Embarrassed

[KwanYingirl]

@Chava have you ever considered having Reiki? I haven't had a session for a couple of months (no money). When I went regularly, I had more insight and less detachment. I feel things in my body that, frankly, are probably benign, but it's so new it freaks me out. I have less compulsion to cut, even though typing the words triggers me back to that hiding place. There's so much I remember that I don't admit out of pure shame. Never living up to my potential, always planning escape routes, neglecting friendships (and myself). Enough already!!!! I'm getting too old for all this. I had a therapist that had a special interest in geriatrics and she told me I would be shocked how many women never face their CSA until their 70's and 80's. Fear. Conditioning. Shame. More Fear. Pain. These are the words that describe my young self. I've had some scary trauma as an adult too, but they are easier to connect to and talk about. And were not sexual in nature, nor as torturous. So, yeah, Reiki is helpful to be more present in therapy. Now that I think about it, I have clammed up since I put Reiki on hiatus. Winters almost over, I'll get back to that when work picks up again.

 

[KwanYingirl]

My shame is wrapped up with feeling guilty that I didn't help myself when I was little. As if I had a clue how to help myself. Obviously, my unconscious mind kicked in to help me survive. What can a child do to resist violence?

 

[KwanYingirl]

Time to get under my covers...

 

[joeylittle]

I never understood shame well or realized I had it until well past years of self-destruction. Never came up in therapy as a "thing" I had.

Me three, @ghotiff. Isn't it the strangest thing, the way the human mind can somehow avoid making connections? The first time my current therapist proposed that I was feeling ashamed, I was very clear that no - I wasn't. That I couldn't think of a time when I felt shame. And then he said, describe this feeling - and I said, it is like wanting to go beat myself up and bury myself and disappear, all in one. He said, yeah, that's shame. Sigh.

I do know, @Chava, that one thing is remembering that you haven't done anything wrong. You can't be ashamed if you didn't do anything wrong. And you haven't done anything wrong. Even if the next thought is, "well, I've made huge mistakes" - mistakes aren't wrongs. Mistakes are things we do by accident, not on purpose. Wrongs are things we do on purpose.

 

[KwanYingirl]

So @joeylittle have you been able to free yourself from shame? Is it possible?

For me, it's like, if someone poured gas on me and lit a match there would be horror but no shame. But having done nothing to solve my problems or stop the abuse leaves me consumed by shame.

 

[joeylittle]

No, @KwanYingirl, I'm still right in the thick of it. But there are things that I have become un-ashamed of; so I do know it's possible to eventually not be ashamed. I have no clue when that "eventually" is, because I have figured out that being ashamed started for me around ages 7/8. Those older thoughts are just more ingrained.

 

[Chava]

@KwanYingirl and @joeylittle thanks....I just tried to write little separate responses and the @ sign on second paragraph deleted all. So damn it. KwanYingirl, Reiki isn't off my list of options but I still need to see new physician for pain and pain psych and am already overloaded by new people and trying to address this from different angles. I'm on verge of shutdown. Maybe I'm glad if my body has crashed and demanded I pay attention early though not convinced I can move beyond isolation because I seem to be moving into it further. I think it relates to feeling either more split into parts or more like myself (how confusing is that), basically like old tough outer shell doesn't feel right or something.

Joeylittle, I feel embarrassed over things that I know I didn't do wrong but also I think the early stuff is just that I am fundamentally a mistake or don't belong here. I don't have thoughts about it much or feed into these beliefs, it's more like deep disconnection, like I'm always in hiding because I should not be here or alive or found out. Something f*cked up like that. I mean to practice little things like actually make eye contact with my therapist but with the insurance stuff I feel this old weird mess again...not really recognizing it totally because some stuff has transformed and/or I'm trying to get somewhere deeper but resisting because I don't trust that there is a safe path right now. I think I'm more patient in general though, like realizing I can't probably get all better tomorrow...but that might be part of feeling depressed too.

 

[joeylittle]

I think the early stuff is just that I am fundamentally a mistake or don't belong here. I don't have thoughts about it much or feed into these beliefs, it's more like deep disconnection, like I'm always in hiding because I should not be here or alive or found out. Something f*cked up like that.

Oh wow, yeah, I could have written that.

What I'm finding is that there are actually events that I can recall that created those thoughts of being fundamentally wrong, inside. I've only stumbled upon them through talking with my therapist. Things that gradually come together to create that picture of where my negative self-esteem is at today. And it's all stuff that I had just accepted as normal and terrifying and sad. Things that I just didn't think were a big deal - but actually were huge. And then, later, things that reinforce those negative self beliefs.

I wish it went away faster, this core belief stuff, because it is always hurting underneath the other things that hurt. A little like needing a root canal but it taking years of slowly scraping away the junk on top. Or something.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I had EMDR and through the process I dumped a lot of shame about choices I had made and had to separate me from my abuser and quit carryint the shame dumped on me in the abuse.

 

[ghotiff]

Talking here helps with my shame issues. In one anonymous thread I was feeling very shameful about some feelings. The support and explanations/thoughts of why I felt that way did so much to help me. Now that I understand where those thoughts came from, I am far less shameful of them and they hold so much less power over me.

 

[Chava]

Thanks @joeylittle , @gizmo , and @ghotiff . It does help a lot to come on here and not feel totally alone in the world (part of invisible feeling). It's hard knowing that most of this I can never tell my friends so it feels like a secret. Even the stuff I can tell them, I find I feel worse for their attempts at responding (which isn't their fault). Anyway, anonymous is a good feature here too, but some stuff I just don't even have words for but it's rolling around in my body-mind in a really disorganized way. Writing does help when I can get something in order though.

 

[KwanYingirl]

So I had an unexpected therapy session today because I left him a fractured message friday and he didn't listen to his messages til today. I said I would come in today as all I've been doing since Saturday is help the plumber try to in thaw the drain pipe in the building. I'm the only tenent here and he needed my electricity and hot water but after two days of blasting heat to the pipe, it's still frozen. No water, no toilet, no shower. It's been -10 degrees for a few days.
Anyway I asked him about shame and maybe I should work on that. And why can't I feel genuinely that I am the same person as that little girl? I'm so busy pretending I'm not, you know? Turns out I have asked him before about shame and then ran away from it. When I asked him how can I not feel so embarrassed to tell him what happened to me, he said it takes practice and time. Maybe share something then step back. Not to rush anything. And he said EMDR can help. But as it goes with me and how sensitive I am he always reminds me that first he does no harm. He knows workbooks don't work for me. I just get so triggered. I don't know, maybe I'll tell him a story next week. What if it ends up being a huge relief?