Doubt - Do You Have It?

[Chava]

NO. But I have doubted it mattered....like I felt I have deserved the struggle, if that makes sense. Sort of a side topic, but has to do with not accepting clearly (like @Snowwhite said about taking herself seriously...that's been very hard for me). I don't doubt the reality of trauma and struggle...just whether or not my life should involve less constant suffering.

 

[Senecia]

Hey guys. Thanks for your replies. To clarify I'll give a few details.
I was very recently diagnosed with PTSD and because I've struggled with keeping a good, open relationship with my mom, I've been trying to keep her in the loop. Trying to keep that friendship going, I suppose. Though that's hard, because she's...pretty much the reason for all of this. Lots of nasty abuse over the years. Anyway, I told her that I had PTSD, and she didn't handle it too well. She said, "Well you have a label now. Don't go parading it around like a badge of honor. Are you gonna let that be your identity?"
I was pretty upset by what she said. Throughout the depressive episodes I've been in the past, she always has said, "You just aren't trying hard enough. You aren't looking at the bright side of things. You just want to suffer and be sad."

Surely that's not the case. But her words echo in my mind and make me think that I am doing exactly what she said. Part of me worries that I do want to stay in this state, because I've never been validated with her. I'm always "crying out for attention" and whatnot. I told her I was diagnosed because I was hoping she'd say, "Wow. So what you have is actually real." instead of blowing it off as hormones. I know in my heart that I do want to get better, and get out of it, because I was the one who ultimately put myself in therapy despite all her shame she put on me for it. Her words are just sitting in my ears.

 

[Senecia]

@sun seeker

is it more about the label or the trauma that you are doubting?

I suppose it's both, but more so the trauma. I keep thinking that I'm either making it up or playing it out to be worse than it is. I doubt the trauma because I think I'm "overreacting" or working myself up for nothing. However, that's also what I've been told for years - get over it, you're just being too sensitive. Then my doubt of trauma leads to a doubt of my diagnosis, like I somehow just manipulated what I was saying to where it sounds like I have PTSD or something. I don't know, my brain makes things up. I have faith in psychoanalysis. You really can't hide what you're going through when you're pouring your heart out to somebody in a confidential environment.

@Snowwhite

I think I need the acknowledgement that a diagnosis brings: at least that means I'm not making it up or being a drama queen, right?

That's exactly what I'm referring to here. I'm trying to accept that there is something wrong. Before I was diagnosed, I was absolutely sure. But now that there's an acronym for my struggle, my brain is freaking out. I feel like I can't talk about it with family or family friends, really, because I feel I'm shaming them just by bringing it up. My mom says that I'm putting all the blame on her for everything, and it hurts.

 

[sun seeker]

I've been trying to keep her in the loop. Trying to keep that friendship going, I suppose. Though that's hard, because she's...pretty much the reason for all of this.

I can so relate to this, being in a very similar situation. I know just how much it hurts and how confusing it can be wanting validation from the same person who hurt you in the first place.

My experience is that it just doesn't work, and will always be like trying to get water out of a stone. But many people tried to tell me that and I had to go through the process of banging my head against the wall for a long time trying to make it work, before I could begin to see it for myself. It's actually only in the past week or so that I'm seeing this in a new light.

I won't tell you to stop trying, because I know how hard that advice is to follow. But I will say please make sure you have other people in your life who will validate you just as you are. That's so important and you deserve that support.

 

[Tinyflame]

.. I do find myself constantly comparing and wondering if I'm "sick enough" to receive the help I'm seeking. Even therapy at times, but I'm in a program right now where I'm having a lot of doubt over whether I deserve the resources and time being given..

I really relate to this, up until today. I think the 'feeling of' or denial or minimizing of how it doesn't impact my life or 'is nothing' is another 'lie' of ptsd & will contribute to my demise if believe it. The truth is the opposite, & it's ok to accept that & help. :)

 

[Senecia]

Thanks so much @sun seeker. I like that, getting water out of a stone... I'm glad someone else has had the same experience. My therapist has told me that I might need to accept that it will never happen. I can want it, but just have to accept that I can't make people do anything. It'll hurt a lot, but I have a feeling my efforts will stop once I move away from her. With no obligation to keep her content so I don't get kicked out, I can sit quietly. :) At least just regarding her, there's so much more.

 

[sun seeker]

With no obligation to keep her content so I don't get kicked out, I can sit quietly

Wait - kicked out of where? Do you live with her? Is that why you have to stay on her good side? Have I missed a crucial point here?

 

[Senecia]

@sun seeker And the plot thickens! I am 19 and live with her. That's exactly why I have to stay on her good side. I haven't gotten away yet, I still live in this minefield of an apartment. I would love to leave, but I don't have the means, or seemingly the mental strength, to survive just yet.

 

[sun seeker]

And the plot thickens!

At least you are able to have a sense of humour about a bad situation. That will help you survive. :) No wonder you are desperate for her approval. It's not your fault. Once you get out of there you will feel so much more free.

The thing I keep coming back to is, you need a solid support system. The more you try to get that support from your mom, the more crazy she will make you feel. We are here to support you. I hope you can find other supports as well.

Do you have things you like to do that take your mind off things? What's your favourite music?

 

[holdenmonty]

I'm not sure if this is really relivant but here it goes anyway. I have doubted my diagnosis several times. When I got to the point where I stoped treatment for the first time I was thinking so am I cured what does it exactly mean and if I was able to get to the point where I was ready to be done with treatment when others struggle so much did I even have it to begin with. Then when I started having symptoms again and started getting help and was told I wasn't diagnosable with PTSD but was diagnosed with anxiety with no other symptoms made me wonder about being diagnosed in the first place or anything like that. I have always struggled with labeling myself and I think I was searching for a label but have gotten to the point where I want to know what the diagnosis is to get the help that I need. I have also accepted that because I was diagnosed with PTSD and have come to my own conclusion from my own experience and the experience of many people I have meet on the forums that it isn't something that is "cured" but more or less something that is able to managed at times but still lets you know it's there other times.

 

[Senecia]

@holdenmonty I can completely relate. It does feel like it has disappeared when things have gotten better, until it smacks you in the face again. I hope you are getting the help you need now to conquer your struggles.

it isn't something that is "cured" but more or less something that is able to managed at times but still lets you know it's there

So the journey begins, eh? I'm sure it'll improve. News! I'm having a meeting with my therapist tomorrow about medications. I'm not really religious, but I sure find myself praying when I'm hoping this hard it works. I want to break this rut.

 

[Tanishq]

Have you doubted yourself ans your struggle?

Yes, I have doubts just like everyone struggles.

Thought you were making it up, or anything of the like?

No I didn't think I was making it up, I believe doubts do come in progress. It is just test, do you have faith in what you are trying? Normal in my opinion.

Senecia, I would like to say you are not alone in this, I want you to know this.