Does Anyone Else Not Want To Get Better?

[scout86]

I feel the same way. I think it is a kind of anxiety about having to act just like everyone else without an "Insanity escape".

Actually, I think you get to act any way you WANT to. You aren't "everyone else", after all, you're YOU. A unique person with gifts and things to offer that no one else has and no one else ever will. If you're having a bad day and want to stay in, you can still say that and do it. The thing is, maybe you won't HAVE bad days where you want to stay in. Just because you're not "crazy" doesn't mean you have to act "normal".

ER, you've very bravely started a valuable conversation. Thank you!

 

[Madhather]

I find this thread very interesting, lots of good points and opinions which got me thinking about my own thoughts on getting better. I realize I don't have any, I've always accepted that this is just the way I am, I go along to get along. I learned at a young age how to be a chameleon and how to survive by adapting to any environment. I'm not sure I would recognize better or worse at this point are if it would really make that much difference in how I live my life even if I did. It's something to think about.

 

[Emotional Retard]

I can relate to the "drama" thing, except that the personal experiences of my peers and my own dramas began to mete out something I didn't want: consequences. If I don't want consequences then I'll initiate change. I usually do that through goal setting and rigorous self examination.

This really struck me as important. I have found that I do only want the drama until there are consequences.

Several months ago my first therapist had pushed me into seeing a doctor and getting on medication. I felt so much better on the medication, but a couple of weeks in the pills stopped working. Then I got really out of control and suicidal. At first I wanted help, but then I liked the attention I was getting. Next thing I know my therapist is calling my parents and threatening to have me hospitalized. Needless to say, I didn't like that at all.

 

[The Albatross]

Right. The attraction to drama is attention or also a distraction from the dissatisfying things in life. But it is a poor substitution for the things we really crave or value in other people often times. Like consistency, reliability, evenness of temperament, kindness or compassion, helpfulness (just ticking off some of my own). But the thing is, I had to learn how to be those things in order to receive them from other people.

It's a birds of a feather sort of thing... like attracts like. Dramas for me now belong on the movie screen, in books or on television... not in my life in as much as I am able. There is exhilaration and adrenaline when one is involved in a drama that can be a draw... but it is a moth to a flame sort of thing. I had plenty of peers get burned... and almost got burned myself. These days, if I want exhilaration I go to an amusement park, if I want adrenaline I get on a water slide or take the 10 story free fall at 6 Flags (only because my mister hasn't agreed to sky dive yet).

Basically, the risk of consequences should I remain the same, are more than worth the effort, uncomfortability and risk of failure. It's almost a certainty that staying as I am will get me continued frustration, disappointment, unhappiness, and an unfulfilled life. But if I risk failure over and over... I'll get experience and increase the chances that I will be successful in some aspects of this PTSD thing.

I have had some... over time very gradual. I now have a reasonable expectation that there can be more. New experiences to over-write the old ones.

 

[ms spock]

Now that you mention it, I do think that my therapist lacks the necessary skills...

So really when we break it down. It is not that you don't want to get better. It is that your therapist doesn't have the necessary skills to help you process your trauma and you are engaging in a type of self blame because it is easier to see yourself not wanting to get well instead of feeling the pain about the feelings around your therapist not be able to work with you?

 

[The Albatross]

I think that perhaps attention seeking behavior may have gave ER an unwanted consequence. Though the resultant feelings, isn't pain... it's wondering if ER want's to get better. I think that's a great question to be asked particularly since the title of the thread is "Does anyone else not want to get better?"

But blame, is unnecessary as long as ER gets a bead on the situation and why this idea would be attractive.

 

[The Albatross]

I want to stay like this - suffering, miserable, alone. I want the drama of being so screwed up. I want to be irreparable.

ER? I think I would pick this apart mercilessly. Why is this a pay off for you? What would be your reaction to a friend or your family member or your child if they said this to you? Why are you so drawn to this type of life for yourself? Punishment? Martyrdom?

If you use your rational mind, what can you reasonably expect the quality of your life to be if you allow this thought to dictate your thoughts, actions and feelings?

What, if anything, can you commit to doing to prevent the consequences of this thought?

 

[HemlockGrove]

If you're having a bad day and want to stay in, you can still say that and do it. The thing is, maybe you won't HAVE bad days where you want to stay in. Just because you're not "crazy" doesn't mean you have to act "normal".

I don't know if you understand how awesome this was. You're awesome. Thank you. Really. Thank you so so so so very much :) (Hahah. It took me far too long to get those so's right xD)

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

If I "got better" I feel like I wouldn't have the kind of "escape to comfort" the way I do. Then again, I'd like to not be so affected by stress. THAT is something I wouldn't mind "getting better" with

But if you were better you and therefore not so affected by stress, would you need to have the safety of bed and comfort of being so separated that you do now?

 

[TroyW]

In a ay I was happy that finally a diagnosis was right. They teach skills and have places but you know triggers still happen and the loss of the now happens. Find a buddy or group that understands to help bring you back. The pain still continues though for me. Meds may help dull the pain but still I know it is there waiting to go off or get released. Give your self a chance try it you may find ways that help. I am in a hope house right now.. best thing that has ever happened to me. People understand

 

[piratelady]

I am scared that if things go right, then something terrible will happen.

I can relate to this very much. Lately things have been going well for me, the better things get the more I worry and wait for the bad things to come or for the good things to go away. It's hard to trust feeling better or having a better life.

 

[Dissociated1]

I have DID, was a successful system for 49 years til I decomposed in 2009. Trauma recovery therapy is helping me understand and accept the things that happened to me as a child with my adult brain. I am healing and my alters are learning to work together for the good of the Self. But I have been clear with all of doctors that I refuse to get better at the expense of any of my alters.