I feel that you are being too harsh on yourself @
prime-no as everyone, including ourselves, always puts their best foot forward when starting a relationship.
Unfortunately, I don't agree to me being too harsh on myself. Yes, we all put our best foot forward... the point is though that I noticed in both cases, ex-husband and recent ex, that they were abusive the first time we met (out on a date). If I had not noticed, I would not remember now. Plus, I have body memories of those first times of abuse. See, abuse can be so subtle (subtle from the the perspective of someone "versed" in being abused..., not from the perspective of a mentally healthy person) that it's right there from the very start, and it hurts, and I noticed... but dismissed it, ignored it, didn't want it to be true (I think this last one hits the nail on the head for me). There are just so many people out there who show abusive behaviour even out on the street, in the most superficial situations, that what happens with me is I so hope to finally have found someone who does not show abusive behaviour that when the person I like does show it, I just don't want to give up on what I had thought I had found. So, basically, that sums up as not wanting to give up an illusion.
See, I could have acted early on. I should have, too. It is a form of abuse in a close relationship to let the other part wait, again and again. My ex-husband was almost two hours late on the first date. I came to his town by train and he wasn't there. I called and he didn't answer. This is disrespectful and hurtful and he did not care about my pain, all he showed when he came was shame of him having done something wrong, not about me hurting. Which is a big, big difference. If both had been there, fine, but there was only him. Then he came up with excuses... Then he came up with lies... It was all there. I wasn't able at the time to see that that is abusive behaviour, but it is. There's a book that gives excellent info on what abuse is. I can't remember now but if anyone's interested, I'll check it out.
Recent ex, same thing. Not late, but... see "pathological relationships" (your post) from the other thread. From the beginning. Wanted me to remain quiet and patient while he screamed at me. He made (very hurtful) comments about my body. Etc. etc. Yes, from the beginning. Back then I tought it was his sense of humor. It didn't hurt me then. But it turned out it wasn't his sense of humour, he really meant what he said. He was nagging all the time, being so negative, he found a fault in everything. He couldn't separate me from other women, screamed things at me that had nothing to do with me but "women" and the "world" are/do/you name it... Just trying to paint a clear picture of what happened, from the beginning. I noticed. I didn't act then. Sometimes I say to myself "I haven't been hurt enough". And I think that actually is what happens to me: I can only leave a person once I have been hurt "enough". My limit is or was seemingly endless. The limit that the "pathological relationships" post talks about... So, I have learned. Recent ex took me months to separate from, not 13 years. Congratulations to self. No sarcasm.
I would urge anyone to really, really look closely if their (former) abusive partner really, really was different at any time. Seriously, look closely, feel... Also, that book that clearly outlines what is abuse (with examples) has helped me tremendously. How can you judge if something is abusive if your definitions are all wrong and messed up owing to prior abuse? You can't.
I believe it's more of a case of not being able to leave or make/deal with such a decision once you have become involved.
It is, in a way. But I think, for me, the spiral starts with not fully letting in how a man is at the very beginning already. The words he uses, the ways he makes me feel, what I may attribute to humor but which may not be, etc. I need to let reality in at and from the very beginning. I need to realize that all I lose is an illusion, a dream of a person, an image that isn't real, if they display abusive behaviour, from the very moment they display it. Reality then actually screams into my face, but I hold on to something that isn't there. That's where I have to "catch" it. I have twice already, so I am hopeful for a much, much better future. It's just that sometimes it leaves me as if beat up out on the street, as there are so many abusive people out there... that is if you define abuse the way it is defined in that one book and I do fully agree to it. Maybe I can post some of it here when I have time. I'm about to head out with a friend.
I personally think that we somehow get stuck as while we know it is wrong, it is oh so familiar and we are so accustomed to that not being our choice (if suffering from childhood abuse), that we struggle to see how to leave.
For me, it's not (or not anymore) the familiarity. Something can be familiar and cause you to feel good, but this does not make me feel good at all, quite the opposite. So why should I endure something that makes me feel bad? Familiar or not. I think, people so severely abused from birth, must go into great detail, as I refer to it, into my very cells, to eradicate the abuse or the effects it has caused. We need spying glasses to find all the spots abuse has injured us. And heal all those seemingly tiny, little wounds.
