Divulgence

[KRE]

It's near the anniversary of my thing, and around this time I'm always off for a month or so, not significantly, but it is different, and I know I'm most vulnerable around now; things get more intense, you know? At any rate, this year, things are different in that I have a boyfriend and two close friends who I'm not sure I should tell. They know something happened, but I wonder if I ought to warn them that it'll be weird for a bit, or something? I know they might be able to help, but I hate drama; plus, my two friends are depressed and my boyfriend has a difficult home life, where I'm essentially right as reins. I'm not the drama/problem person in the group, and I don't want them to think I'm after attention or anything... So should I tell them, head off any weird things with an explanation, or no? Thank you so much, guys!!

 

[Sideways]

Disclosure can be a slippery little sucker - you think you know what you're going to say, how you'll say it, how you'll cope...next thing you know they react differently to what you expected (they don't cope - Help! or they DO cope - double Help!!), then you're back-pedalling or over-sharing and GAH, WHY did I do this!?!

There's sharing and sharing. Different relationships need different approaches. If you're friends are depressed, their capacity to actually hear what you're saying could be in doubt. With your boyf - you'd want some kind of heads up if it was him, yeah?

There can be a lot of emotions come out of the woodwork unexpectedly when you disclose ("OMG, the shame, I can never face them again), so I'd err on the side of caution.

I have an anniversary on 3 January and I know, every year, it's gonna send me into a tailspin. But the people that are close to me (the ones where it's helpful if they know to take it easy with me) already know I've got PTSD, so I just tell them "3 January is an anniversary for me and it's usually pretty nasty, so if I don't return your call, sorry in advance, hey".

Haven't really told them didley squat. They're gonna learn soon enough that I'm a mole to be around that day, and it just gives them context. No big deal.

If you decide to share more, specially with your boyf, be clear in your mind what you want to share and why. What do you want him to do with the info - maybe it's to share and build intimacy, maybe it's so he keeps his mother out of your warpath. Don't just dump the info, tell him why you're telling him.

Finally, be ready for questions, and ready to draw boundaries. If you share info with them, they're free to ask questions, and you're free NOT to answer them. Know where you share-limit is, and be confident in saying "look, I'm really grateful for your concern, it's really reassuring...but I'm just not ready to talk about it in more detail right now".

It can be super helpful to have support people who know and understand. But you need to be comfortable, they need to be ready, and while the odds are you'll get a whole big serving of compassion if you share, you can't actually control their response.

People here have lots of different disclosure experiences. Measure up your own position against the different opinions.

Best wishes over your anniversary - the clock keeps ticking, the day will pass:)

 

[Atomic]

Ragdoll Circus - why is it difficult if they do cope after you've shared something? I hope the question is not too direct. If it is, please don't answer.

 

[Sideways]

Not at all - sounds weird huh!?

People that cope tend to want to say something reassuring and helpful, like *cringe* "it wasn't your fault"...Argh! Stop! Compliments & empathy - not things I receive very easily.

Worse yet, people that cope = people who believe me, which disrupts the chi in the happy Garden of Denial that I like to retreat to in my head.

 

[Atomic]

Thank you. I can understand that platitudes are unhelpful. I'm trying to think back over conversations with my guy, and I think I've refrained from giving any, apart from something like 'that's awful' or 'that sucks'. I work a lot in meetings on a legal basis, so I'm used to not having to rush in and fill a vacuum when there's a difficulty. That probably carries over to my private life a bit.

Believing you and the disruption to your chi IS something I need to ponder on some more. Does it make you feel like people are encroaching on your safe place?

 

[Sideways]

@Atomic
The thing with both of these areas is that just because it makes me uncomfortable, doesn't mean it's unhelpful. It's more of a handle with care situation.

Me & my T chat about a lot of stuff - some of it's heavy, some of it's just light banter. The light banter keeps the process from becoming overwhelming, so when he's talking crap about something irrelevant & it really isn't pushing me forward therapeutically, it's okay, he's just keeping the relationship safe and healthy. And then he drops the odd bombshell - "you have nothing to be ashamed of", & WHACK to my head. Sometimes it makes me soooo mad that I literally get up and walk away. But the thing is, even though I don't believe it, & he's just saying it because he doesn't understand- thank f*ck he's still saying it. I need someone in my life telling me that. Hurts to hear it, but never hearing it at all would be cripplingly isolating.

Coming out from my Garden of Denial is a slow process for me. I peep my head, I get overwhelmed, I retreat. But I peep my head out a teeny tiny bit further each time. Long term it's not really safe to stay there, but "Acceptance", for me, isn't gonna happen overnight. My T is careful not to say anything that supports my Denial-Brain (like it wasn't so bad, or it maybe isn't real), but he allows me to go back there when I need to, & encourages me to venture out when I can.

I reckon it must be a tough gig pulling that off & knowing when to push & when to relax it off. We don't always get it right, but we're getting better at it.