Relationship Dissociation Hurts So Bad....what To Do?

[HEART BROKEN]

Another emotional affair..... :notworthy: :mad: :wtf:

Last night my husband told me he has a "stalker" only after I asked him why he changed his status on Facebook, removing our anniversary date? He elaborated by saying that someone he has known for a while (used to work with) was his emotional go-to person while he was going through his severe dissociation phase (starting 6 months ago). Since things have improved with us, he pulled back from this women, but to his suprise she believed their relationship to be much more. She is putting demands on him - she claims she may have breast cancer now, needing her own emotional support and repeatedly asks him to take her to her doctor appointments, calls, and texts. Since he keeps telling her no and emotionally withdrew from her she is now threatening him, being persistant and threatening to contact me?? He claims there has been no physical contact/cheating (kissing or sex), just emotional because he couldn't talk to me (UGH). He says things escalated in the last week and previous day saying he was trying to take care of it, but that it is making matters worse.

Sigh....

I feel hurt. The intellectual adult tells me he has hurt me.
I feel angry. The ex wife of a habitual lier and cheater is pissed.
I feel compassion. The wife of a husband with complex PTSD - years of sexual, physical and emotional abuse - leading to no understanding of boundaries feels empathy for him.

He apologized a few times, even told me he loves me twice (last time prior to that was IDK.... a year ago ?!) I was up all night with a flood of emotions and images, trying to make sense of things. I think what makes things worse for me is that I got wind of this person and her attachment to him (FB stuff, flirting, comments, constant LOL's) quite some time ago. I voiced my concerns and his lack of boundaries - he basically told me I was crazy AND now we are HERE. I deserve a BIG "I told you so moment" and GOD knows what else. Feeling a little lost today. :(

 

[deaj09]

I totally feel for you as my situation with my husband (combat ptsd) is somewhat similar it has been over 12 years of a rollercoaster ride in hell as I read above and I'm just so tired…. I only can read what you have written as I can't bring myself to type out my story yet, just know you are not alone.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

:wideeyed: Another update on my emotional rollercoaster ride......

We had our weekend away for our anniversary. He suprised me by giving me my wedding rings and wearing his. :inlove: The weekend was relatively stress free and care free. Felt great! Reconnected. Talked about us and our relationship.

Work remains a stressor for him. He considered leaving yet another job after only 6 months (which is a record for him), until yesterday when he shared that he had an "epiphany" and thinks he should stick it out.

Well his work epiphany was short lived. Since our return he announced he just can't handle the stress with work anymore. He started having violent nightmares about staff members. He contacted one of his previous supervisors and is now considering a 2 step back position, including a major pay cut! I voiced concern on our finances, but his response was "don't I deserve peace in my life?" :depressed: We have been married 8 years at this point. In those 8 years he has had well over 25 jobs, including 2 lay offs. The kicker is he loves to spend money. Any chance he gets! :nailbiting: Financial insecurity is a problem for me. UGH :grumpy: I love this guy, but I just can't keep up emotionally with him! I asked him not to make an emotional based decision, but it fell on deaf ears.

Is it wrong of me to wonder or even expect him to ever have real peace? Will something always be a stressor or trigger because of the PTSD? His anxieties? His lack of coping skills? Will we always be up against some sort of crisis? Or is that my lack of reality? Is that just life?

 

[adriftatsea]

I definitely feel for you and your situation. My husband and myself went through something very similar to you about 3 years ago except we don't have any children. This was prior to him being diagnosed with PTSD. But one day he came home and told me he wasn't sure if he still loved me or wanted to be with me and even started basically ignoring me, didn't want to talk to me, and even started going out to a bar in the evenings with co-workers. He did start seeing a psychologist/psychiatrist and they diagnosed him with a major depression. Similar to you I felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest and stomped on. I didn't know what to do, I didn't know what to think or feel, and I had no one to talk to because I was too embarrassed to tell my parents or friends because I knew what their answer would be, but they didn't realize that just 3-4 months ago we had a happy, health relationship.

I educated myself on depression and decided I wasn't going to push him any which direction. I didn't engage in any 'serious' conversations unless he started them but just kept things light and tried to allow him to work through whatever he was going through. He admitted it wasn't me, it was him and tried my best to take this to heart as I knew it was true. He had brought up talks about getting divorced and I told him that it was his decision to make. I wasn't going to force anything on him and wouldn't leave him unless he wanted me to, because deep down I knew this was the depression talking.

This went on over a period of 3-4 months and was a roller coaster. I was waiting on something to happen, the bottom to fall out, but I'm assuming after his medications kicked in or I'm not sure what, but things slowly started going back to normal and now that we know he has PTSD and was undiagnosed then and have talked about it more openly, he was extremely stressed and triggered with his graduate program and his mind was in a self preservation mode and wanted him to just run and flee.

It's not easy, but no matter what happens you just need to take care of your self and realize that even if things don't go the way you want them to, that you will be okay.

 

[adriftatsea]

Is it wrong of me to wonder or even expect him to ever have real peace? Will something always be a stressor or trigger because of the PTSD? His anxieties? His lack of coping skills? Will we always be up against some sort of crisis? Or is that my lack of reality? Is that just life?

I only have my experiences to base this, and my husband has only been 'officially' diagnosed 1 year, but struggling with it his whole life. I think it is a lot for your to expect him to have real peace. I'm not sure what his trauma is stemmed from, but from what I've read, there is no quick cure, there is no magical fix and individuals with PTSD struggle with the disorder their whole life. It's always an uphill battle. My husband will take 3 steps forward and 5 steps back, 2 steps forward and 3 steps back. From what I've read on here, many suffers end up in therapy for years and years and don't make a whole lot of progress and again I'm sure it depends on what their trauma stems from, how much help their therapist is actually providing, and their own individual progress.

From my experience there will always be stressors and triggers as that is just life. Neurotypical people who do have better coping skills are able to deal with these stressors a lot easier than the sufferers we love. So in a way, you may need to make a decision or readjust your expectations of reality to fit exactly that, your current reality and situation. I think there will always be roller coasters, curve balls, and stressors.

But I definitely sympathize for you and your situation. My best advice and try to continue educating yourself about it and maybe try to find a new way to discuss your financial concerns with your partner in order to get him to understand where you're coming from.