Dom Violence Do you ever get past abuse?

[piratelady]

What is yours?

LOL! I'm working on figuring one out. That's part of my problem, and one my therapist also mentioned.

Could you get some good music you like to listen to and plug into that while he is playing the games?

I'm working on that one. Using headphones scares me because then I can't hear if someone is coming up behind me. I've been trying to figure out somewhere in my house where I could do that. As it stands now, our furniture isn't arranged to support that.

.if he can yell like that at a video game can he yell like that at me?

Yes, that's the heart of my fear. That anger has to come out somewhere, what if it were directed at me? I would break.

 

[Suzetig]

I wonder if instead of thinking of it as anger you recognised it as him being fully involved in the excitement of the game.

Think of times when you really loose yourself in something maybe like a music concert or a very funny movie, or a good book. These things are designed to evoke an emotional reaction and when we’re fully engaged we might laugh out loud, cry, scream and dance etc. It doesn’t mean you’re going to behave that way in daily life, but in those specific circumstances it’s ok.

Instead of looking for similarities in how he behaves in the game, look for differences. For example my husband had never touched a gun in his life, isn’t in the military and has never killed anyone so me worrying that he’ll react in real life in the way he does in a game that includes all of those things is pretty slim. As well as avoiding the noise (avoidance being another PTSD symptom), desensitising to the stressor and understanding it’s mean in the here and now is different will really help your recovery across the board.

 

[blackemerald1]

what if it were directed at me? I would break.

Worse case scenario? No you will not break. You may bend a bit and need to repair but you will not break. Have some confidence in yourself piratelady. You are amazingly strong, resilient and incredibly brave. You are all of these things and much more. Do not underestimate your own strength and abilities.

Look at what you have achieved thus far. :) Now you are happily married.. Wow! Give yourself some credit for being able to heal and move forward. I am not suggesting any of this progress was easy but you are being much too critical of yourself and your ability to heal and adapt.

Yes, that's the heart of my fear.

Fear is a normal human response. But in most normal situations we manage it. Look around at what we typically fear and then what we do or do not do despite fear. The road toll for instance...probably you would never get into a car. If you watched end on end 24/7 news you'd never travel within your country or out of it due to terrorism and a whole load of possibilities regardless of where you live.

But we do use roads despite the road toll. We do travel despite the fear of terrorism. We take risks every single day with all manner of things by doing or not doing lots of things. We take calculated risks a lot more than we usually realise. We mange the fear. I know you come from an experience (trauma) that leaves you with a heightened sense of the fear response. But can it be managed/reduced/mitigated/eliminated...not the yelling...your fear?

I use avoidance for instance. But sometimes..well a lot of times that will not work. So I use other strategies to mitigate my fears. Some are simple like self-talk and other's are tedious like being super duper over prepared and efficient...which takes a lot of energy and is really rather tiring. But it works for me in some areas and not in other's.

@piratelady is this fear based in any true information you can rely on? Is there anything at all to suggest he might turn this yelling/enthusiasm etc., from video games to you?

What is your hubby like when he finishes a session with the video games? Is he happy and relaxed or has it just taken the edge off a fast filling up cup of life stress's waiting to jump right back at him? What about you too? What would you like to do to release your stress that is practical and cost effective or even non-cost? What could you do to escape to for a little R&R? Headphones make you feel vulnerable for now but don't delegate them to the bin forever. You could work on this. Does your hubby play his video games at the same time every day? Would you be able to organise an outing for yourself during that time...like doing some exercise, running a few errands..you know what I mean?

Maybe you could both do something that is stress releasing and bonding together? Can you think of anything? Include him in the thinking bit. You might be pleasantly surprised.

In regard to video games - I am not into them at all. But then I guess a lot of ppl are not into horses, dogs and gardening either. So fair's fair..everyone can have their hobbies. It doesn't matter that I don't yell at horses, dogs and plants...they still do that magical thing of releasing the stress in me. I'd imagine a lot of ppl would rather be hit with a brick than ride a horse, play with a dog or dig up some weeds. :eek: Would you like to play video games with your husband?

Please don't allow some yelling at a screen in a make believe world by your loving husband become anything more than it simply is. Please work on this fear response. I know you don't want it to get worse so please talk to him about it now.:hug:

 

[Abstract]

Hi @piratelady Sorry to see you need to be on here. I relate to a lot of what you describe.

I have found it a balancing act asking for less displays of anger around me and not stifling and pathologising normal expressions of human emotion in my husband. Rather working on my reactions to these myself. And trying to separate non dangerous people from dangerous ones of the past. Its tricky. Tricky evaluating what is normal and tricky trying to manage my reactions. I don't want to anyone to eggshell step around me but it does affect me.

I think Suzetiq gave you excellent advice.

 

[EveHarrington]

I think I see more and more of an unfortunate trend here on the forum, the pushing the idea that we should be in control of each and every one of our reactions and as such have no right to even ask someone to do something (or not do something) that would help us out!

This isn’t what life is about! Even in perfect non-health disordered relationships people do things for each other to make one another’s lives better, for their comfort, for their pleasure. It’s called care and concern and love!

And then when you throw a disorder into the mix, I think it’s going too far to say that we shouldn’t ask those around us for even a minor accommodation because we must do it all on our own!

If you have the kind of ptsd that isn’t affected by loud noises, sudden movements, etc, where your body gets flooded by adrenaline (something you can’t control), then count yourself as lucky! I have this symptom, and I don’t think it’s too much to ask someone to be a bit more quiet. I personally can’t control the flooding of adrenaline, so I don’t think it’s too much to ask my loved ones to not be so loud. It IS a health issue. Stress kills! All this adrenaline is destroying my system!

Op I think your partner would want to help you in this regard, so let him! If you are suffering because of the noise, talk to him! Maybe you could have a compromise where you are out of the house while he plays the game. But hiding this? Not communicating? It’s not good for your relationship. It will likely build resentment on your side, and when he finds out, he will be hurt that you didn’t trust him enough to come and talk to him about it.

The responses I see in this thread just build isolation, and decrease trust. We are not perfect little islands who heal on our own. We require the support of others. The idea that we don’t even deserve the right to work with someone in coming up with a solution to loud noise, and must do it all on our own? Wow, just wow.

Ptsd is a disorder that even the experts say we must heal in the context of loving and supportive relationships. I’m just sad to see so much of this “do it on your own” polarization.

 

[Suzetig]

I don’t see anyone suggesting the OP hides it, or doesn’t communicate about it, or heals on her own but expecting people to accommodate your disorder in going about their daily tasks is a very slippery slope.

Her partner is going about his business in a separate part of the house, his behaviour isn’t directed at her and isn’t happening in her direct presence so yes, I think it’s unreasonable to expect him to change this aspect of his private life. The OP will need to cope with this kind of stressor all over the place, home is a good place to develop coping strategies in the care of a loving relationship that will stand her in good stead in less accommodating environments.

I don’t see anyone saying she should do this in isolation, or not ask for care or not talk about it.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I startle easily with yelling. My son yells when he plays video games. I've asked him not to yell at the dogs, and suggested he take a break if he's frustrated with a game, but that last was for his benefit. If it is too much for me, I leave the room, or wear my headphones. It's a give and take.

 

[The Albatross]

"Do you ever get "past" abuse?" Yes largely though not entirely but it takes work. A lot of personal work.

 

[piratelady]

Thank you everyone for all of your input and advice. I'm going to talk about it in therapy tomorrow also. He's out of town for the next week, so it gives me time to decide the best way forward.

Yes largely though not entirely but it takes work. A lot of personal work.

Thank you. I think part of this is harder for me, because in my mind I was all better. Then the last few weeks, it's all come rushing back. I guess it makes me feel kind of hopeless that I'll never really be ok. Maybe it's just the depression talking though.

 

[Abstract]

I used to think entirely. Now I think that may be a possibility but what often happens is more a sort of full or partial remission. As long as all is well and not too many stressors or triggers crop up all is well. Too many that haven't been worked on? Stuff seems to come back up if the cup overflows enough. I have an intent to fully heal still bit know there is much that needs to be addressed for that to happen.

Do you feel you have anything that hasnt been dealt with?

 

[piratelady]

Do you feel you have anything that hasnt been dealt with?

My therapist and I touched on some of the things you said above this week. Honestly, I started feeling better a few years ago and was scared of actual trauma therapy and so I quit seeking treatment. I think, in hind sight, my stress cup was pretty empty then.

I've been really busy since then, working towards my degree, pursuing a new career, then getting married last year, and buying a house earlier this year. Since then, I've just been finishing up my degree and waiting until we try to start having a baby soon. Therapist thinks that my method of coping has always been to bottle it up and put it on a shelf so to speak. Then as things got calmer my mind figured now was as good a time as any to start opening it all back up and I guess forcing me to deal with it.

It's a good lesson learned. I'm still scared of trauma therapy, especially given my rocky start. Part of me thinks I should just live a busy life forever and never deal with it. But really, now I know, scary or not, it's time to deal with it all once and for all.

 

[EveHarrington]

I don’t see anyone suggesting the OP hides it, or doesn’t communicate about it, or heals on her own...

we should all just suck it up and deal without even requesting that a loved one help us out? Yes, a loved one. I’m not talking about the world at large that doesn’t give a shit about us. If a loved one can’t help us out, what is the point in even being in a relationship? If one cannot even feel comfortable in their own home.... Obviously this issue is distressing to the OP on some level or else she wouldn’t be posting! I speak out of experience.

Got cancer? Don’t expect anyone to give you any accommodations while going through chemo!

Got diabetes? How DARE you think your family should help you out by not shoveling sugar into their mouths 24/7....just deal with the temptation!

Or maybe you’re an addict? Too bad if everyone around you is shooting up. Just deal!

See how ridiculous it is to just think we are supposed to be these little islands who ask for no help?

NOISE CARRIES! I know how hard it can be to have noises around you which startle you. Even if the person is in the next room, doing their own thing. It doesn’t matter. But hey, if you think it’s good that we just suck it up and say it’s ok if my nervous system keeps on enduring this damage....go ahead. My guess is that this is not a part of your symptom list, and as such you don’t understand exactly what it’s like to deal with these noises. Sorry if I’m passionate about this, but this is one of my major symptoms. My nervous system is out of whack. I’m super sensitive to noises. It’s NOT just a matter of getting used to it. You never do because the noises are just constant attacks on your system. Yes you can deal, but if you don’t have a quiet home to escape to, symptoms spiral out of control. There are no coping skills that fix this. Once those chemicals flood the system, that’s pretty much it until your body can clear them out. And if you have no quiet place to retreat to? Those chemicals don’t clear out. They just continue to build. So maybe the OP should just try to do it on her own, and when that fails, she can explode on her partner when her system can’t take it anymore. Sounds like a winning plan to me!