You have a kind heart Whitney.
s not, as it may sound, an act of imprudent thinking or denial or wishful thinking, more a (semi-doomed) choice to try to just 'live' despite it, since waiting for there to be an opportunity for it to change won't be likely coming any time soon.
Junebug,
What the mind says and what the heart does are two different things aren't they? I very much understand still being hurt despite realising ahead that a situation is what it is. Especially when it means so much. You are dying for something and someone to love that is safe and I understand that. It is normal and healthy.
As always you sound much more self aware than your sister. I don't mean that harshly and it is just an observation.
he didn't say anything mean or invalidating! You reminded me of that. He usually says nothing at all.
But am sure it will feel good for him to cut out the dead weight.
Just going to point this out to you if that is OK. ? :shy:
I can truly understand how annihilating it can be to not get enough response when one is so used to judging oneself internally and when one isn't used to speaking to others or trusting them. I understand because I have experienced that a lot. Speaking and not receiving what I need feels way worse than not speaking and comes with shame and self hatred. But even though your sister says things like this to you repeatedly does it really sound like your friend and something he would think? Has he ever expressed anything like that about others and if it is then do you truly think that your actions have warranted such unkindness? I would say that if he thought such a thing then it is a judgement on him and not on you.
But without him saying anything wrong, crossing paths he was avoidant, angry, uncomfortable.
Could he have been avoidant and uncomfortable but not angry? It doesn't have to be a black or white thing. He obviously did not respond in a way that was useful to you but that doesnt mean that he thinks you are "a dead weight". He might not be the right person to speak to about these things so it is something to consider. For example when I have had therapy some therapists have been wrong for me and others right. It doesn't mean they were awful horrible people or wished me harm and didn't care and rather just means it wasnt a good fit for me when discussing such sensitive stuff.
I am glad you understand what I meant about your sister. I am speaking from my own experiences and of course you are different, your sister a different person to mine, and you have your own path to follow in life. I love my sister and that isn't going to change but I have come to terms with certain things about her and I plan my interactions accordingly. Things may change in the future of course and she has changed some already from having therapy as have I. She has wonderful properties but if I don;t watch very carefully she is abusive to me as she is in other relationships.
Its actually better for us both. I don't believe her abuse of me makes her happier either so having strong boundaries and taking responsibility for protecting myself helps us both. I am responsible for safe guarding me and I am learning that it is OK to do so.
we were very close until 2006.
Did she say such things to you as a child? Was she physical with you as a child in the way she has been with you as an adult Did she care for you and safe guard you as a child? Its not a trick question and rather a genuine one. Was it a mutually supportive relationship with each of you being there for the other when in need? What changed?
The other thing that I used to do was look at our similarities and then overlook our differences and assume everything was the same. My sister and I are very similar in certain ways. We understand each other. In other and significant ways we are as different as is possible. Her motivations are different to mine as are her ways of interacting with others. She also doesnt sit in constant self hatred or self blame as I tend to do.
Oh and by the way, I found your anger and unguarded expressions of sadness and frustration very refreshing and I saw them as positive for you if you dont mind me saying! ;-) I don't imagine you often express yourself without thinking how reasonable it is or if it kind. I think we all need to be able to be messily upset sometimes. For some they have the other problem but for some of us being less controlled sometimes can be good if done in the right situation.
