Childhood Does Childhood Abuse Always Cause Trauma?

[Nimble7125]

Hi there all!

Anything mental health related is new, at least in regards to my own. Anyway, I recently went to see a psychologist about my extreme inability to focus (Considering my father has it, I suspect ADD). Well I have ADD, but the appointment turned for the interesting when she said I've sustained trauma stemming from my childhood, and fit the bill for PTSD and Depression. Will I admit my childhood was less than stellar and abusive on the rare occasion? Sure. Did it particularly upset or distress me as a kid? No.

Just to name a few examples of my mother and step-father:

• Probably the most egregious thing my mother did was check herself into suicide watch My stepfather apparently upset her, didn't know why and she wouldn't say, so she "punished" him with suicidal claims.
• Mother favored manipulation. She'd wait till I was doing a timed quiz (full time college, as highschool/home school junior), and then ask me to do the dishes. I'd get punished, or she would start to exaggerate health conditions (the tone gave it away and real shit meant the hospital everytime)
• Grounded constantly, the longest being 10-11 months for the most insignificant things (I'd often forget to do things, talk in school, interrupt her, and generally stuff that looking back fits with ADD). As I'd move on to other activities I wasn't grounded from, she'd restrict those as well. Lol, after several months of literally nothing to do, I started stealing my laptop out of her room at night. Of course I'd get caught sometimes and she'd always say "and here I was, about to give your stuff back". I knew I wasn't getting ungrounded no matter what I did, that's why I started stealing it back in the first place.
• Almost got to shoot a guy, at 12, when the house behind us got raided. Drug dealers bolted, step-dad handed me shotgun and told me to shoot anyone coming through the back door. I thought it was fun, custody court didn't think so when my dad brought it up.
• Step father favored spanking with the paddle, and put his hand on my throat a couple times. I thought the spankings were funny because they didn't hurt. I didn't enjoy the few times he put his hand on my throat, but I wasn't scared or anything. I was much more nimble than he.
• The usual "you won't be good enough to play football", "you won't ever make it in life" and such. Some call those insults, I call it motivation.

Well, after my background she started inquiring about my daily mental state and behavior. She tried to say I have PTSD and Depression because of the following reports.

• A lot of times things remind me of my childhood. I'll often get what I call "mental movies" as well, where I kinda just "watch" a memory. Usually the recollections are what most would consider negative, sometimes good though. Either way, they don't bother me.
• I lose pleasure in activities quickly. I tried to tell her is isn't the depression version. Basically, I get bored with things when I start to understand them, because there isn't any challenge anymore. I enjoy being put under pressure or overcoming challenge above all else
• Imagine remembering you went to an event, but not actually what happened. Positive or negative, childhood memory is spotty. As an example of a negative memory, I know my step dad put his hand on my throat a second time, but I have no memory of what happened after. Apparently my father took my sister and me to counseling. I remember going, but not the actual meeting (she said there was no use in me attending afterwards though.)
• I have sleep trouble. Always had it. My mind just races at night.
• Hyper-vigilant. I am constantly aware of your language use, facial expressions, mannerisms, and tone. I am also watching for how my responses affect you. I am also extremely spatially aware. In my head, I often see a top down view of wherever I'm at, almost like a video game minimap. I know where every person is and what they are doing. It's like a super power.
• Self loathing thoughts. It's a bit justifiable when it is apparent that I'm going to be a failure if I can't focus. It won't be so justifiable when I can manage my ADD
• Feeling detached from others, or rather that I avoid others. I have zero issues talking to people, and can do so quite well (a hobby of mine was watching for my mom's manipulations, so I got really good at reading people).
• I'll sometimes "see" myself commit suicide in a variety of ways. I find it just a dark daydream considering I quite enjoy living. I can see how she would feel this is concerning, but I know I'm not suicidal so that's all that matters.
• Emotionally detached. Your family could die in a fire and I'd feel nothing. I'd understand that you are upset and need an ear to listen, but empathy? Nope. I don't understand what happiness or sadness and anxiety is. I certainly have things I do and do not enjoy, but my mental state is always neutral and calm. From what I can gather, having fun is not the same as being happy.

So, a wall of text later, and we get to the original question. Am I delusional for thinking an adult can turn out unscathed by childhood trauma, or am I in denial over a diagnosis that seems reasonable compared to other poster's lived experiences? From what I can tell, it's only a mental disorder when it's debilitating.

 

[scout86]

Am I delusional for thinking an adult can turn out unscathed by childhood trauma, or am I in denial over a diagnosis that seems reasonable compared to other poster's lived experiences? From what I can tell, it's only a mental disorder when it's debilitating.

Everyone who experiences trauma, of any kind, doesn't get PTSD. In general, it's only a "disorder" when it's debilitating, yes. But this particular disorder you can sometimes live with a long time before is shows up a a huge problem. Meanwhile, it's still a problem.

It doesn't hurt to consider the possibility. If you explore it and still think you don't have a problem, marvelous. If the idea of exploring it totally freaks you out........it might be a problem. (Good luck and welcome!)

 

[EveHarrington]

Hi, and welcome to the forum!

I think there may be some confusion over terms.

Child abuse is indeed trauma.

However------not all trauma causes lasting effects or PTSD. Actually, only a small percentage of trauma results in PTSD as most people can recover from a traumatic event and it doesn't drag on for years and years, or even a lifetime.

In your case------I am not seeing enough symptoms in your description to say that it sounds like PTSD to me, but of course, that doesn't mean you don't have PTSD. Are you familiar with the DSM criteria? I think it would be a good idea to read it through and if you really can say to yourself "this isn't me at all!" then perhaps a second professional opinion is warranted.

PTSD isn't the only result of child abuse. I think just about any disorder under the sun can be exacerbated or caused by trauma. (Stress is s killer!)

As for your question of emerging from childhood unscathed? I really have to say that based on your description, you are indeed affected by your upbringing IMHO based on all of the negative symptoms you experience.

Can I ask how old you are? (No judgment!) I'm just curious as it oftentimes takes people well into adulthood before they realize they had a bad childhood. (There are a number of people here who I can think of off the top of my head who didn't really make the connection between their bad childhoods and life struggles until they were at least middle age.) The thing is, we all (mostly) grow up thinking that whatever we experience is "normal" and it's not until later when we gain independence and life experience do we realize just how abnormal it really was.

I'm glad you're here! :hug: :)

 

[RavenGirl]

@Nimble7125, I say this with the upmost respect, In glad you are in therapy. I hope you listen to your therapist because I feel you'll really benefit from his / her help. :tup:

I'm not a therapist, but from what you wrote, to me you don't seen to have gone through your childhood unscathed. (Only my opinion) I hope you get the help you need to have a better outlook on your future. ;)Welcome to the forum. :hug: Raven

 

[Nimble7125]

.
It doesn't hurt to consider the possibility. If you explore it and still think you don't have a problem, marvelous. If the idea of exploring it totally freaks you out........it might be a problem. (Good luck and welcome!)

I don't mean to sound insulting, but that doesn't tell me much. Allow me to give you a little more insight into my psyche. Imagine not knowing what it means to be freaked out or anxious. If you were to ask me how I feel emotionally right now, I couldn't tell you. I can look at the criteria all day long and see that some of my behaviors line up. Flashbacks to childhood? Check. Do those memories alter my mood in anyway? Nope. Think of your most traumatic memory and imagine feeling the same thing as thinking "2 + 2 = 4". Literally the only way I can describe my emotional state is by saying "I'm fine."

In your case------I am not seeing enough symptoms in your description to say that it sounds like PTSD to me, but of course, that doesn't mean you don't have PTSD. Are you familiar with the DSM criteria? I think it would be a good idea to read it through and if you really can say to yourself "this isn't me at all!" then perhaps a second professional opinion is warranted.

PTSD isn't the only result of child abuse. I think just about any disorder under the sun can be exacerbated or caused by trauma. (Stress is s killer).

Can I ask how old you are? (No judgment!) I'm just curious as it oftentimes takes people well into adulthood before they realize they had a bad childhood. (There are a number of people here who I can think of off the top of my head who didn't really make the connection between their bad childhoods and life struggles until they were at least middle age.) The thing is, we all (mostly) grow up thinking that whatever we experience is "normal" and it's not until later when we gain independence and life experience do we realize just how abnormal it really was.

I'm glad you're here! :hug: :)

Oh no problems. I'm fully aware that at 22, I'm still young and a kid. I am aware of the DSM criteria for PTSD as well as depression. Only so because I was looking it up for my wife's sake. I can safely say without a shadow of a doubt that her childhood was worse than mine. She got none of the manipulation I did, but rather neglect and sexual abuse. In regards to the behavioral aspects and emotional detachment, it was like reading a bio of myself for the most part. It gets trickier when the criteria center on emotions, which I absolutely cannot describe. I can tell you that I rewatch memories, but I couldn't tell you they are distressing without even knowing what that feels like. That lifelong emotional detachment makes it extremely difficult to relate my feelings to the criteria. The only thing that seemed completely opposite to me was avoidance of traumatic reminders. Recently, my wife's narcissistic sister was trying manipulate me. I got excited to call her out on it because it was just like the fun days of trying to spot my own mother's manipulation.

@Nimble7125, I say this with the upmost respect, In glad you are in therapy. I h...

Thank you!

I'm not uncomfortable with admitting I came out a little burned around the edges. It's just hard to know if you are if you haven't really felt what it means to get burned. I can understand and dissect the most technical of subjects, but remain at a complete loss for how to describe my feelings, let alone know what they are.

 

[scout86]

I don't mean to sound insulting, but that doesn't tell me much.

You don't sound insulting, you sound, maybe, a little annoyed?

Does it strike you as "normal" that you're not aware of your emotions?: (Serious question.) That wasn't something I'd ever thought about, until I started therapy. Turns out "most people" have names for how they feel. Didn't know that. Turns out there were reasons why I didn't know that too. You have a similar background.

I can safely say without a shadow of a doubt that her childhood was worse than mine.

This isn't exactly a directly correlated, quantitative thing. It's possible, for example, for 3 people to be in a vehicle that hits an IED, one gets killed, one gets PTSD, and the third goes back to the mess hall, has lunch, and goes on with life otherwise unaffected. Weird, but true.

So, suppose for a second you DO have PTSD? Then what?

 

[Nimble7125]

You don't sound insulting, you sound, maybe, a little annoyed?

Does it strike you as "normal" that you're not aware of your emotions?: (Serious question.) That wasn't something I'd ever thought about, until I started therapy. Turns out "most people" have names for how they feel. Didn't know that. Turns out there were reasons why I didn't know that too. You have a similar background.

Sorry, just a bit tired. My work lets out for the summer so I have extra unburned energy that pushes me to sleep later and later each night. I'm trying to reset my schedule from going to bed at 8am to 10pm, so I've been up all night to retire at that time.

I would consider it abnormal for the general populace, but I get what you mean. I've been this way everyday since my earliest memory, till everyday going forward. I recognize that other people have a name for their emotions, but don't know what they mean. I can relate to something being funny, but not something being happy or sad. For example, I could witness a sad event, recognize it as being a sad event for others cognitively, but "feel" nothing.

What I realized wasn't normal were some of the daily things that float around my head. I thought it was normal to have memories replay in your head everyday, without cause. I thought it was normal to be fine with recognizing yourself as a current failure. I thought it was normal to be aware of every single minute detail in a conversation, and always be aware of your surroundings.

If you wouldn't mind a question, what happened after you discovered this wasn't normal?

This isn't exactly a directly correlated, quantitative thing. It's possible, for example, for 3 people to be in a vehicle that hits an IED, one gets killed, one gets PTSD, and the third goes back to the mess hall, has lunch, and goes on with life otherwise unaffected. Weird, but true.

So, suppose for a second you DO have PTSD? Then what?

Experience and perception is certainly key. I would differ in one area though. Imagine one soldier lived through an IED and got PTSD, while another survives a nuclear blast mentally fine. Objectively, the nuke was a more catastrophic event, but wasn't as tramautic for that individual. I wasn't trying to say her experience of it was worse (in all likelihood though it was), but rather she got a nuke instead of my IED.

As for the second part, I'm not sure. I'm pretty okay with how I am and have always been aside from the focus issues. However, one does have to wonder, if PTSD and other issues have inhibited my ability to express what would have been the real me, then who am I? Psychologist straight out told me that I may be an emotional tank right now, but that might come crumbling down if I do therapy for good reasons..

 

[scout86]

If you wouldn't mind a question, what happened after you discovered this wasn't normal?

I was already seeing a therapist, who's pretty good. He took his time in pointing this minor detail out. So, mostly, I was surprised. (I "get" surprise. LOL) He said he thought I might have something called "alexithymia". (There are some forums out there for that. What I found were too weird for my taste.) It's kind of an ongoing process, filling in the gaps. I'll probably never really "get it", but learning about this has really helped explain some of the unexplained stuff that's happened over my life.

Imagine one soldier lived through an IED and got PTSD, while another survives a nuclear blast mentally fine. Objectively, the nuke was a more catastrophic event, but wasn't as tramautic for that individual.

Entirely possible, the way I understand it.

I've been this way everyday since my earliest memory, till everyday going forward.

Me too. I had no idea that the way I experience things wasn't typical. As my T says, "How would you?"

However, one does have to wonder, if PTSD and other issues have inhibited my ability to express what would have been the real me, then who am I?

That's actually a valid question to address with a professional, PTSD or not.

Psychologist straight out told me that I may be an emotional tank right now, but that might come crumbling down if I do therapy for good reasons..

And, it might come crashing down if you DON'T do therapy too. A friend told me year's ago that he thought I had PTSD. At the time, I thought, "Fine, I might be a little hypervigilant. Big deal. Noted and handled." A few years ago, I found myself researching "best methods of suicide". For reasons I can't explain, I also did a little research on "therapy for PTSD" too. Found a local T who seemed, maybe, ok. Almost emailed him a few times, deleted it, went back to reading up on suicide. One day I accidentally hit "send" instead of "delete". He replied right way. I'm kind of glad I did and that he did. If he'd given me any more time than he did, I'd have changed my mind. Who knows where that would have ended up?

Anyway, PTSD or not, you might benefit from talking through some stuff. You might also try researching the effect a narcissistic parent has on a kid. It's amazing. My mother was a narcissist, as is my brother. I always thought the problem was ME. LOL (BTW, welcome to the forum. :))

 

[Nimble7125]

And, it might come crashing down if you DON'T do therapy too. A friend told me year's ago that he thought I had PTSD. At the time, I thought, "Fine, I might be a little hypervigilant. Big deal. Noted and handled." A few years ago, I found myself researching "best methods of suicide". For reasons I can't explain, I also did a little research on "therapy for PTSD" too. Found a local T who seemed, maybe, ok. Almost emailed him a few times, deleted it, went back to reading up on suicide. One day I accidentally hit "send" instead of "delete". He replied right way. I'm kind of glad I did and that he did. If he'd given me any more time than he did, I'd have changed my mind. Who knows where that would have ended up?

Anyway, PTSD or not, you might benefit from talking through some stuff. You might also try researching the effect a narcissistic parent has on a kid. It's amazing. My mother was a narcissist, as is my brother. I always thought the problem was ME. LOL (BTW, welcome to the forum. :))

Ah, the post which took hours, days, or weeks to write, I know the feeling. I saw the psychologist weeks ago actually. I had rewritten a post similar to this on reddit many times. I never actually hit post simply because I could never quite describe my situation in the most understandable way. It always felt like a jumbled mess of poorly explained words on emotions that I simply didn't understand.

As for the wall crumbling down, I've had one instance, recently actually, that made me realize there might be a wall built there to tear down. I was kinda spacing out at the store, and my wife asked what I was thinking about. I said nothing both times, when it was only true once. The first time, I was thinking about all the stuff I need to get done, and how I'm gonna be a failure if I can't among other positive things. I never have before and I don't know why I did then, but I asked myself why I never say what's on my mind. My reason was that's it's either boring or something I don't want others to worry about. I then thought, well I'll challenge myself do something out of the ordinary next time because why not. The next time she asked, my thoughts were on the negative side again, but I was gonna tell her anyway and let her know it doesn't bother me. The problem? My mouth wouldn't move. Internally, I'm as calm as always, and it was literally like my body just said no. Weirdest thing I've ever had happen.

Edit: Oh my mother is certainly a narcissist. Not excusing her behavior, but I'm actually fairly certain my mother's behavior was actually caused by her childhood. My grandmother is my mother to a degree far further. A victim of narcissistic parenting will often become narcissistic themselves. I'm on the /r/RaisedByNarcissists subreddit all the time.

 

[scout86]

I can relate to nearly all of your last post. LOL

it was literally like my body just said no.

I've had that happen a couple times. I don't know that I'd have believed it was a real thing if I hadn't actually experienced it.

I asked myself why I never say what's on my mind. My reason was that's it's either boring or something I don't want others to worry about.

I never asked myself that until after I started therapy, but the answers were about the same. "Nobody needs to know THAT."

Not trying to tell you what to do, at all. You sound plenty capable of deciding for yourself. But, I'm a lot older that you are. If I could go back to the age you are now, and have a chance to work some of this stuff out then instead of now? I'd do a lot for that chance. There's been a lot of stuff between that age and this one that could have been improved if I'd known then what I know now.

 

[Nimble7125]

I can relate to nearly all of your last post. LOL

I've had that happen a couple times. I don't know th...

It's the time delay fallacy. I don't see an issue yet or it isn't big enough, therefore it isn't one. Might as well heed the professional's advice and attend even if I don't quite feel it myself yet. I mean hell, I work for a state agency, so what are my cheap $15 insurance copays for it. If it turns out I'm all good, then no money really wasted.

 

[scout86]

Sounds like a plan! (Incidentally, my therapist asked me a couple of weeks ago how I knew something was "A Problem". In part, I guess, because I tend not to see it as a problem until it's a HUGE problem. LOL) I hope you stick around here!