Eliminating Exposure To Ptsd For Others' Sake?

[Tinyflame]

What gets me too, is (for the dog's sake as well, and for my own 'survival' (sic) ), I tell him now "so-and-so loves (you)" and vice versa, and "you'll have a new good mommy (X) and home", so that he'll feel good about it, because they are very smart. The girl's mother there said, "nice (for us- my sister and I) when they come all trained like that" (of course he came with virtually none, and would 'pee' in fear at the sight of a person. Woman who runs it said, "OH NO HE DIDN'T!") Anyway, at least for the dog's sake now he's house-broken, fantastic for coming, sit, down, go lay down no-chewing (toys instead), quiet in the crate, great on leash, shakes hands, and gives a high-5, kisses, always reinforced him to be gentle, he was great there today even with kids.

I sound like a jealous-b*tch, though at this point I would probably even dislike Mother Teresa adopting him, but girl adopting is getting a (her) Masters, dog bought by parents/ father for her protection, going to take him to 'work out' with her. I can't help but feel obviously once again I was 'defective', if I was meant to keep him I would have him, obviously. Some saying like that, "for those who have less even that will be taken". I hope he means as much to her. Then again, I hope that's some 'sign' I won't have to be around long, I've about had it on losses and pain, especially caused by others. What really drives it home is what an as*hole my sister is, that I have no say, nor say in what causes me pain, just another reminder of having no family except for someone trying to cause you hurt, and no way out, having to even live in it.


But like everything else I will numb out to it and bury it with the rest, or I won't.

 

[Abstract]

Junebug, :hug:
Don't you own half of the flat? And she Oked getting the dog before you brought it in? Why on earth is the dog gone now? :( I know how much you loved it.:inlove: It's just not OK for her to do that. What is her justification?

What can you do to get away from your sister? I really think being continually exposed to being treated like this is terribly bad for us. I never got any better until I started getting away from abusive people.

 

[Tinyflame]

Yes to the first Abstract, 'she' decided to foster, I disagreed, she did it anyway, they are supposed to go (be placed).

Yes to owning. I can't see a way out except for dying, or if homelessness etc happened first.

I have no one really I can talk to, not that there's anything to say, definitely no help, no where to turn, nothing or no where left that brings any comfort hope or peace. I am an invisible statistic that slips through the cracks (more like a chasm). Others would just say I am lucky to have a home and work. I won't get out til I die. It becomes a 'vent' when nothing can be done about it. Well which has no point anyway, really, right. That's what I mean by it doesn't matter. I guess managing the ptsd becomes second in importance.

Thanks for always listening. :hug: PS, I am glad for your 'breakthrough'. :inlove: :tup:

 

[Tinyflame]

Not to mention today my sister is devastated giving the dog up, said "I was right". Emotionally and said was way too intensive, apparently yesterday they said 'he stole the show and hearts' and was 'best behaved'. She said apparently the others aren't investing that kind of time/ training.

 

[Tinyflame]

She has asked the if they will let us adopt him, their policy is 'no' (too late now :( ) or she will lose credibility, unless family agrees. So she will talk to them and it's all up to them.

 

[Mercy]

It's molding yourself in to what others want, making others feel at ease, conversation that half the time is mindless. It's frequently of little depth.

Yup, I agree with you. I hear you-What's the point. I am a placator too and will "mold" myself into what other people want. For me, that was survival. I had to learn how to act, who to be, to avoid punishment and to do my keepers bidding. PTSD is like an huge hangover that lasts the rest of my life.

Because someone 'keeps quiet', doesn't mean they can't tell the difference between genuine or caring and disingenuous or abusive.

You have such a tender heart, of course you can tell the difference. Maybe, you have one of the kindest hearts. To me, our sufferings carve great wells in our inmost beings. As we pull up the rocks and vines of our sufferings, that well deepens and begins to be filled with God's love. Our pain can be transformed from stinky mud to pure water. We can become springs of living water. That is the hope, a great source of kindness within you for you and for anyone you write your tenderness to.

I have no one really I can talk to, not that there's anything to say, definitely no help, no where to turn, nothing or no where left that brings any comfort hope or peace. I am an invisible statistic that slips through the cracks (more like a chasm).

Oh sweet Junebug, I'm so sorry you feel like this. You have had more than enough suffering. We all have our low times and lower ones. I am always amazed that even when you are in pain, you are able to be so kind and supportive here on the forum. I honor that about you. Thank Heavens you can speak out here and not have to keep all your pain hidden.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Dear Mercy, I marvel at YOUR strength and tenderness. (((((((Mercy :inlove: )))))))) Yes, I have much to be thankful for. I just don't know if God can fill what is carved out, I'm more carved out than the pieces left. :(

Well lousy news, people will not forgo adoption and are picking up pup 1 to 2 days early. At least I can say my sister and I, despite everything, and thanks to a friend at work she talked to, said we don't care if it sounds crazy at least we asked. It will help my sister to not regret not trying.

Had it been a child (there), or someone ill or a veteran or something, I wouldn't have asked if they'd change their mind. I prayed the girl wouldn't be sad, they had said they really wanted a different breed and have already returned one that didn't work out. But I think they are quite wealthy and they don't want to put them off, either. I thought, were it me, and someone loved the dog and was doing so great but I just met it, I would have let them change their mind, I would do it for the dog too. I'm not sure if that makes me a 'loser', but I would. Well though they didn't. It makes me terribly heartbroken. :( :cry: o be honest it gave me something to live for. But I couldn't bring myself to 'go out' and look for a dog, this was different he came to 'us'.

I guess what makes me so sad too, is selfishly he has been 'mine', and I guess breaks through the world of ptsd, came to me when I can't go to others. It's really awful. :( And because too they talk all about the 'protection' he will be, but not once mentioned the love they would give. :( I just feel horrid. :cry: My sister and I (independently) cried through boxes and boxes of tissue last night. Though my sister's dog will adapt even she loves him. :(

 

[Tinyflame]

There's no point for me asking for help from people, or asking for help from God. There is no hope or help.

 

[Mercy]

I have been in the helpless and hopeless place too, many times. For me, it is the dank dark pit where I want to give up trying to live.

I believe in this paraphrase of saying etched in a wall in Auchwitz, "I believe in the sun even when it doesn't shine. I believe in God even when I can not find Him."

Junebug, We don't always get to see what God is doing, what other miseries He has saved us from, what gifts He has for us each day. We usually can't figure out where He is in our lives or what He is doing. With time gradually, we can come to understand His committment to love us just because He wants to love us. Nothing that has been done to us and nothing we have ever done can change God's love for us. It isn't up to us. It is up to Him.

Hang on Sweetie.Even these feelings can pass for a while.

 

[Tinyflame]

Thank you Mercy for your kindness. I don't want to put others off, seems I was born some exception to the rule. I believe it would be easier for me to live without a belief in anything or any 'One" greater, rather than the living with God's constant seemingly rejection or hatred of myself. It is hard to feel 'loved' when God seems never around or caring, especially when it counts. It is suppoed to be a relationship, but it doesn't feel like one anymore, just non-existent in terms of that.

It seems there is never a year, or sumer without more and new grief. I was thinking of what past, and I see or feel or understand it this way: I underestimated or missed entirely my sister's own emotional pain. And we didn't communicate properly. Though we take it upon ourselves as 'our error' to have not outright been more clear and said 'we will adopt', we were also given no notice, just over a day, my sister went despite working too, and we were exhausted, spending all the time trying to train and get the pup better (he came sick, then other dog caught it too). But we could have said we couldn't make it that day, lots foster for months. Not to mention there were dogs fostered there that in 6 months thy hadn't even been taught to sit. My sister knows the woman there fairly well, my sister has tried to do things and give back, took this one with no warning though it was virtually impossible and we were unprepared, but we made it work, and lots of people keep the dogs. So it was not very nice of the woman, in that way, and a second disapointing blow for my sister. Not to mention what I wrote and thought, makes me an as*hole too. Awful. :( Normally I'm not that awful. :( So 'hope' seemed to produce only negatives.

I got it wrong too, think daughter is just going back to Univesity in fall. How do I know, maybe it is better for pup/ all of them. They said if they returned him, well then.. . But who can live like that. So it's all over but more grief and sadness remains. All it's done in fact has been a source of grief and sadness and eye-opener that neither people nor God care. Needless to say, having no effective way or reason to stay above ground is neither their fault, nor "God's" (nor obviously anyone else's). But I also have promised more than I am likely able. It just drives it all home, even though to most people it means nothing.

Thanks anyway Dear Mercy, as I said I think I am an exception to the rule. (((((((Dear Mercy))))), xox.

 

[Mercy]

Ahhhh, now I understand your point of view. Thanks for making it clear to me. I can be a bit 'thick' at times.

Years ago, I could have written what you have. There have been many many betrayals, and abandonments, pain and sufferings in your life. I can certainlyunderstand your not wanting to believe in anything when "no one has been there for you."

If it is any comfort, I am here for you. I will do whatever you need and ask of me,..... light a candle, send good thoughts, or pray, send gentle hugs and soft breezes.
:hug:

 

[Tinyflame]

Oh Mercy, no you understand completely, like I said I don't want to put people 'off'. What you said is exactly what they say is so. And not to say I deserve anything else, or am thankful enough for what I have, or in any way want to 'short' someone else for myself at their expense. But that is exactly it, you said it, I simply can't seem to stand any more pain, like normal, healthy people can do. Not anymore.

Thank you for your tenderness time and soft gestures. "You" are more like they say 'God' 'is'. ((((((Sweet Mercy :inlove:))))))), with much gratitude from my heart. Take care of YOU (((((Mercy))))).