Dissociation Triggered By Intimacy

[ssw]

Me again.

So. I got out of relationship 3 months ago of 3.5 years and although undiagnosed, I believe I'm suffering from PTSD because if that relationship.
I was not raped, however.

With that being said,

I am aware I am not ready for a relationship.
I have also found I am having a really hard time connecting with people.


But I have been hanging out with a guy, because let's face it, every human craves touch.
He's gentle and kind
But when he wants to have sex, I say no. He respects that...
But tonight we hung out. Sat under the stars and kissed.

We went inside his garage and hung fr a few
And I could feel the dissociation creeping in like a fog

I got really tired; I could barely hold my eyes open, it took a lot of energy

I couldn't focus on what he was saying
Have no idea what that conversation was

But kissing an intimicay, maybe even kindness and caring, triggered an episode.

So.
Wtf?

 

[ssw]

On a side note,

Due to stress and this nonsense and life I'm having a really hard time eating.
My stomach is always in knots, I regularly feel nauseous (no, I'm not pregnant).

I ate 3 chicken nuggets today and took 2 bites off a lunch meat sandwhich.
It's all I can do not to puke.

Any advice here would be greatly appreciated as well.

 

[Nevermore]

I wanted to say I read this and related from my first relationship years ago.
In that relationship (of 5 year) i got very hurt at the end.
I was going to write the details but thinking it's probably completely different for you, but essentially i was very disillusioned and it took many years to feel okay about myself again.
Don't force yourself to be with someone if you're not ready or feeling right.
you describe the feelings so well, and I recall my own similar feelings
It sounds like you need time out to heal.
Relationships can be great healers at the right time, but they can also be very destabilising and destructive if you're not ready, and can just add more baggage.
I think you should look after you right now. Sounds like you're not ready right now to "move on" - how I hate that terminology!

 

[ssw]

Thank you never more.
I just don't undertand .. Why would I disossociate? Is it just my "fight or flight" response?

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

My husband dissociates during intimacy - though for us, this isn't usually a negative experience.

For him, he "switches" rapidly between his parts - so I'm "with" ALL of him at varying times and in varying ways throughout our intimate moments. At first, this was more difficult for me (not so much for him) - particularly cuz once we realized he has a "little" part - and you always hear about not having sex with the "child" parts or you could really harm the person, etc. We had a LOT we had to talk about, after the fact, in preparation for future intimate moments, etc.

I was/am very concerned about PROTECTING all of him while we were/are together, while at the same time letting him EXPRESS all of himself in our love-making. Since I was the virgin going in to the relationship, I think this might have changed our dynamic from perhaps the more "normal" dissociative struggles .. HE was typically the initiator, and HE was protective of and careful with me, I was never "pushing" our boundaries, I was more the student, more the eager lover, and VERY about caressing him, expressing loving and caring things .. In other words, in no way was he ever made to feel "unsafe" with me. And he was so loving and careful with me, he PATIENTLY allowed me to explore my own sexuality inside our relationship, he never shamed me for being clumsy or whatnot .. in fact he delighted to show me "firsts" and to teach me how to move or experiment with me so we found things we liked, etc. He was "in control" for the first season of our discovery, and he was genuinely touched to be given a virgin wife - like I was a gift from God to him. Very interesting dynamic, to be sure. :) :inlove:

I don't guess I have a direct question, here, but I'm interested in any thoughts/comments based on what I've shared! :)

I'll only add .. if he's "dissociating" in a way that resembles any of the discomfort or fear or retreating such as some have described, as his wife and lover, I would take this as an immediate cue to back-off the "sexual" and engage more in the loving, caressing, soft-talking and gentle-touch (or perhaps no-touch! :) ) as he would be able to handle it. I very much "respond" to his signals in these regards, because my main concern is never about "taking" from him, but GIVING to him ... I don't know if that might also prompt any other thoughts/suggestions?

~WU

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it might be a good idea to stay out of intimate relationships until you have more control over your dissociation. Worse case scenario, you dissociate, the guy doesn't realize it, and you end up unwillingly engaging in sexual activity. This could make your symptoms worse and take your healing in a negative direction. I don't mean to scare you, but this is serious stuff and I think that engaging in behaviors which could get you victimized again should be avoided at all costs.

 

[ssw]

My husband dissociates during intimacy - though for us, this isn't usually a negative experie...

I think he is blessed with you.
I don't know anyone that has a heart for that.
And how do you even tell someone that?
I barely know what the hell is wrong with me.

 

[ssw]

I think it might be a good idea to stay out of intimate relationships until you have more control...

How do you get control over it? I usually have to sleep it off to come out if it

 

[EveHarrington]

I think it starts with learning grounding skills so that you can stay present in the moment.

 

[ssw]

I think it starts with learning grounding skills so that you can stay present in the moment.

Staying present makes me want to break things.

 

[WhisperingUnicorn]

Oh dear, @ssw .. well, if it's of any comfort, when my man dissociates, or "hard clicks" (as he calls it) .. he also "has to sleep it off" .. The process is very exhausting, and I understand this .. I think this need-for-sleep has been a LOT easier for him to accept since I do NOT take this personally .. I view this as simply as if my loved one caught a cold or has the flu .. He's taking a "sleep" day like some people need to take a "sick" day .. I view this as "normal" insofar as we ALL need to "heal" if we are ill-at-ease (I prefer this idea to "dis-ease") .. I hope your SO can be understanding during these times!! :inlove:

~WU

 

[Dissociated1]

Intimacy can absolutely trigger dissociation. I am 56, have been married twice and have never been able to bring myself to have intercourse. Until my breakdown my wife and I shared a very passionate physical relationship that included everything but. After experiencing a flashback while we were intimate a few years ago, we were both terrified to try again. Since then I am barely comfortable to beyond first base and my mind has completely repressed my libido. I may never be able to bring myself to have intercourse but my wife and I have been taking baby steps under the guidance of our couple's psychologist to help us redevelop some sort of physical relationship.