Drunk Because I Can Be!

[HealingandDealing]

Tonight is Friday. I have no work tomorrow....really nothing tomorrow and I am drunk off of chardonnay. My therapist and I agreed that I would not drink over one bottle of wine a night. Anyone care to guess how many I am on? Answer: 2.

I don't know. It is not like it makes me feel any better. I still feel like crap. I still feel depressed but it makes me less caring of all of it. I guess I am a functioning alcoholic? Or not really because I don't NEED it. I can go weeks without drinking. And then just chill for weeks...or when I am broke and can't afford it. I don't go around drinking any alcohol I can get my hands on...just wine. I have had a whole thing of tequila sitting in my cabinet for a month that I have not touched because I olnly drink it with margaritas.

Something about pouring a glass of wine and sipping it is just such a stress reliever. I know it's not positive self care. I know it is not a form of processing. But am I the only one who does not care?

I am not sure what the point of this post was but thanks for reading.

HealingAndDealing

 

[Rumors]

Hang in there HD. Perhaps you can make tapering off your goal? Numbness is a good feeling at times but as you know when you use it as a coping strategy, it isn't healthy. However, just the fact that youbalready realize this puts you ahead of the game.

Good luck!

 

[discarded]

My exhusband informs me it is his way of fixing the problem (PTSD). It fixed one of his problems, I left him, no more nagging support.

 

[BloomInWinter]

Can you tell us what your definition of alcoholic is? I can't really respond to your questions until I know what you mean.

I am a recovering alcoholic, so I have a definition I use, but yours may be different. What I do know is that one doesn't have to wait to be clinically an alcoholic to get help for drinking.

There's always a lower bottom waiting for me. But thankfully we can grab any bottom on the way down.

 

[HealingandDealing]

I guess I think of alcoholic as someone who has to have alcohol to cope, and who is addicted to it. I'm not addicted, and I can cope without it and I do a lot of the time.

 

[The Albatross]

I read this earlier this morning Healing and Dealing, but wasn't sure what you were after in the way of a response.

I expect though that if you made an agreement for one bottle of wine and were on your second (by agreement with your therapist), that you decided to rebel or act out a bit for whatever reason. Bring it up in your next therapy session.

As far as alcohol use, there are various guidelines on the net, and I wouldn't begin to presume to guess. If an agreement was necessary however, I would expect there to be a reason your use of alcohol came up.

 

[HealingandDealing]

The agreement came up with my therapist because addiction runs in my family and I am always afraid of it. I hate taking my meds because I do not want to become addicted to ANYTHING. I am also struggling because my therapist is out on maternity leave and has been gone for 2 months.

Albatross, I am not sure what I wanted either. I guess I was venting. I was just not happy and needed an outlet.

HealingAndDealing

 

[The Albatross]

I guess then to appropriately evaluate and relieve you perhaps of the fear of addiction... charting your use for a few months may be helpful.

I have used a calendar to assess my drinking days with amounts (I am a co-occuring behavior, PTSD/Alcohol abuse or addiciton).

I do though think it's telling, that you would make an agreement and then choose to open a second bottle. That your agreement was in place, though your therapist is on maternity leave does not mean the agreement was invalid.

You do though acknowledge that you are struggling. So I would perhaps give some thoughts about the reason the second bottle was opened and you disregarded the agreement. You are the only one who can know if it was maladaptive or not.

 

[NarcSis]

I drink like that on occasion, a few times a year, not to cope, not because I'm depressed and definitely not because I'm addicted, I do it to let loose. I sing, I dance, I play guitar and usually stop after one bottle of wine.

I no longer feel safe in crowds so drinking in public, with people, doesn't happen anymore. I never let myself get amnesiac drunk, just loose enough to have fun and be one with my music.

It's easier for me to do it now that I'm not working, but I always admit that I've done it - no guilt. If there's guilt attached to it then maybe you should investigate why. Just a thought.

 

[anonymous]

Bring it up in your next therapy session.

My T does not allow me to vomit in his sessions even after a bucketful of wine.

 

[The Albatross]

I'd rather vomit paying for a service than on my spouse, family of friends. But I assume you're joking. Perplexed that the cloak of of anonymous had to be thrown on the comment... but hey, to each their own.

 

[BloomInWinter]

...someone who has to have alcohol to cope, and who is addicted to it.

That seems like a realistic late-stage diagnosis. All alcoholics in the late stage meet this.

Not everyone who drinks like you will go on to develop the full-blown diagnosis. But every single alcoholic was once 'just' at your stage of drinking, including me.

There are many bottoms on the way down. It was a relief to find out I didn't have to keep falling all the way to the bottom before I could get help. I could grab any 'bottom' on the way down.

I hit bottom when I was 19. Thank goodness I didn't have to keep going to meet the end-stage after a life of misery.

I do remember, clearly, refusing to call myself an alcoholic for quite a while. But, here's the thing I discovered. Normal drinkers just don't wonder if they are alcoholics. They don't have alcohol-related regrets, generally. They don't get alcohol-related assignments from professional therapists, and they aren't motivated to visit websites looking for answers.

We all get to decide if something is a problem enough just for ourselves that we want to do something about it. If it's not a problem, then great!

I know I'm a pickle. I can't ever be a cucumber again. I wish I had stopped before I became a pickle so I could still drink. But then again, non-alcoholics don't obsess on that wish like I do.

Wherever your journey takes you, may safety, luck, and joy be a part of your travels.