Doing better freak out

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

In early July I went into the hospital for about two weeks. Since then I have been doing much better. I have been able to do things and have fun with my family. It's really been amazing. I am so afraid of this good stretch though that I had a melt down/freak out in my therapy session today.

I am afraid of the good stretch ending, but really it's been throwing my belief of my disorders into chaos. I have PTSD and DID (dissociative identity disorder) and I just keep crying and telling my therapist it was all a lie. The abuse didn't happen and I don't have parts. It's really quite irrational if I look at it from my therapist's point-of-view, but I can't seem to do that. I am wondering if anyone else has fears during a good stretch and if there's any advice or testimony that anyone can share with me.

 

[Mach123]

Yeah sure I was like that. I didn't believe it. Then I'd start to believe it for awhile then I'd think 'this is all fake I'm just playing along with them, saying what they want so I can keep everyone off my back and be disabled." I really felt like 'they're right, I should just get over it and stop this nonsense." So is it totally one way or the other? No. It's somewhere in between. I have gotten better. Lots better, not just a little. Yes, all this really happened and the stuff the therapist was telling me was essential in my healing. I had to trust her enough to get to where I could tell her anything and I kept trying to sabotage that so I wouldn't have to tell her. I kept trying to shoot myself in the foot so I'd have to fire her and that way I could walk out of there and never get the job done. Lucky for me she was a pro and she knew all that. She also knew I knew all that as well and she let me go on and on and eventually, it all came out and I mean all of it. : )

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

Thank you for responding, @Mach123 . I think my relationship and interaction with my therapist sounds very much like what you are describing. It does feel, right now, like it has to be one or the other- the bad stuff happened or I am doing well but not both. Thanks.