Poll Do You Re-create Your Trauma?

[Ronin]

dumb of a question that was

There ain't dumb questions.

Besides, with less applicable questions? People can learn from them in many ways: they're useful for people not yet able to ask them, who seek the same things, and they're useful for people who long have that clear, in seeing how far they've come & what others need to know & what can be shared all around.

TLDR don't mind asking. ;)

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Ah @Cashew i see, that makes sense.

And thank you about the question! And you are correct tlhst the learning experience. I do hope that people can thumb throught this thread and learn something, anything is a good thing.

 

[Mit]

I've read through al the responses, repeatedly over the last couple of weeks, trying to understand and relate to other peoples struggles, appreciating the courage, and building up my own.

I re-create and act out scenes (on myself) and feelings of childhood psychosexual traumas / humiliating treatments. Often I sexually self harm (scrub my genitals with a hard nail brush, use an abrasive body scrub when masturbating, for self punishment).

Currently I do this every day, often twice a day, sometimes more. I try to stop it, but each time the desire and need is too strong and I give in. I hate it. It makes me feel depressed and bad about me. It reinforces my deeply held sense that I I am a bad person. I can't seem to stop it. It's a miserable existence.

Thanks for the opportunity to be open and honest.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Im sorry that I havent typed in here in a while, my life has became rather...complicated.

I re-create and act out scenes (on myself) and feelings of childhood psychosexual traumas / humiliating treatments. Often I sexually self harm (scrub my genitals with a hard nail brush, use an abrasive body scrub when masturbating, for self punishment).

I do the same thing....a lot...scary a lot at times. It was the most commonly done thing in my past...if it wasnt cutting me down there, it was buring me, making me use all sorts of painful "instruments" used as almost experiements of which ones would "do the job", and being forced to masterbate with them. So its my most commonly done re-creation today. Ive also have been known to hurt myself in my sleep with my fingernails very often.

Currently I do this every day, often twice a day, sometimes more. I try to stop it, but each time the desire and need is too strong and I give in. I hate it. It makes me feel depressed and bad about me. It reinforces my deeply held sense that I I am a bad person. I can't seem to stop it. It's a miserable existence.

Thanks for the opportunity to be open and honest.

Im hoping that if we take these things out of 'the shadows', talk about them, be completely non-judging, support each other, we can help and support each other to healing.

Know that I understand the self judgements, the self loathing, and the 'misetable existance'; and I dont think any different of you. I think it was mighty brave of you to come foward with it! :hug:

Oh, and no thanks needed but you are very welcomed! :hug:

 

[Whyteferret]

I jumped when I read that. I dislike that word as its usually used to hurt as like racisim w...

@lostforgottensoul
Pan sexual is someone who is also attracted to people who are gender fluid, are transgender, adrogenous as well as gay or lesbian. Basically, someone who is pan sexual really doesn't care about the gender identity of others so long as they are attracted to them.

Hope that helps.

 

[Ronin]

I'd redefine that Ferrety, but only slightly - Pansexual's someone who is attracted to people of all genders or lack of.

There. No one I met in the pan community 'didn't care', as there were clearly individual limitations and preferences and variations, but the basic inclusivity stayed.
/off gently nudging soapbox.

 

[Stickler]

FWIW, Mit, I've always thought you were a good person, and still do.

 

[Mit]

Thank you @Stickler

I'm really grateful, it means a lot.

 

[Tinyflame]

I agree @Mit you sound like a good- & honest- person. :hug:

So crises in that are good, because they prompt me to believe in my experience & reasoning through it, instead of doubt & self doubt.

Yes I just had this happen. Except I would say instead of doubt & self-doubt ignoring/ denial/ not 'forgetting' proper but extreme minimization.

 

[Friday]

Coming to this a bit late... I ticked other, just to keep things simple.

I tend to repeat things over and over until I can get them "right". Either in my head, heart, actions, a combo, or all three. This worked extremely well with some trauma (sex & rape, for example) and really really badly with certain other kinds of trauma (combat for example).

I think the major difference between why one worked, and why one didn't, is the difference between exposure therapy & retraumatization.

 

[Whyteferret]

I'd redefine that Ferrety, but only slightly - Pansexual's someone who is attracted to people of all gend...

Better said, definitively

 

[FauxLiz]

I just found this poll so I am late to the discussion but I am glad I found this as I have often wondered if I was the only person that did these things.

I checked several of the poll options: seeking out multiple partners/cheating I have to do my best to remain sexually inactive. When I am stressed I engage in risky behaviors seeking men through online forums, willing to meet for casual encounters into less than "vanilla" sex even having an account on the well known extra-marital affair site that I won't name.

when I do end up giving in to the urge to self-satisfy rather than risk my health with a stranger it only works if I read non-consent porn literature to have an orgasm.

I also checked other as I self harm in non sexual ways but it concerns my T very much as he says I have become my own perpetrator. When I get suicidal and I am on the verge of taking that last step, I use my my stun gun on myself multiple times. It rarely leaves any marks on me so no one knows that I self harm unlike when I used to cut and had to hide the cuts until they healed.