Drinking Alcohol

[Deleted member 1860]

I'm sure you can see why this is in the relationship forum.

So anyway, when I was young, from about age 3ish to I think about age 9ish, my mother had a drinking problem. My brother and sister were born somewhere in there, and no, she didn't drink while pregnant, its just that I can't remember the exact timeline of events or when it all started or she stopped (for the most part). I say it was alcoholic behavior, she says it was self medicating and that it never affected me. I prefer to call a spade a spade. To this day she denies anything bad ever happened or that it ever did anything bad to me. I know better, because I know it did. I am not talking to my mother right now, but it is inevitable that I will see her at some point in the future. I am still very much trying to move past what happened as a young child. I processed much of what happened in trauma therapy, but given that I have had ongoing contact with her, that trauma is still not fully resolved.

A few years ago I dated someone who had a drinking problem. Well, correction, we went out on one date before I could see that the drinking was a huge problem. I called it off because I knew I couldn't handle the drinking. Last I heard, this person was going to Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) meetings, but I don't know if the excessive drinking ever stopped. I knew that I could not be around someone who drank that much. It just dug up all those unresolved feelings from childhood of being helpless and wanting to run.

Fast forward to now. I am seeing this guy who drinks a lot, but also denies that it is a problem. He says that he is a social drinker, but I know of two instances where he has been drinking alone. One time it was a 24 pack of beer, another time it was a 6 pack. I spoke to him about this and he told me he didn't drink that much and that it wasn't a problem. I liked him so much that I just let it slide. (Please don't beat me up for this, as I didn't want to see what was really going on at the time). I told him that drinking was a HUGE issue for me as I had an alcoholic mother. I don't know if he doesn't understand my point of view as his mom is currently an alcoholic. I think this follows the pattern than some fall into.....you either follow the same path of destruction that you grew up with, or it disgusts you to the point where you turn a 180 and won't engage in it at all. He is following in his mother's footsteps while I want to be nothing like my mother. Of course, not everyone follows this pattern of polarization, but I see it happen enough. He told me that he wouldn't stop drinking, but he wouldn't ever drink in front of me. Maybe he meant this to mean that he wouldn't ever get drunk in front of me, I don't know, as he has had a drink in front of me, and it has made me very uncomfortable. We were in public at the time and I didn't want to make it an issue so I didn't bring it up.

Something came to light last night and it made me realize that the drinking is likely a bigger issue than he admits to or that I can see. I won't get into it here, but I will say that there are a number of BIG areas in his life that are falling apart right now and I have a feeling that many (not all) are in some way connected to the drinking issue. Yes, I could confront him about it, but he likely won't tell me the truth, or if he does come clean, he will say that he is willing to change. Neither of these options is acceptable, as I won't be someone's savior. I fully believe in the AA philosophy of being out of a relationship for the first year of sobriety (or is that no new relationships...? either way, this relationship is so new, it still fits). At most, he's only got a few days sober at this point, if that. So really, I have no desire to confront him about this again. There is nothing he can say or do to change the truth. (What little I have seen is enough to end things, even though I am speculating on it being a bigger issue.)

I told him it was over because I cannot handle this sort of behavior. I cannot handle the drinking. Nice or not, I told him that he should have been upfront with me from the beginning and he wouldn't have gotten hurt. Yes, this WAS discussed early on, and he told me that he had an occasional drink and was only a social drinker. Funny, because I've come to realize that EVERYONE is a social drinker, from those who have 2 drinks a year to those who are hard core alcoholics in denial. The only ones who say they aren't social drinkers are those who never drink at all (I haven't had a drink in almost 3 years now, unless you count communion....) or those who are alcoholics in active recovery. That's why it's so hard to have the "do you drink" conversation with anybody. Yes, some are honest, but those who drink a lot also say its just a social thing and minimize how much they actually consume. Its a pain to have to actually see this behavior in action before being able to know the truth.

There is more. Little things said here and there that when put together make me realize that he is in denial. He minimizes the drinking behavior of his father. "Oh, he stopped drinking the hard stuff and switch to light beer".....as if there aren't people with drinking problems who only drink light beer. He minimizes his own drinking and threw blame onto his ex....oh, she had a huge problem with me having an *occasional* drink. These statements & more....when put together paint a much clearer picture about how the alcohol really is an issue and he is deep in the trenches of denial, and possible dependency/addiction.

I'm a little bit angry. I'm mostly just sad though. Also confused a bit, as most of the time when someone exits my life for whatever reason, I go into an episode of sorts that is related to my abandonment issues....it doesn't matter who decided to end things when it comes to this trigger. I'm also confused because I am expecting to feel guilty, but again, I don't.

All I know is that I can't go back. What's done is done, and I need to move forward. I am going to make a list of non-negotiables when it comes to relationships. I have a partial list in my head, but I often forget it when I need to consult it the most.

Thanks for reading. I had to get this out.

 

[Bees Are Awesome]

You are right, in AA we are encouraged not to make any big changes the first year like moving, new job, new relationship, etc. It's not really a "rule" but is suggested.

We alcoholics can rationalize and justify pretty much any kind of behavior. I had been told to stop drinking and get help for it multiple times by different people but I always thought they were the ones that were crazy. I was fine. My problem wasn't drinking it was my job or a relationship or my parents or society at large that was to blame. Never my drinking and never me. Until a person hits their "bottom" it is unusual for an alcoholic/addict to really see their dependence on a substance and choose to do something about it.

I'm sorry that you were treated so poorly by your mother and that she denies any of that impacting your life. Sounds like she either completely believed a lie that she has told herself or knows what she did and her pride keeps her from admitting it. Either way it is harmful to her and to you. It is good that you are realizing what you do and do not want in a relationship because of your experiences. I think the older we get we become more adept at knowing what we want and don't want in relationships and out of life.

I wish you luck in your future endeavors and relationships. You sound like you have a good head on your shoulders.

 

[seedling]

Sorry it didn't work out and that it was so hard to see in the beginning. You are right, there is no use in beating yourself up about any of it. You've done well to minimize the hurt to yourself and set the boundaries you need.

That denial is sure sneaky and hard to get around. I wish the best for you an for him as well.

 

[RussH]

I think the fact that he told you he would not stop drinking is a pretty clear indication that is drinking is a problem.

 

[scout86]

Sorry it worked out that way! You know, though, "not feeling guilty" most likely means you're at a better place yourself than you've been in the past. That's certainly a good thing.

Just in case it helps to hear it, I think you made the right choice, even though it was hard and disappointing.

 

[The Albatross]

I think you approached and navigated the whole situation to the best of your ability. Angry and sad are understandable considering the lengths you went to, to express and communicate your concerns and the way you received his responses. Sometimes for a person the ending of a relationship is a wake up call, some times not. But for you, you defended your boundary and were wise to decide that a partner with a drinking problem would not be a good fit.

You did what's right for you Solara and that's a good thing. Hold on to that thought okay?

 

[RussH]

@Solara I agree with@Albatross you did well, and defended your boundries. And I also agree that a partner that drinks is not good for you. I would even hesitate to consider someone who is a recovering alcholic. It is just a fire you don't need to play with.

 

[shimmerz]

Was it the drinking or the refusal to take responsibility? I hear that both your mother and this man refused to take responsibility for the damage that they were doing to themselves and those around them. Alcohol allows people to have excuses for poor behaviour at all times. As far as your mother goes, her denying that her drinking affected you at all seems like gaslighting to me. Never a fun game to play and not use arguing with this type of person about it. Just know your truth.

 

[Sighs]

I know it hurts but you have done the right thing. You are not alone and you should not beat yourself up over what happened.

My father was an alcoholic for many many years. I don't know whether he still is because I don't see that much of him. I don't drink. I always said I would never be with someone who drank heavily. And yet... some years ago I found myself (and worse - my daughter) living with an alcoholic.

Like your ex, he said he was a social drinker and hid it from me. I honestly had no idea how much he drank until we moved in together. Again like your ex, he told me that the reason it bothered me was not his behaviour but my "issues" from my dad's drinking. Then his mother died, the rest of his family stopped speaking to him and his son was hospitalised for a mental illness and he lost his job. (The latter 3 all contributed to by his alcoholism.) His response was to drink even more heavily. I told him it was over and he stopped drinking for a couple of weeks. By then it was too late. I had lost all respect for him. I feel like I wasted 4 years of my life and damaged my daughter because I was not able to recognise the alcoholism until we moved in together.

I saw his online dating profile just the other day. (Its been about 2 years since we split.) He describes himself as a social drinker.

You did the right thing!

 

[Chava]

Ditto good work defining and defending your boundaries. I've been sober many years and what makes me sad is the friends or colleagues who think they can get another friend or family member sober by just telling them how much their drinking is messing up their lives. As sad as parts of your story is, you likely know very well that you can't love an alcoholic sober or fix them. You could support them somehow, but you don't have to. You have suffered enough and deserve boundaries. Alcoholics wreak all kinds of havoc on relationships and their own lives. Hopefully he will find a reason and way to get sober for himself at some point, but good for you for taking care of yourself.

Sadness is really hard for me. I don't really end relationships....I have a patterns of letting them fall apart. I become distant...I used to starve myself into a fuzzy oblivion, and then the guy who cared about me (and I cared about him, too), would gently dump me and I wouldn't feel a thing. Anyway, as much as I tried to numb myself to ended relationships with guys I cared about, even a little, it hurt...and I always pushed sadness far away into some little tiny cave inside myself. I have some of the abandonment trigger stuff, too...mine is mostly feelings that I do not exist. Hang in there...do whatever feels supportive, whether connecting with a trusted friend, doing things you love or that feel comforting....and allow a little sadness if it feels okay. It's normal, but I say that full aware of how overwhelming it can be too...((hugs))....

 

[franciemarnie]

I am glad you trusted your instincts. I wish I had more over the years. Wish I could've felt them. Now I do anyway, and now is all that exists -though my primitive brain would have me believe otherwise sometimes.

 

[nursenurse]

Hi Solara.

I am so very sorry for what you have gone through, and what you are still going through. Alcohol is such a demon. I deal with it all the time in my practice, I can just see the faces of those I have looked after, while reading your post. They come in stinking drunk saying they haven't had anything, then admit to "a little," then to "2 cups" and finally to "eight coffee mugs", of hard liquor. From a health care point of view, we always at least double what anyone says, in an ER situation. I think a lot of times we can extrapolate that to everyday social situations.

As RussH said, it was pretty telling when he said he wouldn't stop drinking. As if sitting in his own place alone scarfing down bottles is any consolation to the person who cares about him.

You are a bright, articulate and special woman. I know you know it in your head that to be "abandoned" by a functional alcoholic is no real loss, but it is so hard to feel that in the heart. One more loss.

My reason for being on this forum, last year, denied that he used any drugs at all, although the house he boarded in was rife. It was a place he could afford while on disability. And I believed him. It was a deal breaker from my end, I said, from day one, not as a judgement call on him personally, but simply that drugs could never be a part of my life, even casual use. And I ignored the signs that all was not as they seemed.

It is coming up on a year. I have hated how alone I was made to feel, how stupid I felt, and how unloveable I felt, after we split, even though he was a bold faced liar and cheater.

But, you know, self love and self preservation comes first. Your need for a non alcohol relationship is not unreasonable, never mind what you have endured in your life. Guilty? I am glad you don't feel guilty. You are taking charge of your own needs, deciding the kind of life partner you need for yourself. That is admirable, and something I wish a lot more folks on these forums would do. Bottom line, he should have told you, been honest with you right from the beginning, and he wasn't.

Each relationship holds its own lessons. Boundaries, deal makers, deal breakers. I just wish that it could happen with one relationship, instead of taking several to decide all that. Denial by those around us stunts their emotional growth. They just get stuck.

Your Mom may or may not ever admit her issues. I would not count on it, which then means you have to accept her at the level she is at and distance yourself as necessary, so that you can flourish.

No beating you up Solara. You don't deserve it, you don't deserve what was handed to you. Remember the lines from "The Help" - "You is kind. You is smart. You is important." :hug: if you will accept it.