There are plenty of toxic people out there don't care about their effect on others. The fact that we feel like we're toxic is only a feeling, and feelings aren't facts. When we begin to feel better about ourselves and have a more accurate perception about ourselves as compared to others, this feeling goes away.
Aw Dear Bloom, thank you, I hope so. I had no idea this is common with long-term ptsd. It definitely increased in the last few years. To be clear, feeling like a "time bomb" I think is more a fear of 'if ever' at some point I imploded and caused others suffering, not a daily occurence, but just once (if ever) would be too much. On a daily basis, I guess its more the regret (and knowledge) of the degree of accomodation (my) ptsd requires, compared to someone without ptsd. At least in my mind, anyway. Which mght not be entirely accurate, as others have said everyone has different sorrows or 'stuff', and relates differently. Though I'm capable of it but I'm not inclined to outbursts or rage in relationships. Though similarly, or equally so, I imagine I would regard it the same way if I had cancer, or something else. Whether I 'learned' that that was inexcusable (and burdensome and to be avoided at all costs) or 'taught myelf', it is very ingrained since I was a child.
Unfortunately I could just about have my picture beside the definition above. Except for the 'victimizing others' part at the end of the big definition. I skimmed through the file (just home from work) but will read it all, wow, thank you. It may take me a while, lol :) . Xox, ((((dear Bloom)))).
My life has been a combination of healthy choices and trauma-influenced ones. On a positive note, I finally have some idea (specifically) why ptsd kicked in (only took 28 years to figure out! :eek: ). I think I am a compassionate person, though selfishly I wished I worked or was somewhere I could regroup on my own, instead, at this point in my life. At one point I would have thought that awful (for me), but now I wish for the opposite . I think logically part too of lacking feeling of a purpose corresponds or inter-relates to not being needed. But that is independent of overcoming the feeling 'we' need to justify being on the planet! :rolleyes: :( That does seem characteristic of ptsd, too.
And I think a large part of ptsd that goes under-recognized is the sheer physical toll it takes on one's body. And to be able to 'feel' the changes and know cognitively they don't have a basis, but still they are almost always there- so draining! For example, I did this silly but simple test ("Dr Oz", who I normally never watch, said look at the inside of lower eyelid-'cul de sac'- white is anemic,vs red, mine is white now). Well, have described it ( to myself) as if I felt I've given blood- guess I have (the equivalent)! Lol. It's a relief to know it's (the tiredness) is maybe not just 'me'. So I think many of these things all come in to play: symptomology, distorted thinking, healthier choices, past experiences (good and bad), etc.
Its taken me a long time to view anything past as qualifying as traumatic, or even 'empathisable' (especially as per applying empathy to myself), and even less understandable as to how others could bear 'it' or 'me' (as they have a choice where as I do not, as per myelf). I really don't understand that part. However, I know I try to give a lot of compassion to others, but as I said, given the opportunity I'd seclude myself more, so I feel like a bit of a fraud, or at least worn out. It's like having to be extroverted for a lifetime when it goes against my grain. Similarly, I have no desire for abuse in relationships, but neither would I have made a very good "Domestic Diva", lol. Oye, that would have been awful for my type. In a healthy way (true to myself) I never wanted "cheese sandwich" relationships ("take-it-or-leave-it"), but just like they said above one ends up open to abusive types. I find accepting ptsd hard, or perhaps lonely, as evidenced by how difficult it is to explain to others. That's where or how I fear hurting others, I understand the implications or depths of the implications, where as they can't.
But I would rather accept as you said that that might be a heightened 'feeling' in me, and at least try to think differently (or to not think). I heard something today that people can receive help, even without thinking of it or asking for it (voicing it). I don't mean an expectation that it doesn't take work, or that anything will passively improve. But I know for myself, much of this (originally) came about when I was actively trying to seek help for someone else, as well as to bear it myself, and help them. Though it had nothing to do with ptsd. Yet in the process I've received it. It's just that it's been painful to dig up. Did you find the same sorrow and upheaval and uncertainty first?
I also heard a man say today, he lost the use of his right hand (dominant), he's learning to use his left, he can write a few words and it's not as painful now, either. Maybe there's a lot of wisdom in that.
(((((Sweet sweet Bloom :inlove: )))))
