Do You Ever Feel Like Your Trauma Wasn't "traumatic Enough"?

[F_uckYourselves]

Sometimes I feel like I'm over-dramatizing my traumatic experiences, and that I'm just a big crybaby with no sense of perspective.

My trauma was developmental, and it involved parental abandonment, verbal and emotional abuse, emotional neglect, and alcoholism. While on one level I know those experiences had a major impact on my development, on another I feel like I should just suck it up because in other respects I really had it pretty good. Materially, I was always provided for. My mom always made sure I was housed, fed, and clothed. I was always spoiled at birthdays and Christmas. I was never hit. My stepfather's rages scared the hell out of me and I often feared that he would hurt my mother, but he never actually got physically violent. The verbal and emotional abuse I experienced wasn't your classic "You'll never amount to anything!" type stuff, but more of the constant invalidation/cold shoulder/silent treatment variety, plus lots of yelling and being made to feel like a burden.

In contrast, I have friends who've survived unspeakably awful childhoods: molestation, rape, parents with severe and untreated mental illnesses, being beaten or burned with cigarettes, being told again and again that they were mistakes. Just heinous things that nobody should ever have to endure. I compare what I've survived to what they've lived through, or what some of the other people in this forum have dealt with, and I feel like a big whiner. Like I have no right to claim I was traumatized when so many people have had it so, so much worse.

Who else can relate?

 

[Mim28]

Yes, I do often feel like that. While some were big, others were small and cumulative. I often reflect on the fact that in spite of what I have been through, others have been through worse, so I try to balance my gratitude with my fight.
The fact is whether the problem is big or small to someone else, they are our problems. Our fights. And they matter.

 

[LRE]

My 16 year old daughter has PTSD. We adopted her when she was 5. Biologically, she is the youngest of my nieces and nephews. The next closest in age is 11 years older. My brother/her dad died when she was two. Her mom could not take care of her and there was much neglect and abuse until they terminated her rights. We don't really know much about what she actually suffered through during those first 4.5 years. She was the only niece/nephew of that woman. Once they terminated the mom's rights, my husband and I adopted her. She was the only niece or nephew we adopted. The others had a mom who was ever so slightly more present. but honestly, they all suffered trauma. My daughter feels like the "one who was saved." So she has a lot of guilt about the PTSD. She feels lucky. But she endured so much at such an early age it just destroyed her identity and her ability to trust. It breaks my heart.

 

[Gs172003]

Yes, all the time. I tell myself all the time I'm being stupid. I can't talk about mine though. Sorry.

 

[gealach]

Absolutely!!!!!! whiner, complainer, faker, fraud.... I've called myself every name I could think of

 

[Deleted member 35429]

Interesting thread. I certainly have friends with worse stories than mine and of course looking at war torn Syria and other parts of the world I know life gets A LOT more traumatic than mine. But, it doesn't help me get better to know others have it worse. It actually prevents me from getting better because all that does is cause me to minimize my trauma. I still have to take care of myself properly even if others have more suffering. Does it make you feel better or worse to compare your stories?

I really don't want to imply that your negative self thoughts about this are correct at all...you have every right to grieve and heal from your own traumas, but I am curious about PTSD from a childhood like you describe. Were you diagnosed with cPTSD? My PTSD is so specific to near death experience. I don't have PTSD symptoms from my screaming father and abandoning mother. 'My PTSD is very specific to violence and near death experience.

I do wonder if I didn't have the near death experience if the screaming father/mother abandonment would be more on the forefront of my mind... I don't know how much that impacts me because the only thing I've dealt with is periodic PTSD from feeling like I was being killed.

I guess I'm rambling here. I would just say it's OK to care for yourself. Sounds like you weren't cared for properly so maybe a little over the top support is needed to feel whole again. What's wrong with that?

With my young son, I notice if I give him tremendous empathy for an injury he quickly seems to feel very strong and show me his strength. But if I ignore it he whines and cries more. Maybe a little empathy will go a long way for you.

 

[heyheyhey]

I hope you don't feel invalidated by my opinion on this, but is not all part of C-PTSD? The low self-esteem like you should just suck it up and get over it, that was the mentality caused by your abuse. And maybe some sense of pushing away how bad it actually was, compared to a healthy family. Healthy parents teach you that you have a right to feel the pain you feel, and that you should be given time and space for the healing process. Dysfunctional parents make you feel bad for having the pain that they caused and they instil this whole mindset of "this is my reality" and minimise your pain and your reality of right and wrong, so that it doesn't seem as bad. Yeah, it's not as terrible as some people's (and I speak for myself coz my parents sound similar to yours :)), but bad enough to severely affect you <3! Plus, I also suppose it's all on a spectrum and maybe people with severer abuse, have more severe affects to their personality, affect and functioning.

 

[Gs172003]

Absolutely!!!!!! whiner, complainer, faker, fraud.... I've called myself every name I could think of[...

This. That is exactly me..

 

[barefoot]

Yes, definitely. My therapist has often said that I'm in denial and that I minimise my "traumatic" experiences. She says denial and minimising are defence mechanisms because if we say something wasn't "bad enough" (my favourite phrase) we protect outselves from how bad it actually was, if that makes sense?

Intellectually, I know that the things that happened weren't right. I just don't feel that they were "bad enough" and that makes me feel pathetic re my symptoms/having PTSD etc. Especially when, like you, I can look at others' experiences and think they have survived so much worse.

And, again, intellectually, I know there is no point in comparison - we can always find someone better off and worse off than ourself and comparing isn't helpful.

People here have told me before that, whatever happened and however bad I think it is, the fact is that it has had an impact is all that matters. So I try to focus on that. But I do still frequently fall back on "it wasn't that bad."

 

[Bloomy]

Im one of those with a severe childhood.
Id still say you have reason to be traumatized. No reason to be beat nearly to death like I did to be traumatized.
What you have overcomed is tough enough .

I also compare myself and asked my self why did I become that much traumatized when others didnt.
Not a very constructive thought so I try to distract those thoughts and try to learn to accept what became mine.

Take care.

 

[nicholle0923]

It's okay to feel like you're traumatized because people go through things they have trouble forgetting or coping with. Although, you think other had it worse, it may be true but some deal with things differently. everyone has the right to be sad. don't ever think your experiences weren't traumatic enough because anything can traumatize someone who isn't strong enough to deal with certain situations. if you think you are truly traumatized, you might want to seek help. i hope you learn to move forward, you deserve nothing but the best and i hope you know that.

 

[Ronin]

'Not traumatic enough', no.

But that I'm a drama queen about the whole thing, it could be worse, I'm not over it fast enough, I should quit yapping about it, and so forth... veery frequently. Along with childish fits of 'If I pretend it didn't happen or isn't happening, it will go away, now can I stop bothering people with it and move onto something else.' <eyeroll at self> So yes. Common.