The severity and length of your tramu shock and sadden me. So sorry that happened. My exe had a simi...
Labels can be so destructive. I only accept PTSD as a lable because it gives me something more concrete and definable to enable me to take the time I need to process the trauma emotions and "unjangle" the puzzle of me, separate from the very bizzare puzzles that were parents when I was growing up.
I do feel very very very (ok English was not my strong suit) sad about how sick my father was, and what he ended up doing which makes it impossible for me to ever have a connection with him. Its bearable now, I have grieved enough and worked through the craziness and rage enough to understand there can be no connection. I sometimes agonizeover what must have happened to him, then I get annoyed with myself, I don't have to spend the rest of my life feeling sorry for my abuser....
I was also extremely fortunate, my mother, who was obviosuly sick as a result of the abuse she suffered actually met and brought the nicest man I ever met into our family. so the second part of my being 12 was AWESOME! and he used to walk me to school, and I could see his office from my classroom window where he was a renouned academic at the local University (my mother was the same in a different University). so I was very fortunate. It wasn't all plain sailing from there, I had no ability to process my emotions and I was heading into the hormonal 14 year old female years.... (CRAZY town even for normal kids) so inpsite of them doing the right things, without the help in dealing with my trauma and emotions (which wasn't something they were capable of) I went off the rails and caused lots of grief for them, until I got shipped of to the best little boarding school on the planet with my little brother where I met my best friend and really grew into a person.
I have so much to be grateful for as well as the down side of processing trauma.
I have read a lot about different theraputic techniques and I believe how you frame things really matters to how "lost" you can become in the circle of triggers when dealing with trauma. I also find that how you frame things helps just with life, and its rather brilliant in business. So I know when I am working through certain parts of Trauma, I will "appear crazy, disjointed, like a broken puzzle" but that's because what was happening around me was just that - and so I no longer blame myself for the difficulty I have in processing trauma or working things out.
Still have stuff to work out, serious stuff that trips me up and I don't like facing it and I fight it every step of the way, but I am also a smart cookie (thanks for that mum and dad, lol) so I can work my way through it. I also was lucky enough to be born next to the coolest person on the planet "my nanny" who for my first 8 years asked if she could look after us and loved me like a mother. She was calm, loving and patient, I feel so lucky about that. It made it hard when at one point I really thought if I was good enough she would keep me and felt horribly rejected when she couldn't. But I stil have all her love inside me and I am lucky. The worst stuff was when I lost her, it was like loosing my mum and life got a whole new level of crazy there for 4 years, which was 4 years too long.
I am very grateful for the gifts and talents that come as a bonus to all the crap too.
I really really hope you can find a way to get a dog, or find a way to get connected to someone elses dog that can reach that place in your heart. Its now been proven that they connect with us and really do love us. Dogs are great healers for PTSD. anyhoo... going to eat my Tea now.
Be safe, Be well, Be kind to yourself.
