Do I Use My Own Experience? Work colleague struggling.

[Eliza]

This is a bit of an unusual one I think.

One of the very high up people in our company has recently been in a severe car accident. I heard from elsewhere that she's been having flashbacks, so I want to tell her to look after her mental health as well as her physical health, and basically offer my support, as she is bound to have post traumatic stress. She however, does not know that I have PTSD, and I don't want to alter our working relationship - and I don't want her sympathy, I just want her to know that I can empathise.

So my thought is - if I don't tell her I have PTSD, she will just think I'm sticking my nose in, and trying to tell her what to do. She may be getting help anyway, so might think I'm a little know-it-all who's trying to tell her what to do, when she's already doing it.
If I do tell her, then that will alter our working relationship, and it might look like I'm trying to 'story top' her - i.e. she might think I'm trying to compare our experiences - she had a car accident, I witnessed a terrorist attack and had a car accident. Or, given I am a member of her staff, she might see it as another responsibility on her, that she has to look out for me.
If I don't say anything at all, she could potentially be struggling alone, and might avoid getting help.
Or... I could be overthinking it completely and making it about myself, when really I just need to be a helpful member of staff and it's not my responsibility to help other people.

I don't know what to do. If anyone - sufferers or supporters - has any advice, it would be greatly appreciated.

 

[Ronin]

I would discretely offer I have possibly helpful insight into the situation, out of concern for her, and ask her if she is interested in hearing it.

Aka if she doesn't wish to have an input from employees on it at all, she can stop you right there.

If she does want to hear you out, you can tell, non commital if it's not helpful - you already said it's an offer that may not do much for her situation.

And it discloses you are knowledgeable in depth about MH issues, enough to trust your experience... not how you came about that knowledge.

 

[grit]

The key words are you heard from someone else.
It is not your position to offer help that is not asked.
This could be more about you than her.
Be there for her when or if she approaches you.

 

[digger]

I heard from elsewhere that she's been having flashbacks,

If she shares this with you herself, then I think that might be an appropriate point to share some of your own experience with her, but on the basis of hearing it from a third party, I personally don't think it's your place to bring it up with her at all.

 

[Eliza]

Thanks for your responses. I definitely wasn't going to go charging in, saying that I'd heard she was having flashbacks. It was more going to be a general nudge to look after her mental health, as women in high flying jobs tend to have a habit of powering through and trying not to show vulnerability.

I was thinking of saying something along the lines of, "I hope you're ok. I just wanted to make sure you're looking after your mental health as well as your physical health. When I had a car accident, I was too focused on the physical injuries, and years later I was still affected by it mentally. I wish somebody had told me to look after my mental health back then, as it may have prevented further problems down the line." or words to that effect. Maybe not even face to face - maybe just a text, so she doesn't even have to respond.

I don't want her to think I'm telling her what to do, but I'm opening up a conversation if she wants to talk about it. I doubt she will speak to me. But perhaps my experience will nudge her to get a bit of help before she develops PTSD.

 

[Whirlwind]

One of the very high up people in our company

By your reference I assume you do not know this person. Your knowledge is not first hand, sounds far from and I do not think it is your business to give advice about their personal life and situation. As a former higher level manager I found as a woman that rumors of health issues, breakups etc were unduly focued on women. If a male manager got a divorce, no biggie but when a woman manager did suddenly folks said her decison making was affected by her personal issues.

I can imagine you mean very well but you don’t know this person, no idea of what they are going through or not going through and your experiences are not theirs. It is not unkind to try and make a connection with someone but you are acting on some supposed info.



Best, Whirlwind

 

[Eliza]

I do know her, but not well. This is where my quandary is. If I didn’t know her, I’d just not mention it. But I’m one of her assistants. So while we know each other. It’s not as equals.
I am trying to think whether I would offer the same advice to a male manager in a similar position, but you are right. I probably wouldn’t. Whether that would be different if I was a man myself, I obviously don’t know. But I think you are right. I’ll see how she’s doing when I see her, bring up a vague point about mental health and leave it at that. I don’t want to start shoving my nose in where it’s not wanted and making her feel uncomfortable.

 

[grit]

Better assume she knows as much as you rather than less.

 

[DharmaGirl]

Has it been longer than 3 months? Symptoms must last longer than 3 months to be diagnosed as PTSD, and only a certain percentage of folks get it. Here's Anthony's article:
Ptsd diagnosis

I would let her handle this herself unless she asks for help.

 

[Eliza]

It’s not been that long. I was going to advise her to get some help before it gets to that point, as I wish I’d known at the time, rather than waiting until the symptoms became debilitating. But I think it would be too likely to change our working relationship because there’s too high a chance she would take it the wrong way.

 

[Whirlwind]

I was going to advise her to get some help before it gets to that point, as I wish I’d known at the time,

Clearly your heart is in the right place but honestly, there is nothing worse than unsolicited advice. Why don't you approach by just wishing her well and if she needs anything different from you just ask!

Keep it light but honestly I would not mention any reference to PTSD and mental health. You do not know if she is experiencing it and you may very well offend her.

I love to help folks too but there is a point where we make it more about us and wanting to make a bond where there isn't one or the urge to share "knowledge". She has not shared anything directly with you, your knowledge is based on rumor mill. And it is the workplace, she is not your friend and your superior.

Please don't take me harsh I don't mean it that way just that women bosses tend to get this sort of "advice" because it is deemed safe to do so because she is a woman. As you said....if she were a man you would not approach her.

She may very well get insulted or offended.

My golden rule is did I hear it first hand...then I may share MY experience but avoid any advice.

If a person asks for advice or information, then it is ok to release the floodgates, LOL

Good Luck,

W

 

[Eliza]

Thanks all. You are definitely right. I think I was too keen to try and help.
But I knew on some level it wasn’t the right thing to do, or I wouldn’t have posted here asking for advice.