Do You Sometimes Feel The Difference Between The Disorder And Your Normal Functioning?

[Kefira]

Not sure exactly how to explain this, but I'm in the middle of the worst couple months for me as far as trauma anniversaries go, and am moving. I feel like the way I'm processing is very much based in the disorder and a symptom spike. The work I've been doing, my coping methods, my intellectual process, even my actual feelings about the move are not at all reflected in my current mental landscape.

I was just talking to a friend who was telling me that it will all be okay in a few days, and just to try not to stress. I told her that I knew that, even FELT that but that it wasn't helping because this was purely symptomatic. I don't think she buys it, but it's very interesting because I typically don't feel this total disconnect where the PTSD is like its own thing I don't have control over. I think it's really interesting that it doesn't reflect at all the more healthy feelings and coping skills I have and instead is just spinning out of control regardless.

I'm unable to focus or think and feel pretty close to shut down. Just wondering if anyone else experiences this sort of dichotomy under severe stress. I know I'm also somewhat dissociated and very emotionally numb, but it's really weird that I'm not buying into a lot of the normal distorted thinking patterns I would have before and I'm still experiencing the lack of focus, panic symptoms, sleep disruption, etc.

 

[KwanYingirl]

I think I follow what you're saying. We can be "all head" about handling impending stress, but PTSD activates the body too and that's where my stress symptoms override whatever intellectual preventions I've put in place. Don't know what to advise though. Some calming tea, a brisk walk, something that can tell your body it's ok. That light switch gets flipped up and the body reacts then comes the adrenaline and the mess that makes in our minds.

It will pass. If you want you can just notice what's happening without judgement. Ride it out. By the time the move happens, I'm sure you'll be clearer with that to focus on.

 

[Chava]

I've largely cut out distorted thinking, but that doesn't mean I don't get triggered. Then it doesn't matter that I "know" I'm not dying. My body feels immobilized. The awareness bit I have can help me out of it sometimes, but even that takes quite a bit of effort and patience once I'm triggered. Just "knowing" about my distortions and triggered states doesn't do enough to over-ride the survival brain activation stuff. So it helps to go to that level and use my adult awareness to try to figure out what I need and respond (usually some sort of safety or comfort, which I've been learning because I never had those things before...just got wicked drunk or tried to kill myself).

So, while I can't be sure I'm talking about the same thing you are, it does sound like you have some good awareness. But triggers and symptoms will likely still happen. It's a long process. But can you use your awareness to figure out what helps you in your triggered or shutdown states? Like I know simple sounds can help me if I'm really shut down or immobilized, but it took a long time for my adult mind to figure that out because it doesn't seem all that logical to me. But it works for me.

 

[Kefira]

We can be "all head" about handling impending stress, but PTSD activates the body too

Then it doesn't matter that I "know" I'm not dying.

Yes, I think that's what I'm running into. The difference is I think in the last year I've really implemented a number of good coping techniques as well as some strategies for reality checking and avoiding quite so many cognitive distortions. So it's like I'm experiences all of the body stuff, but I'm not buying into it quite as much as I have before on an emotional/mental level since I've been learning how to function better. The level of stress, though, seems to mean that none of that matters. I guess theoretically it's better than it could be if I was having full blown episodes instead of mostly physical symptoms. But it's still very strange and confusing.

 

[WillyKat]

I think I understand what you mean. It's not like software, where you can have a dozen different processes happily coexisting. PTSD hogs the CPU, eats up all the memory, and all the happy processes hang.

Therapy, hard work, and hope have taught me that I can program a daemon that will interrupt PTSD so that it operates within parameters. I'm still debugging but hope to one day get it WOMM Certified: Works on My Machine.

 

[InvisibleSun]

I typically don't feel this total disconnect where the PTSD is like its own thing I don't have control over. I think it's really interesting that it doesn't reflect at all the more healthy feelings and coping skills I have and instead is just spinning out of control regardless.

I'm the exact opposite with my PTSD..I have always felt like this was something that was out of my control. An entity of sorts that's hijacked my soul and my physical being is just along for the ride. I may be in the car, but I'm not the one driving. Uncontrollable physiological responses are going to arise no matter what, but it seems as though you're episode isn't full blown, which is why your able to control any distorted thought processes. Activating some symptoms and not others it seems..PTSD is very tricky sometimes.

I've definitely experienced this before, though. Kind of going through something similar now, just on a milder scale.