether or not I want to live a life worth living and what I am prepared to try to do if I want to live said life worth living. I remember reading a post on an ED website that was asking if the other person had decided whether or not they really wanted to recover. I couldn't quite reason that through at the time. I think that might involve deeper reasons why I lost myself in AN/ED in the first place and then an accounting of all that I've lost because of it, and even why, sometimes, I want to be that way again. Wheeewww..... Talk about loaded questions. So, well, maybe later....much.....

So, what does a life worth living look like to me right now? I think it would involve living without maladaptive coping mechanisms running me and my life though that is difficult for me to really embrace right now, that I'd be functioning enough to work and provide for myself, that I'd have some friends and a family of choice, that I might have a partner, that I would be able to enjoy things I once did - writing, reading, playing piano, arts and crafts, spending time in nature, cooking and creating recipes, studying history and philosophy and all things nutrition/health related, and to maybe have a cozy home where no one would tell me to leave.

This is what I envision now, but I'm not sure I'll be able to feel good about those things again. I feel very different than I did even just a few years ago before taking on caring for my mom. I can't even really articulate what I went through, what I felt/still feel, and what I endured during that time, or even how I feel now about the family situation that I am left with without really having a meltdown or crydown about it. I know I am different, broken in a different way now than before. I was already quite a wreck and loaded with all kinds of baggage, and dysfunctions and symptom's from longstanding traumas, but this was so profound that I think it really bruised my soul in a different way. Anyway, I guess the above description of a life worth living gives me something to shoot for, but I'm also trying to keep in mind that it may take moving through some levels of recovery and being mindful of my expectations v. realities, and being compassionate and accepting with my responses. I just don't want to build something up based upon what I enjoyed or envisioned in the past as my "happy place" only to get to a better place/healthier place than I am now and to not acknowledge or appreciate it. I'm getting ahead of myself. I think that's a character flaw, but I'm a planner so it's hard to stay in the "day." My faith and what I've learned in the 12 Step programs all tell me to stay in today because that is as much as I can manage. They're right.

Sorry for the ramble. Sending light, warmth, and reading glasses. :) VB

 

[ms spock]

Really not doing well with this. I went to a workshop and overate yesterday afternoon.

 

[VioletButterfly]

@ms spock - Sending strength and compassion.

 

[VioletButterfly]

Have been doing pretty well for me over the past couple of days, but see myself boarding the Breakfast Tea train this morning and not wanting to eat. Holding myself accountable here. I will take vitamins and have toast this morning and chicken/vegetables at Noon. I need to put together my yogurt/fruit cups so that they'll be at the ready. Striving to place my anxiety with One who is bettersuited to deal with it and to keep moving forward today.