Dom Violence Domestic Violence and Children

[Nicolette]

Fascinating - I believe those of us with childhood abuse weren't programmed 'right'.

 

[Loloma]

Exactly Nicolette the programming was warped. It left us as adults 'exposed' and at the mercy of arseholes! I have a feeling that normal men could automatically sense that something was not quite right with us and backed away.

Or maybe it was us. I had a couple of really nice normal boyfriends when young, however I found them boring and dropped them. Big mistake.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

My parents are not really nice people by themselves and together they are even more hurtful, abusive and selfish. They should have never married. They separated when I was 7 years old and divorced when I was 9 after a few years of court battles.

I do remember some domestic violence growing up...mostly them screaming at each other. I do have a memory of hiding behind the couch while they scream at each other in the next room. When they separated my father went to live in a different state to go back to school. I was alone a lot with my mother who was very depressed and didn't get out of bed very much. I didn't have clean clothes very often, help with homework or meals. When my father would visit it would continue the yelling.

I don't remember him hitting her. My mother says there was both hitting and sexual abuse. Maybe I was to young to remember?

But what I think set me up to find my own domestic violence and men who sexually abused me was I was so alone all the time. So when someone finally did come along I tagged along happy to have someone to talk too. Of course, I only say this becasue the lonely times is what I remember. I may have just blocked out the major fighting between my parents.

 

[Nicolette]

I found them boring and dropped them

Because you were used to the drama/adrenaline/tension/anxiety that an abusive childhood conditions you to think as normal? Boring didn't feel right?

So when someone finally did come along I tagged along happy to have someone to talk too.

And maybe just someone to pay you attention?

 

[HëllaBubz]

Obviously, I'm not a child of separated parents, however I think my parents did more damage to me and the other children by staying together.

I was talking to an old family friend this evening, and she said that she saw that I was 'processing' and thinking about things deeply from a very young age, and she very delicately suggested that it was directly related to how things were at home, as to why I was that way from a young age.

I had a bit of a spat with my other half this evening, people were asking why I was rehoming the dog, so I was completely honest and blunt about the fact that my dad didn't know how to deal with her separation anxiety, and so hit her or locked her in a rubbish bin to punish her for things that were really their fault.

Other half told me I shouldn't slag off my parent's every time I speak about them, til I told him that he hadn't heard the whole conversation, yes it sounds like I am/was, but he didn't hear the rest of it.

I guess my thing is that most people don't talk about their childhood, they try to move on from it, but it's rather hard for me to do that when the same thought/behavior patterns are being perpetuated to this day, it's not like it happened 10 years ago, it happened a few weeks ago!

People keep telling me that he's changed, but when I hear statements from him like - "you can beat or starve or yell or lock up that dog, it just doesn't learn", or "why bother training or desexing her, just don't tell her new owners and fob her off and let her become their problem", all I hear is the asshole I wanted to kill years ago, who hasn't changed one f*cking bit.

But back to topic......I remember being highly stressed, anxious, on edge and wary as a child, resentful of the man who really seemed like he enjoyed the sound of his own voice trying to teach his children the 'straight and narrow path', but in the same breath would put down my mother or anyone else that disagreed with him or the way his self centered world worked.

Everything was, and is about him, and his whole behaviour perpetuated back stabbing, lying, cheating, manipulation and self righteous attitudes in his children, and I often hated him for how he treated my mother, and hated my mother for defending to us and backing up the asshole that picked on her.

And sometimes I still do.

I wanted someone I could trust or open up to, someone who understood me, and praised and loved me unconditionally, but instead I got shit thrown back in my face in arguements or bullying sessions, blackmail, manipulation, inconsistency, misplaced blame, and bullshit self righteous behaviour in that I was the outsider, I wanted love but I knew that what I needed would never come consistently or safely from the only 2 people who were available to give it.

 

[Nicolette]

It's really difficult when our parents fail us. Interestingly though, despite living through it we come out the other side with this huge burden of trying to untangle ourselves from the clutches of abuse.... We identify the unhealthiness of what we lived, the way our parents were/are, and struggle to comprehend the absurdity of how those who would normally love us the most, those we expect to protect us could harm us. It's almost incomphrensible....

 

[StarChild]

Some of the long-term effects may include copying their parental role models and behaving in similarly destructive ways in their adult relationships.

Since the title of this thread is "DV and children", there's something I'd like to share. Being raised by a brutal, unpredictable mother, made me rethink motherhood early in my life, I was fully aware of my emotional deficits and my irascibility. So, to stop the cycle of abuse, for me there was just one way to go: I decided at the age of 16 to never have children. I still remember the situation as if it was just yesterday: Sitting in a Bus and come to this decision at last. An so it was. My whole life I made sure to not to became pregnant, for I didn't want to carry the burden of an abortion (because of my decision).

I never felt regret about it. On the opposite; My decision gave me inner peace and freedom about the question of becoming a mother. Even if people asked me or tried to change my decision, I never felt guilty or the urge to explain it to them. So, even if some decisions in life may be very hard to do, if done with a good deal of thought, they can set our mind and heart at rest.

 

[Nicolette]

I grew up a slave to my mother's desire to have 8 children. Responsiblities placed upon me way beyond my years and a very little of a childhood. By the time I left home I saw children as a chore and nothing I desired. To me it was something you did when you married but nothing I ever craved.

Yes I have a son and wouldn't swap him for the world but he was a 'blessing' while I was suffering from bad endometriosis and specialists believed it would be a problem for me to even conceive. Not being able to have children didnt concern me and when I did amazingly fall pregnant I let my then to be husband decide what was best.

I did my utmost to be a good parent and change/avoid the bad experiences I endured. Would have I have ever planned to have children...well, given the opportunity later on in life I decided no.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

I was fully aware of my emotional deficits and my irascibility. So, to stop the cycle of abuse, for me there was just one way to go: I decided at the age of 16 to never have children.

Me too sweetlullaby. I feel I am not healthy enough to raise a child and I also worry that I was become overwhelmed and turn into a abuser. I refuse to have children and I do feel very at peace with that choice. It works out though becasue my husband doesn't really want children either for his own reasons.

 

[intothelight]

Knowing yourself and making the decision to have, or not to have children, is a really healthy thing to do. I wouldn't trade any of my children for the world, but I will always regret bringing them into the House of Hell. If I had "do overs" I would have not entered into that relationship, but I would have had children. I would have been a truly awesome parent without my ex in my life.

 

[HëllaBubz]

I had the pleasure of my other half turning to me in the car today, and telling me that of all the people that have passed through his life, I would undoubtedly be his first choice every time to have a child with, and he thinks that problems and all, I'll make a fantastic mother.

I wish I didn't have the PTSD and other crap to deal with, but I guess I'll just have to work extra hard to make sure life with me isn't a 'House of Hell'......no promises, but I'll bloody well try!

 

[Nicolette]

The sad reality with parenting is that you can only control what you do - and not the actions of your partner. Here's hoping all goes well Bubzilla. I am sure you will not allow your child to be brought up in the 'House of Hell'.

I would have been a truly awesome parent without my ex in my life.

You are despite all what you have gone through Debbie :)