Do You Ever Feel Like Your Trauma Wasn't "traumatic Enough"?

[The Albatross]

Yup, I'm with Ronin. No... it was bad, really bad... but not as bad as about a third here. However, there is the fact that PTSD is no respecter of who... gets it. 4% or some such?

The only thing (I find) left rather than run an eternal loop about why/how me... is how to improve/manage or deal with it.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

I also compare myself and asked my self why did I become that much traumatized when others didnt.

Yup! I have no idea why I responded to things the way I did. As has been said, "PTSD is no respecter of who gets it". I've been told that what happened isn't the issue. It's how you came away from it that matters.

Besides, those who seem to "get over it", do they? What would they say 10 years later? We'll never know. But there's no way to measure what someone else's experience is.

My trauma is complicated and ongoing, but I've learned great coping skills that work most of the time. Why? Probably because I'm stubborn enough to frustrate every therapist on the map. Gets me into more trouble too, but it has its up sides. Creativity runs in my family. It's not a surprise that it kicks in and helps a lot. Does that make me further along in healing? NO! I'm thankful I can use these things to help soothe the waters, but it's how I've responded to the trauma that matters. Not the trauma itself.

Don't minimize your situation just because there's no definition or scale of 1 to 10. That's purely distorted thinking and decided upon in our own minds.

 

[BlueOrange]

My brain was fractured due to emotional neglect. I match the OP pretty well, but there was no alcoholism in my family. So I guess I had it easier, when it comes to measuring the size of one trauma against another.

The vast majority of people here have had it 'objectively worse' than me. And yet, my symptoms are relatively complex. I definitely have enough problems due to traumatic dissociation that this site is useful to me. Feedback suggests I am useful to this site (mostly).

I try to focus on the 'usefulness' test; when it comes to the 'deserving' test, I'd be the first one excluded.

 

[Deleted member 34328]

@BlueOrange you do have much to contribute to this forum. There is no measuring stick. You're just as important and special as everyone else on this site. No one chooses PTSD. Who would?

I guess because I'm queen of the castle in this, I'm pretty passionate about it. I'm very sorry if I've offended anyone. That's definitely not my intent.

 

[BlueOrange]

I'm very sorry if I've offended anyone. That's definitely not my intent.

I found this a little confusing, so I scrolled up and read your previous comment. I still don't see why you're apologizing!

If we've fought before, then I don't remember it. I do get offended relatively easily when people seem to be threatening to stop folks from getting help, but that's not a threat that I perceive very often these days.

Mainly, I was writing for the benefit of the OP. A 'you are not alone' kind of thing. And also to remind myself that 'useful' is a better test than Deserving. Because there does need to be some kind of test before you diagnose and treat. The most useful test seems to be the usefulness test.

 

[LadyZane]

Dysfunctional parents make you feel bad for having the pain that they caused and they instil this whole mindset of "this is my reality" and minimise your pain and your reality of right and wrong, so that it doesn't seem as bad

Absolutely. I never experienced physical abuse myself, just severe verbal and emotional -- harsh criticism, emotional gaslighting, invalidation, etc and it's taken me until my late 30s to accept that it's ok to be traumatized by this stuff. Other people experience worse, other people experience better -- but for you, there's only one reality, and it was the one you lived, and it traumatized you.

Remember, no matter who you are, someone somewhere probably has it worse -- including every single one of your friends who you think of as having more of a "right" to feel traumatized than you do. So by that logic, they'd all have to suck it up too. Knowing what you know about them and how their experiences affected them, you'd probably never think it was reasonable for them to downplay the significance of what happened to them just because someone else, somewhere, had it "worse." The same is true for you too!

 

[Symphony]

Yes, I especially feel like it wasn't traumatic enough to warrant me having CPTSD and DID issues. It doesn't make sense to me why my brain fragmented over such... Idk... Not totally devastating things.

Especially with applying for inpatient treatment I'm like... I'm going to get there and everyone is going to hear my story and be like "eh, big deal. Get over it."

 

[Deleted member 35429]

I'd also like to say, what if you are right? What if you are more traumatized than average for what you've been through? Does that matter to you? You still need care. Everyone is born with a different capacity to cope. Everyone is dealt a different childhood. If you have bigger psychological effects for smaller trauma it doesn't make you less human or less worthy of love. It just means you need more care.

Some kids need more tutoring in math than others. Some kids need more social interaction to feel loved. Some kids are much more sensitive to disapproval and yelling than others. Everyone has different needs. Maybe you were a sensitive kid and these things impacted you more than it might have someone else. Don't beat yourself up over it. Accept yourself for who you are.

 

[Symphony]

Don't beat yourself up over it. Accept yourself for who you are.

That's asking a lot! :whistling::banghead:

 

[LadyZane]

What if you are more traumatized than average for what you've been through

I don't know if this is true for you, but mental illness runs in my family. My father was diagnosed bipolar and ended up taking his own life, and my crazy mom who raised me may or may not have ever had a diagnosis (she definitely wouldn't have told me if she did) but you only needed to know her for more than a few hours for it to be glaringly obvious. There's a whole host of stuff on my dad's side of the family from his previous marriage as well. So for me, that means not only have I been traumatized but I'm also a lot more likely to have inherited mental health issues. Maybe a "normal" kid who went through what I went through would have bounced back, but I didn't have that ability, and instead it's a lifelong journey of working really hard at it.

 

[amosmorris]

This is such a beautiful thread, really--such a good example of what makes this site so potentially healing.
In my case the thought process is typically "a stronger person wouldn't have been so impacted" by x or y or z. I sometimes get hit with waves of realization, "oh, that was actually bad...." but no sooner do I get that epiphany....I seem to shame myself in the opposite direction, "you're just so weak, how embarrassing"...Part of the work for me has been continuing to acknowledge the impact despite that regular cycle of self doubt. So--anyway--I think this is a normal way to feel.

 

[Leighlee87]

Omg. This is me. I've been struggling with this thought process for awhile now--being angry with myself for breaking, that I should have been strong enough to handle it. Other people go through horrible things and come out okay, so why couldn't I?

I brought it up recently in one of my sessions and my therapist kinda got a little angry with me for even thinking like that. And got a little lecture about how everyone deserves to have a breaking point, and that there are also people who be gone through what I have and function much worse than I do. Wishing I had been stronger is one thing, beating myself up because "I broke" is another.

Also try to remember that children who grow up in abusive homes usually don't learn the coping skills children from healthy homes do. It's not inate, that stuff is taught, modeled, and parents intervene when their children are flooded and gradually allow them to take on more stressful situations as they mature. Kids from abusive homes tend to deal with a much greater amount of stress with significantly fewer coping skills at their disposal. For me, those skills were never built up until I began therapy.

Yet, unsurprisingly enough, my brother who has ptsd and is struggling horribly, I don't think less of. I don't blame him in the least for his struggles, I don't at all think he is weak for it, I empathize with him, and am incredibly angry with my father for destroying him the way he has. Sometimes, it takes me looking at my brother and how I feel towards him for me to get a clearer picture of how I should see myself. I seemed to do the same with abuse...I deserved it, until I stopped and looked at my brother and realized he never deserved that. And if he didn't deserve it, then neither did I. I guess we are all, unknowingly, incredibly and unfairly demanding of ourselves.