Welp, I went to the library today to return some books. I also went browsing and found a lot of books, as per usual. :) I need to lose weight for my health. This slammed on me while taking care of my mom and her estate - the stress fried my HPA Axis. So, well.... here I go. I've done a lot of research online and today I picked up a few books on healing my body and healthy recipe cookbooks that might help in this regard.
I think I've mentioned that I've been doing additional reading and researching on CPTSD in one of my thread responses. I've also spent some time re-reading old journal entries. I've been a bit gobsmacked by what I found in the journal entries in terms of how I've rewritten some of my history. I'm still grappling with some of this. Germain to this discussion, however, is why I freaked out so much when I lost weight earlier in this summer and ended up stepping back from the Forum and everything else. It has to do with core beliefs, how I was raised, how my mother and sister and just that culture of where I grew up treated women, worth, expectations..... How I responded and how I responded to others who responded to me when I was thin. It has a lot to do with body image, identity, self-worth.... I know I'm missing some of what I want to put in here, but maybe just the broad strokes for now. I don't want to go too far or too deep. When I was very thin when I was younger, I acted out "a lot." When I lost weight again as an older person, I got a lot of attention, I thought differently, I left my ex-partner, I acted out "once" and it sent me into a bad, destructive tizzy. I walled off with regard to guys. It's been a dark time, but I was trying to build a life through work, healing, etc... Then, my mother's stuff landed again - the weight has come back due to the stress on my body and resulting damage to my body. So, no one has been looking at me, paying attention to me, or bothering me. There as been no temptation to respond as I was programmed to do.
I think what I've learned or am beginning to learn through this latest episode is that I am not an object, I have innate worth that warrants respect, I am more than how I look - I am more than my body whether its fluffy or slim, I don't need a man to "want" me sexually in order to validate a messed up core belief, I don't deserve to have my body taken and abused without my permission either no matter how I look - I am more than a means to an end for a man or woman, I need to make decisions in my life based upon what is good and right for me and no one else right now. I'm still working this out in case it isn't apparent from what I've written, but I at least wanted to put it out here. I'm only as sick as my secrets and the more I hide this away from the light, the stronger it appears to me. I want to be able to be healthy and most likely thinner, and to be able to feel safe with myself that I won't lose my mind and slip back into that pattern of looking to others/men for validation of my female self. I deserve better. Phew.... tired now and feeling a bit sad. :(
