Don't Know What To Do

[Shady_99']

I had my best friend open up to me the other night about her true feelings towards me and the things is there mutual. But I'm married and don't want to hurt either one. Love sucks

 

[Sherri Lynne]

I totally understand the part about love sucks. I don't really know how to love me I am scared to love because I never allowed myself to socialize. I am afraid to hurt someone or be hurt. I am 50 years old my mom had abused me from day one she started being jealous of me because Daddy was paying more attention to me and mom wanted all the attention. As I grew up the abuse got worse she gave my sister away but she told me the child protective services took her away and it was because I loved Becca. That day at age three I withdrew I shut down. I stopped socializing talking I just stopped. I found a love for books I could be what I wanted at age ten my mom and Daddy got a divorce and she brought in a guy that was a drugged up alcoholic well he started molesting me and I told her about what he was doing to me she chose him over me because she did not want to be alone in her.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I wouldn't do anything that could be called cheating because that's not a good place to go....everyone will end up getting hurt somehow. Take your time and think about it. Look at things from every angle? Sometimes I put things into what I call a "Bridges of Madison County" frame of mind. [Ignore the fact that Meryl cheated...] Do you remember that scene from the end of the movie where she says something along the lines of she knew she couldn't go away with the new guy because what they had would have died, it was confined to that few day time and space. She also knew that if she left, what she had with her husband would die, too. That is, certain relationships have certain parameters, and from the outside you may initially think that jumping in and going ahead full steam with something new is a good idea, but at second glance, you know that everything would change, the "new" situation wouldn't be quite as you envisioned it or it wouldn't stay the same. Does this make any sense? I use this line of reasoning a lot (probably too much....)

 

[Shady_99']

Thanks Solara, yes you made sense, I am just terrified of change or if I make the wrong decision. I know I can be happy both places, I just don't want to hurt anyone

 

[Justmehere]

I would suggest you focus on your marriage and exhaust all options to make it work and become best friends and best lovers with your wife.

If the other woman, your best friend, is really worth it, really is a good friend to you, she will respect your decision to honor your commitment to your wife as much as possible. She may have feelings for you, but tire friends don't try to break up a marriage, no mater how strong the feelings are.

When people leave marriages for another person - it often does not work out. It's partly because underlying issues are sometimes ignored. It's also often because both parties know the other may be willing to cheat or leave a committed relationship, any committed relationship, if someone new comes along. It's also because of how the relationship started - as an enticing escape and alternative... Without the realities and problems that usually come later on.

If your best friend is really a best friend, she may be disappointed but will support you spending time exhausting all ways to make your marriage work.

If she is not supportive of this, she isn't really a best friend or a friend at all. Real love sacrifices the needs of self in healthy ways in order to help another be happy. Sometimes love means saying no to things we want and things others want. Love is very hard, but it is worth it to make the right choices, even if it is painful sometimes.

You wrote that you can be happy in both places - and that makes me think this is less about love and more about how hard it is for you to say no. It is common in marriage to be attracted to other people. Marriage is a commitment to not go for all those possible relationships but to have your wife be the one, in spite of other once notable attractions to other people.

You already know you can be happy in your marriage, do the loving thing for both your wife and your friend and tell your friend no to having a romantic relationships with her. If she really loves you back, she will love you for your desire to honor your commitment to your wife. Real love honors and respects such boundaries.

 

[Kefira]

My only advice is to tread carefully and really consider it. At least one, possibly all of you will be hurt. This is about what you want and feel. Ultimately only you can decide what's best.

However, I also wanted to say that I often feel drawn to women when I'm with a boyfriend or vice versa. I think it's difficult seeing the benefit of both biological sexes as they would relate to you in a monogamous relationship and knowing they may be very different types of beauty and you can only have one. Then you add that same choice for two people on top of it.

:hug:s if you accept them.

 

[Sherri Lynne]

That is, certain relationships have certain parameters, and from the outside you may initially think that jumping in and going ahead full steam with something new is a good idea, but at second glance, you know that everything would change, the "new" situation wouldn't be quite as you envisioned it or it wouldn't stay the same. Does this make any sense?

I really know how you feel. How do you socialize when you never been around people? I am afraid of people. I have panic attacks some really bad ones at least three I had pseudoseizures. I am learning more of my triggers all the time. I will try to listen and help if I can.