Dissociation And Lost Time - How Much Is Normal?

[theshadowoftheliving]

I can't locate a thread that directly explains this. I lose time sometimes. Sit down to rest for a minute, then suddenly a large gap of time has passed and I haven't even moved.

I'm not worried about five or ten lost minutes here and there. What I'm worried about is the hour or two or five that my brain seems to zone out for when I'm under stress sometimes. IT's like I become almost catatonic during these episodes. And I feel time moving, kind of, but it's sped up and faster and I can't grasp it or hold it or stop it. And it's not sleep, although I feel immobile AS IF I'm asleep. I hear everything around me. It just doesn't register verbally and cognitively (I could hear someone approach, for example, or identify someone breaking in ...)

In anycase, I know that time loss is a normal part of dissociation. But how much lost time is normal, and how much is cause for concern? How much time do you lose? Where is the line of what I should be concerned about?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Normal dissociation as in what normal people experience or normal dissociation as in what ptsd people experience?

Well, I guess it doesn't matter as your level of dissociation appears to be outside the realm of just ptsd and more in the realm of a dissociative disorder as well.

 

[Friday]

No idea what's normal. For the past 18 mo or so... It's been about 5-15 hours a day.

If it's on the lower end? Then instead of losing time staring at infinity, or lost in my memories, it's usually flashbacks that kick into anxiety attacks. If it's on the upper end? Vice versa. Anxiety attacks that kick into flashbacks which kick into seriously zoning out.

For me, it's pretty much a byproduct of avoiding my best-grounding techniques. AKA sex, fighting, gravity sports (pay attention or get smooshed). Unfortunately, nothing less than really works for me when I'm running hot. Not for more than a few minutes of peace. Those, meanwhile, stomp on what's going on and last hours. I'll be fine. Perfectly myself. Sometimes for even a day or three, until a nightmare or stressor ramps me back up into needing to bleed it off. But if I keep hitting them with 'Be Here Now'? While also working in blunting my reactions to them? Shrug. It worked once. But it's also very much a kill or cure.

Round1 with PTSD 15 some odd years ago I'd go pick a fight, or pick up a guy, or go surfing, or get up to my eyeballs in some kind of trouble. Burn off the rage & be super connected to what's going on around me one way or another.

Round2? It was so hard not to go do these things that the first 18mo I've bitten my own knuckle until it bled, spent time curled up shaking with the effort of tryin to disconnect my mind from my muscles before I went out to beat the ever lovin shit outta someone who effin deserves it, damn near lost it and brought home a beautiful boy to f*ck senseless I don't know how many times. Gah. So. Frustrating.

Now, though? This second 18mo... Firestorm is still there. But it smolders instead of lashing out and burning off. I've got a choke hold on my own leash. Gone too far in the other direction, and it eats time for breakfast.

When I can give my leash some play? Lash out in a controlled way instead of an explosive way? I quit losing so much damn time sitting and staring at nothing.

I so suck at this balance, thing.

 

[Go Hungry]

Really don't know the answer, and I do more a co-consciousness sort of thing. I don't lose time, per se.. I just spend lots of it wrapped up in my alts individual worlds, then at some point come out of it. I liken it to being spirit-ridden, like in voodoo.. You know who you are, but somebody else is in charge. Can last minutes, hours, sometimes days. :confused:

 

[Ice_Fire]

Erm, 'normal' dissociation? For someone who doesn't have PTSD or a dissociative disorder, then it's generally a short amount of time, certainly not hours. Think highway hypnosis or something, like driving a route you know very well and you get to the destination without really remembering the journey. Or maybe it's just daydreaming, like in class when you don't pay attention to what's being said. That comes under 'normal dissociation'.

With PTSD and/or a dissociative disorder too, it's not quite so easy to determine what's an acceptable amount. Losing time because you're stuck in a flashback, can last minutes or hours. Dissociating in the way you describe is more along the dissociative disorder lines, if there's not been a real trigger and you just zone out. If it's day dreaming type stuff then that's not much of a worry, but losing 'an hour or five' is quite a lot of time without a cause. Have you spoken to your therapist or doctor about it?

 

[desiderata310]

No idea. Full hour? A couple? Stare at the computer screen, fingers hovering and not moving for ... who knows how long

Like @FridayJones anxiety kicks into a flashback or vice versa? Those are the high ends of things. The whole day is usually lost for me. The flashbacks.. I don't think last too long but the aftermath of them knocks the whole day on its ass. There for about 4 months it was almost daily. It's calmed down a bit. I'm on about day 6 without a flashback. I'm doing well.

Low end stuff? I can do a full 40 mile ride and not remember a moment of it. That's 40 miles on a road bike with cars whipping next to my head at 60 mph for 2-3 hours. No idea how the ride went. Don't remember drinking the gatoraide or eating the GU's. I know there's some 'normal' dissociation in that but I used to ride for miles before and I'd still at least remember parts of the ride. Now I can't even really tell you where all or how far I rode unless i have the gps thing turned on. I have to be careful about when I chose to go riding or running. I can literally get lost and if I have to be back somewhere by a certain time that's a really bad thing.

When I can manage the frustration of riding with a group it works better for me. Again like @FridayJones. She has gravity sports, I have peleton riding. Lose track of what my neighbor or the riders in front of me are doing and we are all going to have a really bad day. Road rash will be the least of our problems if we are on a busy road.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

I struggle with naming this as a problem. I always wonder if I'm being dramatic, wonder if there's nothing wrong with me other than being high strung, you know? I'll have a couple good days, no dissociation, nothing weird, all normal, and I'll convince myself that I'm perfectly fine. But I feel like it's taking a lot of energy to not think about how I feel in those good days, and then I'll crash. It's like I'm just so emotionally exhausted that I can't stand to push myself anymore, and I'll sit or lay down under the auspices of resting and then BOOM, time gone.

Sometimes flashbacks happen with this. Sometimes it's like I'm living in the past. And sometimes it's just nothingness. Usually, I can control it somewhat, pulling myself out of it if I absolutely have to, showing up to work and participating like a normal person, etc. so I always thought that this meant it wasn't a problem?

But I guess the consensus is that I should be worried about this ....

I don't currently have a therapist. But, I'm meeting with a new one at the end of this week, so hopefully that will work out ....

 

[Vulnerasti Cor]

wow, I feel less crazy reading these posts because they're familiar to me, I'm not the only one. The Shadow: love your description. One thing occurs to me in talking about dissociative disorders: how psychology at some point divorced most mental illnesses from the TRAUMA it used to be acknowledged was the origin. What's the "official' description of dissociation related to PTSD? Anyone know? To me, they sure seem to go together naturally. Lately, I'll seem to lose hours or even days, like "How is it Friday?" This is all continuum though, not complete blank-outs.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Ice_Fire @Solara Does this REALLY sound like a dissociative disorder??

My panic buttons are going off now. There's always been a secret part of my brain that worries that I have DID and now that parts screaming "I told you so!". Ugh. Stop, brain. It makes me want to curl up in the chair and not think at all ..... And herein lies the problem, I guess.

 

[Ice_Fire]

I can't tell you that lovely, I'm sorry. I don't know you enough, I'm not qualified etc. All I can say, is the level of dissociation you've described is further along the spectrum than is typical for PTSD. That means you could have 'dissociative disorder not otherwise specified', it could be 'dissociative amnesia' (although you seem aware of the time passing so unlikely), you could have DID. Or you could just have a higher level of zoning out than your typical ptsd sufferer, but it not be classed as a dissociative disorder specifically.

I have DID, with almost complete amnesia when an alter has been out, to the point where I still sometimes don't think it's true, but it's the only explaination. My therapist has said I have DID, my alters interact with people etc. So given my reluctance to accept my own diagnosis, I can't confidently say what exactly is going on for you.

Please talk to a therapist, bring it up straight away if you can when you meet them. Let them know how much it's bothering you. Heck, print out a copy of this thread and hand it over. I wish I could be more helpful.

 

[theshadowoftheliving]

@Ice_Fire sorry, I know you can't diagnose me. Apologies for even implying that.

I'm seeing a potential therapist later this week, so I'm hoping it works out. If not, I'll keep looking. And in the meantime I'll hold it together ....

Which is, really, the root of my panic. How can I function sososososo well professionally and be such a mess emotionally? How is this woman who has multiple college degrees and a laundry list of professional achievements and awards the same person as the woman who curls up in bed and loses hours upon hours of time?

I'm working on finding a therapist. Really, I am. I promise.

 

[desiderata310]

@theshadowoftheliving
The same way I do it.
No idea really but the brain is an adaptive little thing.