Sexual Assault Do you ever obsessively trigger yourself?

[Leisel]

I sometimes will see or read something triggering and then I just..can't stop. Like today I saw a post about an art exhibit symbolizing sexual assault and one person whose story was represented, was a child when it happened. After reading that, I read every article about it I could find. And that was after reading every article I could find about a celebrity who was sexually assaulted as a child. I think I'm trying to trigger myself. I don't know. I feel awful.
Do you ever do that?

 

[Deleted member 8714]

Hi @Leisel ,
Yes, I do that quite often when I'm editing or writing my novel which contains elements of my abuse. It leads me to keep finding similar stories or it leads me to watch Dexter because it's so similar to what happened to me in terms of the kills my father had done. I do it because it calms me as well. So destructive is calming.

Does reading those articles calm you?

 

[One step at a time]

Yes, I do that.
Sometimes it compounds the feelings. Sometimes it calms me. I'm not sure what makes it go one way or the other.

 

[Chem Lady]

I do it too. I'll have some sort of memory or other trigger and as a result I'll often find myself reliving every single memory I've already worked through. It's like, once that first trigger comes, I almost want or need to go through all the other stuff again. Maybe it helps the feeling that I experience from the trigger make sense. Maybe I need the memories to match in intensity to the feeling. I almost feel like i need to delve into the depths of it all or I won't get relief from the anxiety. I don't know. I think I haven't figured this out, but I do it too, and I'm not sure it's bad.

 

[Sideways]

Unless it's causing a ptsd response, like unwanted flashbacks, dysregulated emotions, or a fight/flight response? I wouldn't call this being "triggered ". Being triggered, in a ptsd sense, is something that's going to cause really devastating amounts of distress.

In that sense? No. I don't trigger myself. I have enough problems witthout compounding things so they're uncontrollable.

But there are definitely times when I get a bit of morbid and unhelpful fascination with things (tv, news articles, etc) that relate to my trauma in some way. And I don't think that's particularly remarkable. My trauma fundamentally changed my life - why wouldn't it interest me?

There are also times when I've engaged with thoughts and memories in unproductive ways. But while that is sometimes 'distressing' and untherapeutic, I think it's still a far (faaaaar) cry off being 'triggered'. There are lots and lots of things in this world that remind me of my trauma. But that doesn't mean they've 'triggered' me. It just means it's a distressing reminder.

I don't think it's even remotely helpful calling everything a "trigger" that a) relates to my trauma somehow and b) is distressing. Sexual assault is a distressing topic. For everyone. That's normal and healthy. I get more distressed perhaps than some when confronted with those topics, particularly if it's unexpected and uncontrollable, because of my personal experience.

But when my ptsd is "triggered"? Completely different scenario plays out. Completely. Different.

 

[8888]

I sometimes freak out when I masturbate but continue to do it anyway.

 

[Supervixn]

Did this more when I was younger. I also didn't realize I was obsessively triggering myself, but when I did realize it I did the wise thing and stopped myself asap. Just like a muscle, the more you train your thought patterns and directions, the stronger you'll get.

 

[Chem Lady]

I've been thinking about this post for awhile. I'm not positive about this, but I think I understand why I do this.
Firstly, sometimes I consciously bring up memories and relive stuff etc, after having been triggered by something. Sometimes it seems as though my brain does it on it's own. But whether consciously or unconsciously, I think my brain needs to do this so I can come out the other side. If I try to simply move on and not allow myself to delve into the depths, I live a sort of half-life. If I allow my brain to rehash memories, watch movies or shows with abusive situations similar to mine, or spend time reading others' stories on this website that are similar to mine, I find I will get to a certain low point and then I'll start the climb back out until I can enjoy things and situations again. It's almost like my brain needs to get to a certain point in order to process everything so that I can pull myself out again. Otherwise I just live like a shell of a person, going through the motions without enjoyment or connection.

 

[Hooper]

I wonder if that is why I visit this site and am posting on this thread in the sexual assault forum as I type. I think the previous sentence is a partial truth. I get/got a lot out of coming here. I've found it to be beneficial to the point I wonder why I've spent $2k on therapy in 2 1/2 years vs $50/$100? or whatever I gave here. I wonder if therapy and opening up my past has done more harm than good. That will probably be the subject of my next thread. The more I dig deeper the worse I seem to get. There's a reason a lot of us buried what happened to us and one day came together here. I'm questioning my need for a shovel to unearth what as best I can tell had a perfectly good home. I don't know the answer to the questions I have or you have but it is definitely something that has been on my mind.

 

[physicist13]

I sometimes will see or read something triggering and then I just..can't stop. Like today I saw a post a...

Yes I do this too! I don't know why I trigger myself sometimes, I never feel better after... but I can definitely relate

 

[lookingfor help]

I sometimes will see or read something triggering and then I just..can't stop. Like today I saw a post a...

Yeah, I still do. Knowing its not good for me, and after promising myself I'll stop. I stalk his social media, even look into his life through friends and family. Sometimes its a daily obsession, where his face can be the first thing I wake up to and seeing where he is in life right now is the only thing I care about. I think I use it as a form of self-punishment, I know deep down I still feel a lot of blame. I saw a recent picture of him yesterday surrounded by friends in a Santa hat and felt sick. I sat down in the bath and just stared into the water and didn't speak for hours. He still knows how to hurt me months on, but I don't make healing any easier. I'm so sorry you do the same. I know one day we'll learn to break that habit because we don't deserve the hurt we put ourselves through by reliving all the pain they are responsible for. We deserve to live our lives. We are not what happened to us.

 

[Saywhat]

Unless it's causing a ptsd response, like unwanted flashbacks, dysregulated emotions, or a fight...

Ahh, thanks for this, because it validates (for me) what I'm dealing with now. I always watch shows or read books that include elements that are part of my social history. It's a sort of fascination. Sometimes something like that will send me right off the deep end.
I do wonder why the interest in skating on the thin ice and if the reason I do it is to access those memories. I can't work through them in the way where you address them because they're right there, staring you in the face because the only way I can face them full on is when I go to counseling, and I only do that when the PTSD symptoms are messing up my ability to function as well as I want. And that's painful, so I avoid that until I have to go.
But. Sometimes, like last night, like what drove me here, the ice breaks and suddenly I'm drowning in those inaccessible emotions. Bright side is, I'm going back to counseling. Downside: It's just not a fun place to be.