Relationship Dissociation Hurts So Bad....what To Do?

[HEART BROKEN]

1Corinthians 13:4 "Love is PATIENT!!", but how long can you hear "I feel nothing for you", "I am numb to you", "I don't see you", yet haven't made a decision to leave because you recognize that you may not survive without me, but not sure you can survive as you are with me considering how you feel (or don't) about me? Hmmmmm :cautious:

Patiently waiting for a shift....in one direction or another....

 

[desiderata310]

Good. This is a shift for you. This puts you into a position of ... power isn't the right word but is certainly makes it easier to breathe. The onus is on him to figure it out; not you to convince him of anything.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Bad week....
I'm going in for an extra therapy session tonight. Losing any sight of hope at this point. He repeatedly says he is numb, feels nothing, hates work, hates our marriage, hates himself, and that he won't change. Is angry with me for being nice to him and having a sense of peace around him?!?! It hurts so badly to hear his words. It hurts worse because it surfaced my own issues of low self esteem and abandonment being thrown in my face with the inevitable coming. He wants me to make the decision of calling it quits, but I wont. I can't bring myself to do it based on my faith. Trying to finish a book on Christian marriages which at this point is just salt in my wounds.

Off to a rough start with my first time on-line courses too this week.

Sigh....Cry....Sniff...

 

[HEART BROKEN]

We decided in therapy on some compromises. He will stop using hurtful words towards our relationship, due to my issues and frankly it just hurts! and I will stop being supportive and sharing positive peaceful personal insight. So the problem I'm having is that I get he can't handle my way of thinking and it angers and frustrates him right now, but then what do we share? He told me about 6 weeks ago and again recently he had nothing to say to me because it was all bad, well I feel like I have nothing to say to him now because all that I have to say is good and encouraging and hopeful, and feel like he is rejecting my love. I can carry on about my day superficially, but why? His mind is so overloaded he won't hear what I'm saying. He doesn't want me to text him and sometimes is gone 12 hours a day, so I feel very alone, well the truth is even when he is home I feel alone.

I will continue therapy twice weekly for now - for the support and reassurance. It's been 3 months now since his severe dissociation, although we have become more intimate in therapy - he's recently shared more painful details of his childhood trauma with me. Guess for him it IS hard to feel good about anything when you are feeling so badly. I've read other sufferer's posts that they have had similar dissociative episodes lasting ? 6-9 months or even longer. I'm curious as to what then? How do you suffers then feel? Does it (your feelings) just return? Is there something that jars you back to change how you are feeling or not feeling?

He asked me last night if I think he will ever [recover] - don't remember his exact words? He can't handle therapy more than once a week and has thought about not continuing, but hasn't just yet. I just don't know.... It is human nature to doubt, so I am trying to keep FAITH.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Had therapy myself last night - a few things became clearer for me.

1) Feeling "rejected" not being able to share or express my love and support to him (see previous post) has made me feel worse. He says he can't handle my love or support because he knows he can't reciprocate, but I'm not expecting anything in return right now just for me the opportunity to express it. He doesn't understand that. Feels like I'm asking/expecting him to focus on our relationship when he is still trying to make sense of the traumas and can't handle it.

2) Feeling "rejected" emotionally puts a further damper on sex for me - which is an emotional expression, but only a physical release for him. We have had relations on and off, but it just doesn't feel right to me now. He doesn't think he can ever feel emotional about sex, due to the trauma, but I don't want to de-value it for myself. I need him to accept my expressions of love - ? as an example of what love is....
I don't know - he says matter of factly I don't have to have sex with him, then added it just adds more distance between us, but isn't that what he is doing by not accepting my love??

3) I have been avoiding my mother in law's phone calls - with more details of abuse history I am very angry with her, my husband's feelings have bumped up to rage for her at this point as more facts have surfaced for him as well. I feel like she needs to know that we are going through a rough time, but are dealing with it privately. My husband thinks she will just show up at our house demanding an explaination and add her 2 cents (as he puts it). He is concerned he will lose it verbally and kick her out of the house in a fit of rage he feels towards her right now.

I'm questioning myself on a deep level at every moment now - not sure my choices, involvement or input is ?helping, ?making it worse, ?creating more problems? I'm feeling worse about pushing him or maybe feel like I'm the one hurting him right now. Watching him hurt more, feel more lost, empty, worthless, and suffering is tearing at my heart more so.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Friday therapy was brutal (together - therapists idea)....more details of abuse surfacing, even more unable to remember creating a bigger stressor for him. My feelings of rejection discussed - I set a firm boundary (something he never had) of no sex while he remains completely detached. Hubby completely shut down last 15 minutes of therapy - no eye contact, not talking, flat affect. Feel like pursuing him with my love is counter productive - guess I'm getting something out of it for myself, but he can't handle my kindness. Apparently there is such a thing as loving someone too much. He worked all weekend (16 hour days), slept at his brother's one night. Didn't call him or text him. He called to talk with kids, but just let them answer the calls.

Everything I believe in tells me to keep loving him, so for now I will just love from afar....set up his coffee, make his lunches and dinner, but that's it. Will keep talking to a minimum. Will not pursue him. Will not ask questions. Will just listen if he shares.

We will go on different days to therapy now. No more couples therapy.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Feeling awkward and hurt....

At this point we are talking, so that's progress. Well I listen when he talks. I don't offer much. I don't talk about me or the kids or anything to stress him. He canceled therapy last week, was too busy with work, and so as he put it, it was the first week he didn't hate himself since starting therapy - which says much in the way of his feelings and the trauma he is trying to deal with. Feel awkward around him. It is a weird feeling after 8 years together. Feeling more hurt since last night...listened to him talk to his supervisor about work, she's been out so they needed to catch up I suppose, by the end of the conversation he laughed and said, "maybe I'll pick you up a coffee in the morning just to give you something to smile about", then had to go with him and visit someone from our church who gave him some music equipment - he was thrilled and very affectionately hugged her. So again I hate to sound petty, but WHY? Why can't he wear his wedding band? Why can't he show me any sense of affection? Why doesn't he think about my needs or any way to ease my day?

He has asked me a couple times if I am angry with him? Doesn't understand why anyone would want to be with him - especially right now....trying my hardest NOT to give in to that train of thought. Then he says, "don't hate me", because it is not his fault. Who's fault is it? At what point can he move forward? At what point will he be able to handle anything more than just work? As in our relationship? Work is consuming for him - emotionally and physically. I don't see how he can manage dealing with our marriage while he stays consumed by work so if that is the case it won't change. He'll never be ready to move forward. How long do I wait? How long do I hold out? How long do I keep doing everything? How long....????

Feel weary and sad today.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

The mood had been a little lighter, our first grandson was born and things have been very busy. We've had productive talks on and off. I gave him what he wanted which was space, then that back fired. He complained to our psychologist/therapist that I was ignoring him....uhhh WTH?? We talked and agreed on some adjustments. That lasted for almost a week, now we are dealing with another set back.... finances are the cause. He has shut down again...sigh....I don't want to lose compassion for him, but some days are just too overwhelming for me - living in the "norm", while he is struggling with his PTSD.

Oh yeah and my mother in law invited herself to spend the night over my house this weekend...ugh... I suggested it not being a good weekend, since my husband would be working and not even home (so that works out well for him), and I have some running around to do with the kids. Well she didn't care and insisted on coming to see our daughter for her birthday. With new trauma information surfacing, knowing what she allowed for all those years, I feel like I can't even tolerate talking to her or may even say the wrong thing on his behalf. All those terrible things did not happen to me, nor is she the same person, but seeing the constant unfolding of the effects puts me in a very awkward position to be with her. She has never admited her fault in any of it and he is still too emotionally unstable to address it yet. Wish me luck :wtf::rolleyes:;)

I pray for strength everyday, because I am weak.

 

[HEART BROKEN]

WOW! Has it really been 2 months since my last post?
Well things are moving very slowly (snail pace even), but at the very least we are moving forward. We are still in therapy - once a week on average. At this point it is fair to say that hubby IS intellectually involved in our marriage. We talk, we laugh, we make future plans. Kids are happy. BUT....it is also fair to say that he is NOT emotionally involved in our marriage. Holidays were interesting. Ups and downs. I tried to remain indifferent in an effort to protect my own feelings. Saw some family, both his and mine. Work remains a stressor for him. He considered leaving yet another job after only 6 months (which is a record for him), until yesterday when he shared that he had an "epiphany" and thinks he should stick it out. All I can do is pray and continue loving myself. Last year I turned 40 over the summer and a year ago I was really looking forward to a wonderful year - well that didn't work out at all as I had planned. The whole year was a flop!....so this year I'm cautious and protecting my wounded self. Still hopful we can get to that happy, healthy, affectionate, loving, stable place, although to be perfectly honest I am weary and unsure of what or who I want. We are both changing.
Happy New Year to you all! :hug:

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Oh and another follow up - still no rings :notworthy: They are sitting comfortably tucked away in their original boxes. Admittedly this makes me very sad. I know they are only rings, but they represent so much more. I miss loving affection :inlove: Will it ever return? Can I live without it?

On a positive side note - we are going away for our anniversary. Hubby planned the trip (interesting gesture!). Valentine's Day is our anniversary - he planned a weekend getaway 3 nights, 4 days. Only the 2nd time we have ever been away alone together in 8 years - the first was 2 years ago for 2 nights, 3 days same weekend.

Hate to feel like this will be a make or break it weekend for me, but that is how I am feeling....:nailbiting:

 

[Aerolock]

I hope things work out for you. It pained me to read your posts ranging back from Sept last year...the ups and downs that the carer has to go through are very hard. I know, I was carer for 4 years. My now Ex, was a vet with combat ptsd. We were engaged and lived together for years. We have now been broken up for about 2.5 years and I still am taunted by the experience. We were very much in love, but in short, the rollercoaster ride was HELL. I write this to you because as we carers get so wrapped up in helping them and caring for them, that we can become damaged as well by the stress and taunting memories of if/when they get out of control due to their ptsd. I am now Married to another person, a wonderful man who treats me like a queen, and I had to go through the pain of breaking up with my sufferer in order to keep my own sanity and get back to living a normal happy life again. I read a lot of posts that say "don't lose yourself", or "take care of YOU" while staying in the bad relationship, but for me that wasn't possible. When you live with someone and love them it's really hard to ignore the craziness and just take care of yourself. I'm still healing 2.5 yrs after the breakup. I hope sharing my experience helps you. :))

 

[HEART BROKEN]

Thank you for sharing Aerolock!
I think what is helping to save our relationship is a combination of things. We are NEVER volatile (cursing, yelling, physical). He is very well controlled, I believe from all that he endured. It is not in his character - HE BROKE THAT CYCLE :tup: . He is a gentle man. That being said his complete dissociation (much build up to that point) from me has been completely emotionally shattering. As I'm watching him rebuild who he wants to be, I am changing as well. I like to think we are each working on the best we can be for eachother. Hopeful anyway.....